Times are tough in America recently with our shitty economy, insane gas prices, and assholes like my neighbor flinging his dogshit over into my yard. Fucker.

I thought many of my readers out there could use some extra money (if not, then ask me about my private donation fund) so I decided to give you guys a few tips on how to make some money without actually having to “work.”

1) Stripping: Ladies, this is a really great way to make some serious bank in a single night. There is only one main prerequisite; you have to be attractive with a nice body. There is a loophole for this rule, however; blowjobs. Most guys that frequent strip clubs would be willing to part with $50-100 for a beejer. If you can knock down a couple of them, you can afford to get tested for STD’s the next day and still have some spending cash! To score some bonus sympathy points with the customers, tell them you’re working your way through medical school.

“I’m only doing this until I become a doctor.” Pffft.

2) Prostitution: Like stripping, but much less professional and the rates are lower. $10-40 for a blowjob and your clientèle is a lot more creepy, even compared to strip club patrons.

“Oooh, I remember you from last time. You’re the guy who likes to have his balls stepped on.”

3) Crack dealer: Male prostitutes are called “gigolos” and generally don’t get much business, so I suggest that the guys just stick with something like dealing drugs. Remember not to smoke your own stash!

This could be you in 3 years.

4) Rob a lemonade stand: That’s right. This idea never occurred to me until today, but if you can target the right child who is hustling in their own way, you can screw them right out of their earnings. To ensure positive karma, try the Robin Hood approach: Find a kid who is charging way too much for a shitty glass of lemonade, give them a brief speech about capitalism and then run off with their money.

If you’re going to try Plan 4, make sure that you do a little research on the victim first. If the kid is 12-years-old and has “HATE” tattooed on his knuckles, chances are his dad will run out of the house and kill you. Target a really pathetic, nerdy looking kid.

A guy in Terre Haute, Indiana decided to rob a lemonade stand this weekend, but the kids took after him and chased him into a nearby house where it took cops an hour to coax him out. He was arrested on a felony robbery charge, which yielded him a whopping $17.50.

The lesson learned here: Robbing lemonade stands can be dangerous. If you’re looking for a shady way to make some money, just be a prostitute.