Luke Skywalker died for your sins.

Did you know that there is a Jedi Church? In the 2001 census, almost 400,000 people claimed that they followed the Jedi faith and the teachings of Yoda, so somebody thought it would be a great idea to found a church of Jedi.

This is your God? Seriously?

Jedi Jonba Hehol, 36, founded the first British Jedi Church with his brother. This week, he was doing a television interview in the backyard of his home in England. Out of nowhere, a drunk man wearing a black garbage bag and Darth Vader mask hopped over Jonba’s garden fence and assaulted him with a light saber – I mean, a metal crutch.

Since Jonba is actually a hairdresser named Barney Jones, he was no match for Vader, who pummeled him in combat and then proceeded to attack the camera crew and successfully flee the scene. After the police finished laughing, they began investigating Barney’s assault claim.

Personally, I think Barney deserved it. He’s a grown man serious enough about worshiping a robotic puppet from the 70s that he actually started a church. If that’s not reason enough to have a drunken man in a garbage bag kick your ass, then I don’t know what is. Now, I’m going to go sacrifice a G.I. Joe at my Transformers shrine.

What’s the best way to scratch an itch? One of those wooden back scratchers with the pointy fingers would come in handy, but nobody ever seems to have one just laying around when they really need it.

One of the most important inventions ever.

Sometimes a back scratcher won’t work on a stubborn itch. That’s when you have to take things up a notch like Jorge Espinal, 44, from Texas. He was drinking beer and playing poker at 3AM when a terrible itch occurred on his back. He went into another room and grabbed the first thing he could find – a loaded revolver.

Back scratcher x 1,000,000

Of course he was only planning on using the barrel of the gun to relieve the itching, but when it’s 3AM and you’ve been drinking, sometimes you forget important things like not using a gun to scratch your back. The gun fired into his back and he was treated and released from the hospital with non-threatening injuries.

I don’t have a picture of Jorge Espinal, but I typed his name into Google and came up with thousands of these stereotypical images, so we can just assume he looks like this:

“Joo got some big cojones, mang!”

It’s official – Jimmy Fallon has been selected to replace Conan O’Brien on the “Late Night” show. This is a worse mistake than doing unprotected anal with a crackwhore.

You may know Jimmy Fallon from awesome movies like “Fever Pitch” and “Taxi.”

Let’s see what critics say about Fallon:

On the movie Taxi: “Putting Jimmy Fallon in a movie automatically negates his principle shtick of breaking character and cracking up at his own jokes.”

This is true. Jimmy Fallon is notorious for halting skits on Saturday Night Live so he can laugh at himself or other characters. This in turn makes it harder for the other actors to focus as they get caught up in a Fallon laughing fit.

“This next song is called ‘I Have No Idea How I’m Famous or Why People Like Me.’ Enjoy!”

I wrote a movie review for a Fallon movie one time, but RottenTomatoes.com rejected it. It simply went:

“I would rather be forced to watch my grandmother change her tampon than have to watch this movie ever again.”

Fallon is scheduled to host the show sometime in 2009 when O’Brien steps into Jay Leno’s shoes and begins hosting “The Tonight Show.” Meanwhile, just try to enjoy Conan’s “Late Nite” show while it lasts and pray that Jimmy Fallon is the next celebrity to die.

Every couple months, two celebrities meet and end up getting quickly married, only to regret that decision and get a divorce soon after. Everyone else is kind of just left sitting around and thinking, “What the fuck are they thinking?” Recent Hollywood shitheads to follow this trend include Gary Coleman, Pamela Anderson, Pamela Anderson, and Pamela Anderson.

TV personality and successful “musician” Nick Cannon, 27, recently got married to mentally unstable has-been Mariah Carey, 38, after dating for only one month .

Everyone is happy for the couple, but I’m just gonna say it… YOU STUPID FUCKS!

I’d really like to kick Mariah in the box for using her sex appeal to brainwash young Nick Cannon into making foolish decisions. He undoubtedly grew up, like me, watching all of her videos and making furious handlove to her posters. What’s he supposed to do when he finally meets her and years of sexual fantasies manifest themselves?

Normally, I’d be excited for Nick for nailing a pop legend, but Mariah Carey has a history of being unstable. She’s also pushing 40-years-old which means that her vagina has maybe another five years of decent use before it dries up like an African watering hole.

And what would be more cliché than falling in love and getting married in the Bahamas after only one month? How about the enormous tattoo that Nick got on his back, spanning both shoulders – it says “MARIAH.”

He should’ve gotten it a little smaller so he could change it to “FUCK MARIAH” after their divorce is finalized next month.

Steve Wilder, 55, from Omaha wins the mock award for “man who most likely could have been a surgeon, but probably wasn’t smart enough to pass the exams” after he performed a tracheotomy on himself .

A tracheotomy is a surgical procedure that involves cutting a hole in the throat of a person to allow them to breath if their airway is blocked above the trachea. I think the trachea is located somewhere around your butthole.

Steve woke up in the middle of the night and found that his throat had swelled up, preventing him from breathing. Inside of calling 911 and then waiting to die while the EMT’s were jacking off in the ambulance, Steve grabbed a steak knife from the kitchen and made a small incision into his throat. Everything worked out fine and he is recovering from the incident.

I’ve got a lot to live for and I’ll tell you, I would rather just call 911 and hope they arrive before I die. I learned my lesson about being my own surgeon when I tried to super glue a deep gash on my arm and it just ended up giving me a chemical burn that got infected.

This reminds me of the scene in Anaconda where Jon Voight put a wasp in Eric Stoltz’sesess snorkel, and he had to get a bootleg tracheotomy.

Eric Stoltz, post-tracheotomy.