I’m officially starting my campaign to change Florida’s name to “Goofyland” due to all the illegal and immoral shit that goes on there.

Today’s Goofyland story comes from Lakeland, FL and involves a teacher having sex with her students. Why is it that I never get a break and have a chance to write about a teacher who murdered an entire classroom?

I mean, if I was a teacher, I’d be much more likely to want to kill a group of middle school kids as opposed to having sex with them. The penalties are almost the same, except I wouldn’t be registered as a sex offender for the rest of my life – score one for the murderers!

Danielle Jones, 32, was a middle school science teacher until this week when she was arrested for fucking four of her students ranging in age from 14 to 16. Although these boys were far from being little kids, Danielle loves to live by the golden rule of women pedophiles: “If there’s hair on his snake, his virginity you must take.”

I remember being in school and having one or two teachers that I really wanted to be molested by. These kids ain’t got it so bad, do they? Well, I guess it just depends on what Ms. Jones looks like. I managed to find a few paparazzi photos, but they’re terrible quality:

WTF? Is that Rosie O’Donnell?

OK, sick. I think we should lock these kids up too and punish them for making poor decisions. If I had to choose between having my eyeballs fucked out of my skull by a donkey, or watch a video of Danielle Jones having sex, I’d pick the donkey.

It gets worse.

According to the “victims,” Ms. Jones would pick them up from their houses, drive back to her place, and have sex with them. On more than one occasion, Jones had group sex with the boys.

Jones is not your ordinary horny school teacher who likes a her cucumber with a little peach fuzz on it. Her sexual prowess became even more apparent when the students admitted that she had sex with two of them over ten times in one night. I can blow maybe two or three loads in a night before I’m passed out, sucking on my thumb.

Jones is currently awaiting her trial in jail right now. Danielle, do you have anything to say for Sidecarsally News?

“My only regret is that I wore a pink t-shirt to court.”