Ahh, American Idol is finally over and Sidecarsally.com would like to congratulate David Cook for snagging the victory with over 50 million votes!

The guy on the right says, “I’m sooo gonna bone you tonight.”

The only thing we have learned from this season is that at least 50 million people need to find something better to do with their time.

Expect another post like this at the end of next season.

Northern Germany is a scary place. It has vast forests of unspeakable dangers. Aside from their overpopulation of polar bears and feral chinchillas, there is another terror even greater: wild boars.

An 18-year-old car thief was involved in a high-speed pursuit with police in Northern Germany, when he decided to bail out of the car and run into some nearby woods. Running away from cops through the forest is usually a good idea because it’s really hard to run uphill and hop over fallen trees when you’re a fat piece of shit.

“I’m gonna get that guy! Riiiight after I finish this.”

The car thief probably thought he was about to escape until he stumbled upon a herd of angry wild boars right after entering the forest. How ironic; he escapes one group of pigs and runs right into another.

During this time, the police were obviously still standing at the edge of the woods and playing paper, rock, scissors to decide which one was going to continue the pursuit on foot. They heard the crook screaming for help and ran into the woods and rescued him from the vicious beasts… and then arrested him.

“When is the department gonna get us some new hats?”

There’s a lot of negative publicity regarding physical punishment of your children. Recent studies suggest that hitting your children for discipline increases the risk of them having violent sexual fantasies. Is that really a problem?

So basically, what they mean is that if you don’t abuse your kids at least somewhat, then they will grow up to have a really boring sex life.

“I’m sorry hun, but missionary is all I know.”

One woman who knows how to handle her kids is 45-year-old Brenda Hecht. This Florida mother was recently arrested for attempted murder after attacking her 18-year-old son Chamborg. That sounds like a robot name to me.

“I. AM. CHAMBORG.”

Anyway, Brenda was sick of her son Chamborg sitting around all day and playing video games. He quit his job at Kentucky Fried Chicken and got fired from Burger King for playing his PSP at work. Now all he does is freeload off her and talk about his penis.

There are two sides of the story here:

Brenda says that she had previously taken away Chamborg’s Xbox to encourage him to get a job, but he repaid her by putting a dead cockroach in her bed. After that, he taunted her by standing naked in front of her and bragging about his dick.

She then accidentally grabbed a meat cleaver, cracked his head open with the handle and then slashed his hand while he was fighting her off. Brenda defends herself by saying, “I popped him in the head with the wrong thing. It was just there.” She obviously didn’t know that striking someone in the head with anything is illegal, unless it’s something soft and non-threatening, like a goldfish or a tissue.

I’m still trying to figure out how showing your penis to your own mother is considered revenge. Show her your asshole instead because, man, nobody wants to see that.

“Eww, it’s so hairy it looks like a bird’s nest!”

Chamborg 3000’s story is slightly different. He says that he was arguing with his mother because she wouldn’t let him go to the bathroom. During the altercation, she grabbed the meat cleaver, started swinging, and threatened to cut off his head and his private parts.

Brenda is probably going to jail for a little while. But when she gets out and returns home, I’ll bet Chamborg will think twice next time he wants to put a cockroach in her bed or whip out his cock in front of her. Personally, I’m a fan of “tough love.” I often spend hours a day thinking about all the items I can hit my future children with. Cheers, Brenda!

Brenda Hecht – Sidecarsally’s Mother of the Month

I can’t remember the last time I’ve reported odd happenings in Mexico. For awhile, I was thinking that Mexicans really had their shit together and didn’t do anything stupid or ridiculous like the United States. I could just imagine them all… sitting around… doing whatever Mexicans do. Making clay pots and shit. To be honest, the only thing I know about Mexican culture is whatever stereotypes the TV and magazines throw at us.

“Damn mang, that’s a nice car joo got there, mang.”

I came across an interesting story about a donkey that got into some trouble in southern Mexico after it attacked two men near a ranch. One man suffered from a bite to the chest and the other received a fractured ankle when the donkey kicked him.

Ever wonder what a donkey bite looks like?

That’s a legitimate donkey bite. Yikes! It looks painful. Almost as painful as that terrible hat.

Anyway, donkeys attack people all the time. They’re one of the most dangerous animals next to caterpillars. This donkey, however, will think twice next time he’s feeling frisky because he’s sitting in a Mexican jail right now. Not an animal shelter or a kennel; a human jail.

Since I’ve already said the word “donkey” about 40 times, I’m just going to call him Barry from now on. Barry is being held without bail (of hay… harrr harrr) until his owner can pay the victims’ $420 medical bills. I thought Mexico had free health care – I guess it doesn’t cover these situations.

When asked about jailing a farm animal, Officer Sinar Gomez said, “Around here, if someone commits a crime they are jailed, no matter who they are.”

No matter who they are? It’s a fucking donkey , not a human. Barry isn’t going to learn some valuable lesson while he’s locked up. If he bites an inmate, will he get solitary confinement? If he shanks someone in the shower, will he get the electric chair? Jesus Christ.

I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson here: You never want to go to jail in Mexico.

Have you ever been pulled over and lied to a cop to get out of a ticket? I’m not talking about denying that you knew the speed limit was 25 when you were driving 83 through a residential street. I’m mean telling a downright fabrication like, “I was speeding because I just left Red Lobster and I think I’m going to diarrhea all over myself.”

Women have it easy. All they gotta do is pull out their tits, maybe flash a little vagina, start crying, or use the old “I need to change my tampon” lie. All the guys have is the diarrhea excuse. Well, a man from the St. Louis area had a masterful idea when his buddy got pulled over last week. He decided to call the local police station and report a false robbery at a nearby convenience store.

The idea was to have the officer let them off so he could respond to the robbery, but unfortunately, the cop was standing right there and the dispatcher could hear him talking.

The news article I read failed to mention if the driver or his friend got into even more trouble for pulling this stunt, but I’m siding with them. Why? Simply because cops are dicks and somebody needs to pull a good prank on them.

Here’s a good trick to play on a cop:

Borrow a realistic-looking toy gun from a small child and conceal it in your pants. Drink an entire case of beer. If you vomit before the case is finished, then keep drinking, you pussy. After the beers are gone and you’re wasted, smoke a bunch of pot, do some coke, and then pour a bunch of tequila on your body to make you look, smell, and act like you’re out of your fucking melon.

Drive through a residential area going at least 50 mph over the speed limit and wait for the cops to line up behind you in pursuit.

Find the nearest public parking lot and pull over. Hop out of the car and start screaming that you’re going to kill everyone. Pull out the toy gun and wave it at the police until they shoot the shit out of you. When you point a gun at a cop, they don’t fuck around.

When you’re dead, the police will search your body for more weapons, bombs, drugs, etc. Have a hand-written note in your pocket saying, “GOT YOU! LOL!!!”

Bam! The cops just killed an innocent civilian who was just looking for a little fun. Alternatively, you can pay a friend to do all this for you, that way you’ll still be alive to witness the hilarity when they realize that you only had a toy gun.

“We need backup! He’s got a gun! And a… mop! And something weird on his head! Shoot this fucker!”