The search for the coolest kid ever is over. Look no further than 13-year-old Ralph Hardy from Newark, Texas. I don’t have a picture of Ralph, so I’ll just show you this picture of the second coolest kid ever:
Bonus “cool points” for being Asian.
A couple of weeks ago, little Ralph Hardy called one of his father’s credit card companies and ordered an extra card. He answered all the security questions correctly and waited for the card to arrive in the mail. When the card arrived, Ralph took his friends on a $30,000 shopping spree and bought a bunch of electronic equipment and video games. The fun didn’t stop there though.
Ralph and his friends got a motel room nearby and decided to call up a couple of $1,000 per night hookers. When the girls arrived and questioned the age of the kids, the kids said that they were midgets traveling with a circus - the best lie ever. But, instead of having hot super-illegal sex with the hookers, all Ralph and his buddies wanted to do was play Halo on the Xbox with them.
“Last person to ten points has to give Ralphy a rimjob!”
A delivery guy who was sent to the motel earlier to drop off some munchies for the teenagers became suspicious of the situation inside the room when they asked him if he knew where they could “pay to score with some chicks,” so he decided to call the police. What a jealous asshole.
Since the cops aren’t stupid (lol), they figured out something was wrong and ended up arresting Ralph. His original story to the police was that he won a World of Warcraft tournament and he thought that winning something and then celebrating with hookers was the normal thing to do. Later, Ralph changed his story and said that his father wouldn’t mind what he did because he had forgotten to buy him a gift on his birthday.
Little Ralph ended up being convicted of fraud and was given a three year community order… whatever the fuck that is. I would’ve paid to be there when Ralph’s dad got the call from the police. No word on whether or not the prostitutes actually got paid that night… and pimps don’t accept excuses.
“We’ll ask you one last time bitch, where the fuck is our money?”
Lately, I’ve been trying to come up with schemes to make money quick. Most of the ideas I’ve come up with seem to end up with me having sex with a senior citizen, only to swindle her out of some social security money. I guess I’m just not all that creative.
“You can kiss my cheek, but tongue costs extra.”
Sally Ann Gombocz, 51, had mastered the art of child exploitation and entrepreneurship until she was sentenced to 23 months in jail last Friday.
Back in 2003, this Pennsylvania mother thought, “Hmm… I’m low on cash and don’t really feel like getting a job. All I’ve got is my 7-year-old son and this old Cub Scout uniform from the Salvation Army.”
Ding!
I’d love to understand the thought process of some people. When presented with a small child, a Cub Scout uniform, and the desire to make some dirty cash, I would’ve thought about maybe sending the child to Thailand and make him become a child prostitute. Big money there.
Not Sally though - she had a better idea. She dressed up her little boy in the uniform and had him stand in front of grocery stores to raise money for a false cause. I’m not really sure what he was supposedly raising money for though because I’ve never seen any Boy Scout cookies.
Boy Scout cookies - “Pedophiles are our best customers!”
Details are sketchy on how Sally got caught, but she did. She confessed to profiting a whopping $69 from the scam and was ordered to pay it all back, plus an additional $2,000. Sally was also sentenced to perform community service, take parenting classes, have psychological counseling, and submit to random piss tests.
Am I the only person who thinks that Sally’s punishment is a little harsh? I know what you’re thinkin’: “Oh Dustin, you just like her because her name is Sally and your website is SidecarSally.”
Well, so what? I never said that my reason for defending her had to be rational. Sally, hit me up when you get out of jail and we can work on our next big scam.
There’s a common misconception that Iceland is a dismal planet covered in shitty snow and ice. Actually, that’s not true at all - Greenland is the place that you don’t want to visit. I don’t know who’s idea it was to name it Greenland if it’s covered in ice, but they’re an asshole.
“Wow, Greenland is not as nice as it sounds. This was a bad idea.”
My point is, Iceland isn’t that bad. There’s a lot of things to do there like fishing and flying kites. You can also visit the Icelandic Phallological Museum. That’s right, the world’s largest private collection of animal penises is right in sunny Husavik, Iceland. Although human dicks are sadly missing from the collection, everything from a 154-pound sperm whale cock bone to a 2mm hamster dick is available to look at and say, “Hey, it’s a penis.” Because that’s really all you can do at a dick museum.
Somewhere, a sperm whale is crying.
When you visit the dick museum, make sure to say hello to Sigurdur Hjartarson, the museum owner. He started his collection in 1974 when he got his hands on a severed bull penis. After that, he’s had countless wangs donated to him and he likes to stand around his collection and put his hands all over them, like this elephant cock.
It’s like mine, but a little smaller.
Overall, the museum boasts 261 johnsons from 90 species. So next time you plan your yearly trip to Iceland, fuck going to Reykjavik - visit Husavik and look at some dicks instead.
So, you think you’re fat huh? You have some love handles and your gut’s a little flabby. Big deal - at least you don’t look like Manuel Uribe, 42, from Mexico.
“My dick is under here somewhere.“
At one point, Manuel tipped the scales at over 1,200 lbs - that’s almost as much as 3 Oprahs. He was given an award by the Guinness Book of World Records for being the world’s heaviest man, but that’s not the kind of award a person is typically thrilled to receive.
“Congratulations, you’re a revolting human being. Here’s your paper award.”
Manuel got tired of not being able to see his balls anymore, so instead of trying to maintain his fat record, he is now set on breaking the record for the most weight ever lost . The current record is around 925 lbs, but Manuel hopes to lose a total of 950 lbs by 2010 - this would make him a stocky 265 lbs.
For you non-believers out there, Manuel is already over halfway to reaching the weight loss record. Strictly from dieting (he’s obviously too fat to exercise), he has lost over 500 lbs and continues to shed the pounds. When he’s done, he will look like a human skin flap.
There is a common myth that fat people are jolly. This is not always the case. Manuel claims that he was planning on killing himself after his wife left him two years ago. This is funny to me because like, dude, how the fuck are you going to kill yourself if you haven’t been able to leave your bed in four years?
He could impregnate a blue whale with balls that big.
The most disturbing part of the article that I read about Manuel is when he exclaims, “I was impotent before, but now everything’s working again. Ask my girlfriend.”
OK, ew.
First of all, thanks for putting that image in my brain. Secondly, you were not impotent before - your dick just wasn’t strong enough to get erect and push your gigantically overgrown fatty balls out of the way.
I know I’m not being super nice about this, but truthfully, I wish Manuel luck in getting back to his former shape, when he was only considered really fat instead of Holy-fucking-good-lord fat.
I just came across a missing person report and I’d really like to help this woman.
Police are looking for Monique Lampron, 30, who went missing in Vancouver on Monday. She drives a black 1993 Ford Probe. Hey, I used to drive a red 1990 Ford Probe. Me and this bitch got somethin’ in common!
As for her description, the online article states: “Before her disappearance, she was wearing blue spandex pants and a white shirt with ‘who needs boobs’ written on the front and ‘with an ass like this’ on the back.”
Since the article failed to provide a picture of Monique, I’ll take a crack and guess what she looks like:
No teeth = better blowjobs
Let me know if you’ve seen this woman because I’ve got a whole garbage bag full of XXL Looney Toons t-shirts and sweatpants that she can wear.
Did you know that there is a Jedi Church? In the 2001 census, almost 400,000 people claimed that they followed the Jedi faith and the teachings of Yoda, so somebody thought it would be a great idea to found a church of Jedi.
This is your God? Seriously?
Jedi Jonba Hehol, 36, founded the first British Jedi Church with his brother. This week, he was doing a television interview in the backyard of his home in England. Out of nowhere, a drunk man wearing a black garbage bag and Darth Vader mask hopped over Jonba’s garden fence and assaulted him with a light saber - I mean, a metal crutch.
Since Jonba is actually a hairdresser named Barney Jones, he was no match for Vader, who pummeled him in combat and then proceeded to attack the camera crew and successfully flee the scene. After the police finished laughing, they began investigating Barney’s assault claim.
Personally, I think Barney deserved it. He’s a grown man serious enough about worshiping a robotic puppet from the 70s that he actually started a church. If that’s not reason enough to have a drunken man in a garbage bag kick your ass, then I don’t know what is. Now, I’m going to go sacrifice a G.I. Joe at my Transformers shrine.
What’s the best way to scratch an itch? One of those wooden back scratchers with the pointy fingers would come in handy, but nobody ever seems to have one just laying around when they really need it.
One of the most important inventions ever.
Sometimes a back scratcher won’t work on a stubborn itch. That’s when you have to take things up a notch like Jorge Espinal, 44, from Texas. He was drinking beer and playing poker at 3AM when a terrible itch occurred on his back. He went into another room and grabbed the first thing he could find - a loaded revolver.
Back scratcher x 1,000,000
Of course he was only planning on using the barrel of the gun to relieve the itching, but when it’s 3AM and you’ve been drinking, sometimes you forget important things like not using a gun to scratch your back. The gun fired into his back and he was treated and released from the hospital with non-threatening injuries.
I don’t have a picture of Jorge Espinal, but I typed his name into Google and came up with thousands of these stereotypical images, so we can just assume he looks like this:
It’s official - Jimmy Fallon has been selected to replace Conan O’Brien on the “Late Night” show. This is a worse mistake than doing unprotected anal with a crackwhore.
You may know Jimmy Fallon from awesome movies like “Fever Pitch” and “Taxi.”
Let’s see what critics say about Fallon:
On the movie Taxi: “Putting Jimmy Fallon in a movie automatically negates his principle shtick of breaking character and cracking up at his own jokes.”
This is true. Jimmy Fallon is notorious for halting skits on Saturday Night Live so he can laugh at himself or other characters. This in turn makes it harder for the other actors to focus as they get caught up in a Fallon laughing fit.
“This next song is called ‘I Have No Idea How I’m Famous or Why People Like Me.’ Enjoy!”
I wrote a movie review for a Fallon movie one time, but RottenTomatoes.com rejected it. It simply went:
“I would rather be forced to watch my grandmother change her tampon than have to watch this movie ever again.”
Fallon is scheduled to host the show sometime in 2009 when O’Brien steps into Jay Leno’s shoes and begins hosting “The Tonight Show.” Meanwhile, just try to enjoy Conan’s “Late Nite” show while it lasts and pray that Jimmy Fallon is the next celebrity to die.
Every couple months, two celebrities meet and end up getting quickly married, only to regret that decision and get a divorce soon after. Everyone else is kind of just left sitting around and thinking, “What the fuck are they thinking?” Recent Hollywood shitheads to follow this trend include Gary Coleman, Pamela Anderson, Pamela Anderson, and Pamela Anderson.
TV personality and successful “musician” Nick Cannon, 27, recently got married to mentally unstable has-been Mariah Carey, 38, after dating for only one month .
Everyone is happy for the couple, but I’m just gonna say it… YOU STUPID FUCKS!
I’d really like to kick Mariah in the box for using her sex appeal to brainwash young Nick Cannon into making foolish decisions. He undoubtedly grew up, like me, watching all of her videos and making furious handlove to her posters. What’s he supposed to do when he finally meets her and years of sexual fantasies manifest themselves?
Normally, I’d be excited for Nick for nailing a pop legend, but Mariah Carey has a history of being unstable. She’s also pushing 40-years-old which means that her vagina has maybe another five years of decent use before it dries up like an African watering hole.
Steve Wilder, 55, from Omaha wins the mock award for “man who most likely could have been a surgeon, but probably wasn’t smart enough to pass the exams” after he performed a tracheotomy on himself .
A tracheotomy is a surgical procedure that involves cutting a hole in the throat of a person to allow them to breath if their airway is blocked above the trachea. I think the trachea is located somewhere around your butthole.
Steve woke up in the middle of the night and found that his throat had swelled up, preventing him from breathing. Inside of calling 911 and then waiting to die while the EMT’s were jacking off in the ambulance, Steve grabbed a steak knife from the kitchen and made a small incision into his throat. Everything worked out fine and he is recovering from the incident.
I’ve got a lot to live for and I’ll tell you, I would rather just call 911 and hope they arrive before I die. I learned my lesson about being my own surgeon when I tried to super glue a deep gash on my arm and it just ended up giving me a chemical burn that got infected.
This reminds me of the scene in Anaconda where Jon Voight put a wasp in Eric Stoltz’sesess snorkel, and he had to get a bootleg tracheotomy.
“Yayyy, I’m a Boy Scout, yayyyyyyy!”
