Texas always seemed like a fun place to visit, but my burning desire to go there may be extinguished until they can amend their terrible titty bar laws.

For at least the fourth time in 18 months, another Houston-area strip club has been raided by police for reasons like prostitution and underage strippers. Ironically, those are the two main reasons that everyone fucking goes to a strip club!

Sadly, it seems like the most common Texas law that is being broken by these strip clubs is a ludacris one called the “three-foot rule,” or as I like to call it the, “impossible-to-follow rule.” The three-foot rule makes it illegal for a dancer to come closer than one meter from a customer. Sorry near-sighted perverts!

Once the cops start noticing that this rule is habitually broken, the raid is on and the local jail fills up with dancers. The latest strip club raid came this weekend when the St. James Cabaret had fifteen of its dancers arrested and hauled off to jail. Judging from the morning-after mugshots, you can tell which girls prefer cocaine over coffee.

I’m not going to put up all of the mugshots, but this article wouldn’t be any fun if I couldn’t make fun of some of these women. Hey, after all, they spend their nights praying off the depressing naivety of perverted old men.

First up, we have – oh my, she’s not that bad. I could’ve went to high school with her or something. Maybe these chicks won’t be that bad.

I’m going to call her Chesty McFuckmyass.

Next, we have the head of the Comfort Inn housekeeping squad. I swear this lady has woken me up at least a hundred times. How can she work at every hotel I’ve ever been to!?

Her name is Rosalita Pencilbrows.

Third up is – what the fuck? A biracial beauty queen. Mixed people are some of the world’s most beautiful people. Not sure what the fuck happened here.

Her face calls out to me and it says, “Mehhhhhh.”

For added bonus points, she looks like Detroit Piston player Tayshaun Prince.

And last but not least, we have Sook Mi, who is obviously not fooling anybody with her fake American ID that says she’s 18.

“Yes, I’d like a lap dance from the girl who looks like she’s ten.”

So, Texas, I know that I have a lot of readers from your area but you can forget about me gracing you with my presence until you get off your asses and start bugging politicians about this three-foot rule. Those strip clubs are dark, man. I have a tough time spotting camel toes in dim light. Really, I have no reason to visit Texas unless it’s to hang out with strippers that can openly sit on my face.

Oops, did I say “on my face?”

I meant “at my table.”