I have a confession to make. I have deceived you all.

The story about the twin who cut off his arm so his brother can attach it to his chest was a lie. BiggFredd pointed out to me the date of the article was April 1st, 1999. It was an April Fools joke. Thanks for the heads up, BiggFredd!

Everyone, I’m sorry for wasting those precious three minutes of your time that you would’ve usually spent masturbating. In the future, I’ll try to be more careful when checking my references.

Technology is a bitch. Things used to be so much more simple before all these hi-tech devices like cell phones, iPods, tampons, and toilet paper. I still can’t figure out how to use them correctly.

So… you wad it up and then shove it up your ass?

What’s even worse is that new technology is creeping its way into classic everyday things: ovens and refrigerators that connect to the internet and download recipes, computerized coffee tables with TVs built-in. And the worst – automatic car door locks. Oh, man.

A woman in Utah had to call 911 when the battery in her car died and she was locked in . Rescuers arrived and tried speaking with the woman through the window, but she couldn’t hear them. She motioned to one of the men to call her on her cell phone. The conversation probably went like this:

Woman: “Help! My battery died and my electric locks don’t work. I’m trapped!”

Rescuer: “Calm down, ma’am. We’ll get you through this. Do you have manual locks on your door as well?”

Woman: “Manual what? I don’t know. Is it this knob on the radio thingy? I just use remotes for everything these days.”

Rescuer: “…No. I can see it from here. That little sliding lock that says LOCK on it. Slide that to the side.”

Woman: “Oh, ok! I got it, thanks!”

Rescuer: “Wow, you stupid fucking bitch. I hope you die.”

Technology. Dun dun dunnnnn.

Months ago, I wrote about a guy who got his nipples cut off and cast into clear resin plugs to wear in his ears.

You ain’t cool until you get a pair of these.

A major downside to removing your nipples so you can wear them in your ears is that you only have two of them. Knowing me, I’d wake up one morning and realize that one of the nipple plugs had fallen out in my sleep and I cut them off for nothing – you see, nobody wears just one nipple plug.

Wow, I’ve already said “nipple” five times. I’m done using that word. From now on, they will be called “tweaky knobs.”

If lopping off your tweaky knobs is disturbing to you, then you’d need to invent a new word to describe what identical twins Ryan and Dave decided to do.

Dave was a medical student and Ryan was a piercer, although they were both heavily into the piercing and tattoo scene. After becoming bored with standard body modifications, they took shit to the extreme. Let’s start with the most minor of the two body mods – the alien finger.

According to a bmezine.com interview with the twins, the process went like this:

“First we removed the centre joint of my finger, along with the skin and just over an inch of overhanging tendon. Then we split Ryan’s finger at the end of the first joint. It was relatively easy to insert the extra joint, especially since we had so much extra tendon to play with.”

I think they should have used a different finger because the shocker doesn’t even use the ring finger. That’s no fun.

Now, onto the good stuff. The more extreme operation involved amputating Dave’s right arm and reattaching it behind Ryan’s right pectoral muscle.

Although the amputated arm healed perfectly on Dave’s body, it’s just a limp limb that hangs there looking awesome – it doesn’t actually have any mechanical use unless you need an extra limp arm to flop around when you’re acting like a retard.

It’s important to mention that these procedures were done strictly under local anesthesia with no help from a hospital.

I think this shit is fucking insane, but the part I really don’t understand is that Dave gave up half a finger and an entire arm to Ryan. What does he get out of this whole thing? Well, apparently they have some really “exciting” genital work planned. Yay!

I make a lot of posts for the ladies with helpful life advice like how to become a prostitute and how to perform a home abortion, but this post is for the dudes.

I know many of you would like to consider yourself macho guys who get hard-ons thinking about beating the shit out of some douchebag at the bar. When someone makes a joke about you being a homosexual, you get all up in arms like, “I’m not a fag, dude! I like chicks!”

What are you trying to prove?

“Rawwwwrrrrrgghhhh – Oops, I just farted LOL!”

Here’s a piece of advice: Don’t flip out if someone calls you gay and don’t rip on gay dudes for no reason. Acting like a homophobe only makes you look like you’re hiding something. Are you?

A real man should know that women aren’t impressed by tough guys with tiny dicks who think they can win the UFC. Women are impressed by sensitive dudes with nice underwear.

Yeah, that’s right – nice underwear.

You think it’s attractive to a woman when she wakes up next to you after a one-night stand and sees your whitey-tighteys on the floor, with a brown skidmarks on the front and a yellow piss stain on the back? You’ve been wearing your shit backwards, idiot!

Man, nobody wears that style of underpants anymore. It’s all about manties now. They’re like womens’ panties, but made for men. What better way to show women that you’re a sensitive man who isn’t afraid to be a little feminine sometimes? Manties (pronounced MAN-TEES) are available in many styles, like these fancy hi-cut lacy ones with bows.

A little too extravagant? I guess not everyone likes showing off. How about the embroidered briefs? Nothing screams “I’m a manly sports fan” like these.

“Let the games begin!”

So next time you’re in the market for some new underwear. Skip those boring white Hanes and get with some manties. The silk really wicks the sweat off your balls.

I assume that most of you that visit this site on a regular basis have decent reading skills, otherwise, you wouldn’t find half of this shit funny. That said, I’d like to rant for a second about the common misuse of the word “your.”

I learned about the difference between “your” and “you’re” in third grade. It’s an easy concept to grasp; You’re is a contraction of two words – you and are . You use it when making a statement about someone.

Here’s an example: You’re a fucking piece of shit and I hate you.

Got it?

The word your is a pronoun and possessive form of the word you .

For example: Your mom left her dildo at my house.

Please, feel free to pass this knowledge on the next time you notice someone using these words incorrectly. Make sure you sound very condescending and call them a fucking ass-hat too