We’ve all seen albino people walking around, darting between gaps in the shadows to keep their tender pink flesh from burning in the mid-day sun. To me, albinos remind me of magical wizards, except without all the magic.

I find myself wondering if albinos also have white pubes, but I’m fairly certain the answer is yes.

Worldwide, albinoism (if that’s a real word) affects 1 in 20,000 people on average. In America, albinos are generally not discriminated against unless they’re applying for a job as a bikini model, but in other parts of the world, people like to torture and murder the fair-skinned chalkies for money.

As ironic as it sounds, there is an albino black market – a business where people collect and sell the body parts of albinos, claiming that they are magical items that can bring fortune. In Tanzania, Africa, albino people are fearing for their lives because at least 19 of them have been murdered for their body parts this year.

“It’s magically delicious!”

Local witch doctors and fictional movies have been influencing people in Tanzania to believe a certain mythology revolving around the magical powers of albinos. Victims have had their homes invaded and their bodies mutilated and chopped apart right in front of their families. Last month, a 17-year-old albino girl was eating dinner with her family when two men invaded their home, cut off her legs at the knees, and then left as she bled to death.

Surely, there’s gotta be someone who can whip up a 5 minute public service announcement explaining to the Tanzanians that if you carry a shrunken albino leg in your pocket during a marathon, it will not make you run faster than a Kenyan.

“Without my lucky albino baby foot, I would not have been able to win.”

Tanzania: Chill out guys. The albinos have it rough enough already. Most of them suffer from severe near-sightedness, skin cancer, and white pubes. They don’t have magical powers even though it may appear so.

However, I did hear that if you sever the hand of a child with AIDS and keep it wrapped in a blanket under your bed for 6 months, the next crop harvest will be plentiful.