America has to be one of the only countries that allows for such frivolous lawsuits as in the case of Louis W. Conradt Jr.
“I like to fuck little boys!”
Back in late 2006, Louis was online having an innocent sexual chat with a 13-year-old boy. He solicited sex with the little boy and set up a meeting place to exchange some lovin’. Louis probably thought he was about to deflower the young boy, but he was actually being set up to appear on Dateline’s show “To Catch a Dirty Fuckin’ Pervert,” also known as “To Catch a Predator.”
“So, umm… even though I’m busted, can I still see the boy I was talking to? He sounded cute.”
Louis, a former Texas district attorney, was one of the many pedophiles who was going to be busted on the show. At the last minute, he changed his mind and didn’t end up rendezvousing with the camera crew - so they went to his house instead.
Nobody knows why Louis didn’t show up. Maybe he had a last-minute change of heart and decided it was wrong to fuck children. Maybe he couldn’t find his favorite bottle of lube and was running late. Either way, Louis had already broken the law by having explicit conversations with a minor. Search warrants were signed, and the SWAT team entered his home.
The scene went like this:
SWAT: “Louis Conradt Jr, you’re under arrest for attempted child molestation.”
Lous: “Oh, shit!” *BOOM!* (blows head off)
SWAT: “Well, that was easy enough. Taco Bell, anyone?”
CAMERAMAN: “I’m kinda thinkin’ Chinese instead.”
All that’s old news, but the story was recently resurrected when Louis’ sister, Patricia Conradt, filed a $105 million lawsuit against NBC for the death of her brother. Her reason: infliction of emotional distress and violation of civil rights.
OMG.
Patricia, I hope your vagina implodes on itself and sucks you into the black hole of retardedness where you belong. I hope when you die, there’s a “STUPID CUNT” section in purgatory where you’ll be forced to watch a video of your brother shooting himself over and over.
The guy is a pe-do-phile.
You’re probably thinking that nobody would sympathize with a woman who was depressed over the fact that her child molesting brother killed himself when he was about to be exposed to the world. Well, you’d be wrong about that.
NBC settled with Patricia last week for an undisclosed amount which is undoubtedly more than the kick in the vagina she deserved for filing suit in the first place.
I’ve heard some people actually defend Patricia’s claim, saying that it wasn’t right for NBC to stalk Louis and ultimately invade his privacy.
You know, I guess they’re right. If none of this wouldn’t happen, Louis would still be living a totally normal life. Right now, he’d be on the computer sending nudes of himself to your little brother. Damn you NBC!
I just found out that lovable munchkin Verne Troyer (Mini Me) has joined the celebrity sex tape club. I’m very excited about this. Here’s a sneak preview:
As gay as it sounds, sometimes I find myself watching badass actors on screen like Steven Seagal and thinking, “Man, that dude is so awesome. I’ll bet he’s got a huge rod.” Imagine the disappointment of finding out that Seagal’s cock is actually the size of a baby carrot, right after watching him beat the shit out of 500 ninjas for 90 minutes. It just ruins everything.
You can’t be an action superstar if you aren’t packing some serious meat. Hollywood is catching onto this and that’s why celebrities are dying to prove to the world, “Yes, I have a big one and I know how to crush some vag.”
OJ, we all know you have a big one. You’re black. Cheater.
Has anyone noticed that some of these celebrity sex tapes get “leaked” right before/after one of their movies hits theaters? It’s so obviously a publicity stunt, but nobody seems to care. Verne Troyer most likely released this sex tape with the notion that people were going to watch it and think, “Little man’s really giving it to that bitch. I think I’ll go see The Love Guru now.”
Most of those sex tapes are lame anyway. I watched the entire Paris Hilton tape just to come to the conclusion that she’s a stupid bitch that can’t give a blowjob.
The wrestler Chyna (Jodie Laurer)? Yeah, she made one too. She has steroid acne on her ass and her clit is the size of my flaccid penis.
The only video I have found remotely jackable is the Kim Kardashian video that surfaced a couple years ago. It was just a little tough to imagine myself banging her, when the other guy was hung like a human tripod. Arrgggh, I hate being white sometimes.
“I’m gonna wreck your shit like a drunk driver.”
Anyway, back to Mini Me. No deal has been made yet for the release of this freak show, but his agent is reportedly seeking $100,000 for the rights. I can’t fucking wait to see it though. Watching a human cabbage patch kid standing on a table, railing out the ham wallet of some sloppy bitch is #18 on my list of things I have to see before I die.
Until recently, I was always excited to see what kind of crazy shit space exploration would turn up. When we successfully landed a research robot on Mars, all I could think about was whether or not we would finally discover the origin of child molester Brian Peppers.
“On my home planet, molesting kids is like the normal thing to do.”
Instead of the robot uncovering Brian’s relatives hiding in their little alien cave, it just took some really boring pictures of the Martian landscape. It pretty much just looks like Arizona minus all the lizards and Mexicans. Basically, if you want to add a fancy wooden deck to your house on Mars, good luck finding help.
“Wow, this planet sucks!”
Needless to say, I was a little bummed out when the pictures didn’t show any hi-tech cities populated by a bunch of green dudes with 12 dicks. However, the research robot was also scheduled to take soil samples, so I thought maybe something interesting would result from that. Well, it didn’t.
The recent results of the soil tests actually showed that the composition of Mars’s soil is quite similar to Antartica’s. Pretty fucking profound, huh? Umm, no.
Although scientists are pretending to be excited about this, I know it’s bullshit. They just have to act like this is still important information so we don’t realize the fact that they have spent billions of dollars to scoop up some dust from a dismal shithole-of-a-planet.
I’d like to take a minute of your time to talk about something really annoying - shutter shades.
Shitter Shades!
These pieces of shit were once popular for a short while in the 1980s, but they resurfaced when a French designer, who I’ll call Fefe LeFuckstain, customized a pair for Kanye West.
First of all, what the fuck? People need to realize that not everything from the 80’s was cool. AIDS got big in the 80’s and when Magic Johnson got it at the height of his career, you didn’t see a bunch of his fans running around trying to get AIDS too.
I look at Kanye West and think, “There’s a man with so much fame that he could wear a lettuce leotard and everyone else would start doing it too.” But then I realize that a leotard made of lettuce is fucking insane and I would never be caught in public with it on. Maybe at home when nobody’s looking, but never in public.
I’m just going to take a random myspace kid and make fun of him for a second.
Wow, congratulations. I’d give you a trophy, but I haven’t finished shitting it out yet. I wish cocks could stretch like taffy because I would strangle this kid with his own dick until his head popped off. I think a better idea would be to wear these glasses on your ass and walk backwards because you’d look less like a fuck.
I know some of you reading this are thinking, “But Dustin, I like shutter shades lol, I even own a pair!”
Don’t worry. I’m not going to disown you as a friend. Just know that every second you’re in front of me and wearing those things, I’m getting closer to picking up a hammer and smashing them all over your stupid face.
I think a lot of times, people make mistakes and don’t realize it until they look in the mirror. In this case, many of you are too busy taking myspace photos to actually see just how fucking stupid you look. If you really need a good excuse to take your shitter shades and throw them into a black hole forever, here you go:
This is what you look like. You can be ashamed of yourself now. Thanks, Paris.
I have a confession to make. I have deceived you all.
The story about the twin who cut off his arm so his brother can attach it to his chest was a lie. BiggFredd pointed out to me the date of the article was April 1st, 1999. It was an April Fools joke. Thanks for the heads up, BiggFredd!
Everyone, I’m sorry for wasting those precious three minutes of your time that you would’ve usually spent masturbating. In the future, I’ll try to be more careful when checking my references.
Technology is a bitch. Things used to be so much more simple before all these hi-tech devices like cell phones, iPods, tampons, and toilet paper. I still can’t figure out how to use them correctly.
So… you wad it up and then shove it up your ass?
What’s even worse is that new technology is creeping its way into classic everyday things: ovens and refrigerators that connect to the internet and download recipes, computerized coffee tables with TVs built-in. And the worst - automatic car door locks. Oh, man.
A woman in Utah had to call 911 when the battery in her car died and she was locked in . Rescuers arrived and tried speaking with the woman through the window, but she couldn’t hear them. She motioned to one of the men to call her on her cell phone. The conversation probably went like this:
Woman: “Help! My battery died and my electric locks don’t work. I’m trapped!”
Rescuer: “Calm down, ma’am. We’ll get you through this. Do you have manual locks on your door as well?”
Woman: “Manual what? I don’t know. Is it this knob on the radio thingy? I just use remotes for everything these days.”
Rescuer: “…No. I can see it from here. That little sliding lock that says LOCK on it. Slide that to the side.”
Woman: “Oh, ok! I got it, thanks!”
Rescuer: “Wow, you stupid fucking bitch. I hope you die.”
Months ago, I wrote about a guy who got his nipples cut off and cast into clear resin plugs to wear in his ears.
You ain’t cool until you get a pair of these.
A major downside to removing your nipples so you can wear them in your ears is that you only have two of them. Knowing me, I’d wake up one morning and realize that one of the nipple plugs had fallen out in my sleep and I cut them off for nothing - you see, nobody wears just one nipple plug.
Wow, I’ve already said “nipple” five times. I’m done using that word. From now on, they will be called “tweaky knobs.”
If lopping off your tweaky knobs is disturbing to you, then you’d need to invent a new word to describe what identical twins Ryan and Dave decided to do.
Dave was a medical student and Ryan was a piercer, although they were both heavily into the piercing and tattoo scene. After becoming bored with standard body modifications, they took shit to the extreme. Let’s start with the most minor of the two body mods - the alien finger.
According to a bmezine.com interview with the twins, the process went like this:
“First we removed the centre joint of my finger, along with the skin and just over an inch of overhanging tendon. Then we split Ryan’s finger at the end of the first joint. It was relatively easy to insert the extra joint, especially since we had so much extra tendon to play with.”
I think they should have used a different finger because the shocker doesn’t even use the ring finger. That’s no fun.
Now, onto the good stuff. The more extreme operation involved amputating Dave’s right arm and reattaching it behind Ryan’s right pectoral muscle.
Although the amputated arm healed perfectly on Dave’s body, it’s just a limp limb that hangs there looking awesome - it doesn’t actually have any mechanical use unless you need an extra limp arm to flop around when you’re acting like a retard.
It’s important to mention that these procedures were done strictly under local anesthesia with no help from a hospital.
I think this shit is fucking insane, but the part I really don’t understand is that Dave gave up half a finger and an entire arm to Ryan. What does he get out of this whole thing? Well, apparently they have some really “exciting” genital work planned. Yay!
I make a lot of posts for the ladies with helpful life advice like how to become a prostitute and how to perform a home abortion, but this post is for the dudes.
I know many of you would like to consider yourself macho guys who get hard-ons thinking about beating the shit out of some douchebag at the bar. When someone makes a joke about you being a homosexual, you get all up in arms like, “I’m not a fag, dude! I like chicks!”
What are you trying to prove?
“Rawwwwrrrrrgghhhh - Oops, I just farted LOL!”
Here’s a piece of advice: Don’t flip out if someone calls you gay and don’t rip on gay dudes for no reason. Acting like a homophobe only makes you look like you’re hiding something. Are you?
A real man should know that women aren’t impressed by tough guys with tiny dicks who think they can win the UFC. Women are impressed by sensitive dudes with nice underwear.
Yeah, that’s right - nice underwear.
You think it’s attractive to a woman when she wakes up next to you after a one-night stand and sees your whitey-tighteys on the floor, with a brown skidmarks on the front and a yellow piss stain on the back? You’ve been wearing your shit backwards, idiot!
Man, nobody wears that style of underpants anymore. It’s all about manties now. They’re like womens’ panties, but made for men. What better way to show women that you’re a sensitive man who isn’t afraid to be a little feminine sometimes? Manties (pronounced MAN-TEES) are available in many styles, like these fancy hi-cut lacy ones with bows.
A little too extravagant? I guess not everyone likes showing off. How about the embroidered briefs? Nothing screams “I’m a manly sports fan” like these.
“Let the games begin!”
So next time you’re in the market for some new underwear. Skip those boring white Hanes and get with some manties. The silk really wicks the sweat off your balls.
I assume that most of you that visit this site on a regular basis have decent reading skills, otherwise, you wouldn’t find half of this shit funny. That said, I’d like to rant for a second about the common misuse of the word “your.”
I learned about the difference between “your” and “you’re” in third grade. It’s an easy concept to grasp; You’re is a contraction of two words - you and are . You use it when making a statement about someone.
Here’s an example: You’re a fucking piece of shit and I hate you.
Got it?
The word your is a pronoun and possessive form of the word you .
For example: Your mom left her dildo at my house.
Please, feel free to pass this knowledge on the next time you notice someone using these words incorrectly. Make sure you sound very condescending and call them a fucking ass-hat too
