America has to be one of the only countries that allows for such frivolous lawsuits as in the case of Louis W. Conradt Jr.

“I like to fuck little boys!”

Back in late 2006, Louis was online having an innocent sexual chat with a 13-year-old boy. He solicited sex with the little boy and set up a meeting place to exchange some lovin’. Louis probably thought he was about to deflower the young boy, but he was actually being set up to appear on Dateline’s show “To Catch a Dirty Fuckin’ Pervert,” also known as “To Catch a Predator.”

“So, umm… even though I’m busted, can I still see the boy I was talking to? He sounded cute.”

Louis, a former Texas district attorney, was one of the many pedophiles who was going to be busted on the show. At the last minute, he changed his mind and didn’t end up rendezvousing with the camera crew – so they went to his house instead.

Nobody knows why Louis didn’t show up. Maybe he had a last-minute change of heart and decided it was wrong to fuck children. Maybe he couldn’t find his favorite bottle of lube and was running late. Either way, Louis had already broken the law by having explicit conversations with a minor. Search warrants were signed, and the SWAT team entered his home.

The scene went like this:

SWAT: “Louis Conradt Jr, you’re under arrest for attempted child molestation.”

Lous: “Oh, shit!” *BOOM!* (blows head off)

SWAT: “Well, that was easy enough. Taco Bell, anyone?”

CAMERAMAN: “I’m kinda thinkin’ Chinese instead.”

All that’s old news, but the story was recently resurrected when Louis’ sister, Patricia Conradt, filed a $105 million lawsuit against NBC for the death of her brother. Her reason: infliction of emotional distress and violation of civil rights.

OMG.

Patricia, I hope your vagina implodes on itself and sucks you into the black hole of retardedness where you belong. I hope when you die, there’s a “STUPID CUNT” section in purgatory where you’ll be forced to watch a video of your brother shooting himself over and over.

The guy is a pe-do-phile.

You’re probably thinking that nobody would sympathize with a woman who was depressed over the fact that her child molesting brother killed himself when he was about to be exposed to the world. Well, you’d be wrong about that.

NBC settled with Patricia last week for an undisclosed amount which is undoubtedly more than the kick in the vagina she deserved for filing suit in the first place.

I’ve heard some people actually defend Patricia’s claim, saying that it wasn’t right for NBC to stalk Louis and ultimately invade his privacy.

You know, I guess they’re right. If none of this wouldn’t happen, Louis would still be living a totally normal life. Right now, he’d be on the computer sending nudes of himself to your little brother. Damn you NBC!

I just found out that lovable munchkin Verne Troyer (Mini Me) has joined the celebrity sex tape club. I’m very excited about this. Here’s a sneak preview:

As gay as it sounds, sometimes I find myself watching badass actors on screen like Steven Seagal and thinking, “Man, that dude is so awesome. I’ll bet he’s got a huge rod.” Imagine the disappointment of finding out that Seagal’s cock is actually the size of a baby carrot, right after watching him beat the shit out of 500 ninjas for 90 minutes. It just ruins everything.

You can’t be an action superstar if you aren’t packing some serious meat. Hollywood is catching onto this and that’s why celebrities are dying to prove to the world, “Yes, I have a big one and I know how to crush some vag.”

OJ, we all know you have a big one. You’re black. Cheater.

Has anyone noticed that some of these celebrity sex tapes get “leaked” right before/after one of their movies hits theaters? It’s so obviously a publicity stunt, but nobody seems to care. Verne Troyer most likely released this sex tape with the notion that people were going to watch it and think, “Little man’s really giving it to that bitch. I think I’ll go see The Love Guru now.”

Most of those sex tapes are lame anyway. I watched the entire Paris Hilton tape just to come to the conclusion that she’s a stupid bitch that can’t give a blowjob.

The wrestler Chyna (Jodie Laurer)? Yeah, she made one too. She has steroid acne on her ass and her clit is the size of my flaccid penis.

The only video I have found remotely jackable is the Kim Kardashian video that surfaced a couple years ago. It was just a little tough to imagine myself banging her, when the other guy was hung like a human tripod. Arrgggh, I hate being white sometimes.

“I’m gonna wreck your shit like a drunk driver.”

Anyway, back to Mini Me. No deal has been made yet for the release of this freak show, but his agent is reportedly seeking $100,000 for the rights. I can’t fucking wait to see it though. Watching a human cabbage patch kid standing on a table, railing out the ham wallet of some sloppy bitch is #18 on my list of things I have to see before I die.

Don’t disappoint us, Verne.

Until recently, I was always excited to see what kind of crazy shit space exploration would turn up. When we successfully landed a research robot on Mars, all I could think about was whether or not we would finally discover the origin of child molester Brian Peppers.

“On my home planet, molesting kids is like the normal thing to do.”

Instead of the robot uncovering Brian’s relatives hiding in their little alien cave, it just took some really boring pictures of the Martian landscape. It pretty much just looks like Arizona minus all the lizards and Mexicans. Basically, if you want to add a fancy wooden deck to your house on Mars, good luck finding help.

“Wow, this planet sucks!”

Needless to say, I was a little bummed out when the pictures didn’t show any hi-tech cities populated by a bunch of green dudes with 12 dicks. However, the research robot was also scheduled to take soil samples, so I thought maybe something interesting would result from that. Well, it didn’t.

The recent results of the soil tests actually showed that the composition of Mars’s soil is quite similar to Antartica’s. Pretty fucking profound, huh? Umm, no.

Although scientists are pretending to be excited about this, I know it’s bullshit. They just have to act like this is still important information so we don’t realize the fact that they have spent billions of dollars to scoop up some dust from a dismal shithole-of-a-planet.

Fuck Mars, seriously.

I’d like to take a minute of your time to talk about something really annoying – shutter shades.

Shitter Shades!

These pieces of shit were once popular for a short while in the 1980s, but they resurfaced when a French designer, who I’ll call Fefe LeFuckstain, customized a pair for Kanye West.

First of all, what the fuck? People need to realize that not everything from the 80’s was cool. AIDS got big in the 80’s and when Magic Johnson got it at the height of his career, you didn’t see a bunch of his fans running around trying to get AIDS too.

I look at Kanye West and think, “There’s a man with so much fame that he could wear a lettuce leotard and everyone else would start doing it too.” But then I realize that a leotard made of lettuce is fucking insane and I would never be caught in public with it on. Maybe at home when nobody’s looking, but never in public.

I’m just going to take a random myspace kid and make fun of him for a second.

Wow, congratulations. I’d give you a trophy, but I haven’t finished shitting it out yet. I wish cocks could stretch like taffy because I would strangle this kid with his own dick until his head popped off. I think a better idea would be to wear these glasses on your ass and walk backwards because you’d look less like a fuck.

I know some of you reading this are thinking, “But Dustin, I like shutter shades lol, I even own a pair!”

Don’t worry. I’m not going to disown you as a friend. Just know that every second you’re in front of me and wearing those things, I’m getting closer to picking up a hammer and smashing them all over your stupid face.

I think a lot of times, people make mistakes and don’t realize it until they look in the mirror. In this case, many of you are too busy taking myspace photos to actually see just how fucking stupid you look. If you really need a good excuse to take your shitter shades and throw them into a black hole forever, here you go:

This is what you look like. You can be ashamed of yourself now. Thanks, Paris.

I forgot to post a tribute to comedic legend George Carlin, who died Sunday evening.

Rest in peace, good sir. Why couldn’t a shitty comedian like Carlos Mencia die?

In Carlin’s memory, since he was a crude old bastard, I will make a post about a story using only my penis smashing against the keyboard. Here goes:

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