Hey everyone! Sorry about not updating yesterday – I fell out of a tree while masturbating outside of Mary-Kate Olsen’s home and had to be hospitalized.

By now, you should all know that if there’s one thing I hate, it’s people who cause a ruckus and complain over stupid things. I don’t usually write about sappy bullshit, but this next story is just too annoying to resist. Once again, thank you Florida for having the largest population of dense assholes in America. Seriously, if you live in Florida and you read this, please , punch your neighbor in the face because he’s probably a prick.

A Fort Walton Beach community is outraged by a man’s decision to capture a family of local swans for his own waterfowl collection. If you don’t know where Fort Walton Beach is, that makes two of us.

Swans: Nature’s assholes.

Back in mid-January, a husband and wife swan made their way to the local beach community. People watched as the swans had little swanlings (I made that word up) and they grew attached to the bird family. The residents were very unhappy when Shawn Dahnke showed up in a boat one day, threw a net over the swan family, and then took them back to his house where he had his own little waterfowl zoo.

Personally, I don’t get it. They’re swans , not tigers.

During Operation Swan Steal, onlookers called police, who told them that Shawn’s activities were not illegal because swans are not a native species to Florida – he could take them if he wanted.

What kills me is how selfish these people are. Both adult swans had their wings clipped already, which means that they couldn’t even fly to escape predators. Also, three of the four little swanlings had died by the time that Shawn decided he would step in and rescue them.

Instead of considering Shawn a hero, people bitched about how they had grown attached to the bird family and wanted them to remain on their own, where they would most likely be killed.

I knew there had to be more beef to this story and that’s when I read about Tami Kerr, the bitch in the picture above. Tami claims to be extremely affected by the absence of the swans. You see, Tami has been battling terminal cancer and the birds were “a focal point in her life.” She photographed them every day and is working on a children’s book about them.

OK…

1) Hans Christian Anderson already wrote a book about a swan. Your book will never be that famous.

This book terrified me as a young lad.

2) Why would you start writing a children’s book if you’re going to be die of cancer soon anyways? Just die already, geez.

3) If swans are a focal point in your life, then you need to get out more. Don’t try to fool us by acting like some kind of a spiritual nature-type that finds beauty in everything. I recommend focusing on becoming addicted to crack. It will ease the pain of your cancer and you’ll be a lot more fun to hang out with in your last days.

Now I hope all those captured swans die.