Yesterday, I walked out of the house wearing camo shorts and a t-shirt. I jumped off the porch and looked down at my feet, then I realized that I accidentally put on my fancy brown dress shoes and that did not match my outfit at all . When I tried to get back in the house, the door was locked and I didn’t have my keys.

“Man, I’ve got the worst luck in the world,” I thought.

Well, I was wrong – Angel Arce Torres, 78, has the worst luck. He was walking across a street this weekend when a car driving on the wrong side of the road ran over him… and just kept on driving like it never happened. Now, Torres is paralyzed in the hospital while police continue to ask for clues to assist them in finding the driver.

I don’t understand why police ask for tips and clues in finding criminals. They should just say, “Fuck the clues – this isn’t a movie. Just tell us exactly who did it so we can arrest them.”

We solved the mystery! It was the businessman who killed the pedestrian in the street with a Honda.

You’re probably thinking, “The guy got hit by a car. That doesn’t make him the unluckiest man ever.” OK, you got me. I’m sure it would be much worse to be born with an asshole on your forehead that shits whenever it wants to, but let’s be realistic here.

If this is your child, I’m sorry for using their picture to depict what it would look like if you had a diarrhea shithole on your forehead.

A security camera caught the entire incident and the real shocker is that several people witnessed it up-close and nobody did a fucking thing to help. In fact, it wasn’t until minutes later that a cop happened to drive by and see the body in the road… while he was responding to an unrelated 911 call. Good job, America.

Either people in Connecticut are some cruel fuckers, or America in general just prefers to stand around and be a spectator when something terrible happens.

At one point in the video, you see a guy on a scooter circle the victim to get a better look and then he just drives off!

Since I don’t have the video, I’ll post a play-by-play of the accident using still images from the security camera.

“La dee da da. Just minding my own business. *whistle*”

“Boy, what a lovely day it’s going to b-ARFGHHH!”

“Ouch! Wow, I’m really hurt and my hat is like 20 feet away. Can one of you guys help me?”

“……anybody?”

I don’t really like to think about the negative aspects of tragedies like this – I get depressed if I do. Instead, let’s focus on the positive things that resulted from this hit-and-run:

1) Angel Torres was already 78-years-old. Chances are he was going to kick the bucket soon anyway. It’s not as bad as if a little kid were to get mowed down and nobody did anything.

My new weekend hobby.

2) The guy who hit Torres has a really sweet story to tell to his friends.

3) There’s one less Mexican on the streets of Connecticut. OMG, I’m kidding, I love Mexicans <3

4) Torres is paralyzed, so at least people will be waiting on him hand and foot for the rest of his life – not too shabby!