There’s a common misconception that Iceland is a dismal planet covered in shitty snow and ice. Actually, that’s not true at all – Greenland is the place that you don’t want to visit. I don’t know who’s idea it was to name it Greenland if it’s covered in ice, but they’re an asshole.

“Wow, Greenland is not as nice as it sounds. This was a bad idea.”

My point is, Iceland isn’t that bad. There’s a lot of things to do there like fishing and flying kites. You can also visit the Icelandic Phallological Museum. That’s right, the world’s largest private collection of animal penises is right in sunny Husavik, Iceland. Although human dicks are sadly missing from the collection, everything from a 154-pound sperm whale cock bone to a 2mm hamster dick is available to look at and say, “Hey, it’s a penis.” Because that’s really all you can do at a dick museum.

Somewhere, a sperm whale is crying.

When you visit the dick museum, make sure to say hello to Sigurdur Hjartarson, the museum owner. He started his collection in 1974 when he got his hands on a severed bull penis. After that, he’s had countless wangs donated to him and he likes to stand around his collection and put his hands all over them, like this elephant cock.

It’s like mine, but a little smaller.

Overall, the museum boasts 261 johnsons from 90 species. So next time you plan your yearly trip to Iceland, fuck going to Reykjavik – visit Husavik and look at some dicks instead.

So, you think you’re fat huh? You have some love handles and your gut’s a little flabby. Big deal – at least you don’t look like Manuel Uribe, 42, from Mexico.

“My dick is under here somewhere.“

At one point, Manuel tipped the scales at over 1,200 lbs – that’s almost as much as 3 Oprahs. He was given an award by the Guinness Book of World Records for being the world’s heaviest man, but that’s not the kind of award a person is typically thrilled to receive.

“Congratulations, you’re a revolting human being. Here’s your paper award.”

Manuel got tired of not being able to see his balls anymore, so instead of trying to maintain his fat record, he is now set on breaking the record for the most weight ever lost . The current record is around 925 lbs, but Manuel hopes to lose a total of 950 lbs by 2010 – this would make him a stocky 265 lbs.

For you non-believers out there, Manuel is already over halfway to reaching the weight loss record. Strictly from dieting (he’s obviously too fat to exercise), he has lost over 500 lbs and continues to shed the pounds. When he’s done, he will look like a human skin flap.

There is a common myth that fat people are jolly. This is not always the case. Manuel claims that he was planning on killing himself after his wife left him two years ago. This is funny to me because like, dude, how the fuck are you going to kill yourself if you haven’t been able to leave your bed in four years?

He could impregnate a blue whale with balls that big.

The most disturbing part of the article that I read about Manuel is when he exclaims, “I was impotent before, but now everything’s working again. Ask my girlfriend.”

OK, ew.

First of all, thanks for putting that image in my brain. Secondly, you were not impotent before – your dick just wasn’t strong enough to get erect and push your gigantically overgrown fatty balls out of the way.

I know I’m not being super nice about this, but truthfully, I wish Manuel luck in getting back to his former shape, when he was only considered really fat instead of Holy-fucking-good-lord fat.

Sexytime!

I just came across a missing person report and I’d really like to help this woman.

Police are looking for Monique Lampron, 30, who went missing in Vancouver on Monday. She drives a black 1993 Ford Probe. Hey, I used to drive a red 1990 Ford Probe. Me and this bitch got somethin’ in common!

As for her description, the online article states: “Before her disappearance, she was wearing blue spandex pants and a white shirt with ‘who needs boobs’ written on the front and ‘with an ass like this’ on the back.”

Since the article failed to provide a picture of Monique, I’ll take a crack and guess what she looks like:

No teeth = better blowjobs

Let me know if you’ve seen this woman because I’ve got a whole garbage bag full of XXL Looney Toons t-shirts and sweatpants that she can wear.