For those of you people who don’t follow politics, Mike Fuckabee is a scary-religious Conservative cocksmoocher who ran for president this latest term.

“You in the back… you have a question? No, you can’t go to the bathroom while I’m speaking.”

I hate everything he stands for and I hate his stupid face. I was browsing the news today and saw an article with his name in it. My eyes immediately lit up with anticipation in hopes of seeing “MIKE HUCKABEE DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT” in the headline. Sadly, this was not the case.

It seems that good ol’ Huckapee is a hero. On Saturday at the North Carolina GOP convention breakfast, some dickhole named Robert Pittenger started choking on his food while sitting next to Mike Fuckasheep. Mike got up and gave Robert the Heimlich maneuver, possibly saving his life. Mike obviously didn’t realize that saving a politician’s life is not that big of a deal.

“Therrrre we go. Let’s just squeeze that food out of your windpipe.”

Afterwards, Suckabee had this to say: “I was trained as an EMT while in college and have had to use it before. It’s a very simple procedure that everyone ought to learn, especially if they have kids.”

Nobody is buying this shit, Mike. This is what really happened – one of these scenarios it most likely the truth:

1) It was all staged. Robert Pittenger is well-known to be able to swallow a load much larger than what he choked on.

2) Mike and Robert couldn’t control their lust for each other and they started having dry anal sex during the convention. The excitement of feeling Mike’s boner rubbing against his asshole was too much for Robert to handle and he started choking on his food right away. After a few powerful thrusts, Robert spit out the food and it appeared that Mike was giving him the Heimlich.

“When performing the Heimlich, the trick is to shake the person REALLY hard.”

Check back next week when Huckabee saves a baby from a teddy bear with AIDS.