If you live in the suburbs of America, then you probably know when the ice cream truck is coming down your block. It starts in the middle afternoon; Everything on the street seems quiet, but then it comes from a distance – the ice cream song. In my neighborhood, the ice cream truck plays nursery rhymes over a loudspeaker as children chase it down the street like, “Jesus Christ, when is this dude going to stop?”

“La la la… just playin’ my tunes and trying to make a living. I hope nobody complains about this…”

If I’m lucky enough to be awake when I hear the jingle, I try my best to put down the lotion and throw on some underwear to run outside and buy a snowcone or cotton candy screwball from the creepy dude behind the wheel. Only 75 cents for an ice cream sandwich? Fuck yeah, dude!

A terrible injustice is being done to the ice cream truck drivers in Dearborn Heights, MI. City officials are taking the consideration to ban the drivers from playing musical tunes while making their rounds. Apparently, the 40,000+ white gangsters in the area don’t bother anyone when they drive around in shitty cars bumping rap from 1994.

The new law, if passed, will only allow ice cream truck drivers to turn on their music if they are stopped and making a sale. You can imagine how their business will suffer.

“Uh, where the fuck IS everyone?”

The city officials claim that the trucks’ music is loud and annoying to other people in the area that hate ice cream – who the fuck hates ice cream? That’s like hating sunshine and happiness.

Here’s what I don’t understand: Ice cream trucks typically turn down or shut off their music when they stop to make a sale. If the music of an ice cream truck annoys you when it’s driving down your street, you’re really going to love it when one is stopped outside of your house playing the same tune for 5 minutes while all the kids stand out there and count out their ice cream fees in pennies and nickels. You dumbshits.

Furthermore, if you’re the kind of lazy asshole that has to make the drivers’ jobs even harder because you missed the paternity test results on Oprah, then get a fucking day job.

“If I have to hear ‘Yankee Doodle’ one more fucking time…”

Personally, I think the parents are complaining about the music because they don’t want to put up with their kids begging for money to buy ice cream. I’ve got a solution for you: Every time your kid asks for ice cream when the truck rolls around, punch them in the face and make them eat a dead spider. Problem solved and eventually, the truck will just stop coming around.

I could understand if the city was trying to combat pedophiles posing as ice cream truck drivers. Before pedophiles thought of that idea, they used to just pull up and ask kids if they want candy. Now, all they gotta do is drive through a neighborhood in a large white van that plays childhood tunes. Slide the door open when they approach and you can grab three or four of them before they see the bloodstains inside and scatter like little cockroaches. *Insert diabolical laughter*