I just found out that lovable munchkin Verne Troyer (Mini Me) has joined the celebrity sex tape club. I’m very excited about this. Here’s a sneak preview:

As gay as it sounds, sometimes I find myself watching badass actors on screen like Steven Seagal and thinking, “Man, that dude is so awesome. I’ll bet he’s got a huge rod.” Imagine the disappointment of finding out that Seagal’s cock is actually the size of a baby carrot, right after watching him beat the shit out of 500 ninjas for 90 minutes. It just ruins everything.

You can’t be an action superstar if you aren’t packing some serious meat. Hollywood is catching onto this and that’s why celebrities are dying to prove to the world, “Yes, I have a big one and I know how to crush some vag.”

OJ, we all know you have a big one. You’re black. Cheater.

Has anyone noticed that some of these celebrity sex tapes get “leaked” right before/after one of their movies hits theaters? It’s so obviously a publicity stunt, but nobody seems to care. Verne Troyer most likely released this sex tape with the notion that people were going to watch it and think, “Little man’s really giving it to that bitch. I think I’ll go see The Love Guru now.”

Most of those sex tapes are lame anyway. I watched the entire Paris Hilton tape just to come to the conclusion that she’s a stupid bitch that can’t give a blowjob.

The wrestler Chyna (Jodie Laurer)? Yeah, she made one too. She has steroid acne on her ass and her clit is the size of my flaccid penis.

The only video I have found remotely jackable is the Kim Kardashian video that surfaced a couple years ago. It was just a little tough to imagine myself banging her, when the other guy was hung like a human tripod. Arrgggh, I hate being white sometimes.

“I’m gonna wreck your shit like a drunk driver.”

Anyway, back to Mini Me. No deal has been made yet for the release of this freak show, but his agent is reportedly seeking $100,000 for the rights. I can’t fucking wait to see it though. Watching a human cabbage patch kid standing on a table, railing out the ham wallet of some sloppy bitch is #18 on my list of things I have to see before I die.

Don’t disappoint us, Verne.