It seemed like only yesterday when I checked the news and saw the inevitable headline “JAMIE LYNN SPEARS PREGNANT!”
The world seemed shocked by this, but that doesn’t make sense to me because anyone related to Britney Spears is most likely fucking insane and fails at life.
After being concerned about recent ultrasound pictures of the baby, doctors decided that Jamie Lynn should have a C-Section today. The “breech position” of the baby inside her womb isn’t normal and there’s a risk it could be born upside with its oxygen supply cut off - I’d say that’s the least of this kid’s problems.
“I’m Jamie Lynn’s baby. I plan on coming out of her vagina alllll wrong.”
Personally, I think this whole C-Section thing is a lie. Here’s how I imagine the conversation going between Jamie Lynn Spears and her doctor:
Doc: “Well Jamie Lynn, we need to do a C-Section. Your vaginal entrance is a large gaping hole just like your sister and mother. The baby is at risk of falling out at any time.”
JLS: “I knew something was wrong when the baby stuck his whole arm out of my pussy the other day.”
Doc: “Yes, that’s not supposed to happen in a normal pregnancy. We can either give you a C-Section, or sew up your vagina until you go into labor. Until then, you’re not going to be able to have sex with any-”
JLS: “OMG fuck that, cut it out of me.”
“And if you look to your left, you’ll see a pregnant Jamie Lynn resembling a manatee in high heels.”
Someone should take this child and raise it in a normal home so I don’t end up writing about its future mistakes in 16 years.
Just like most of my recent stories, this one also comes from Florida. You guys crack me up.
Hey, speaking of crack, I’d just like to congratulate Theodore Hall for being Sidecarsally’s Father of the Day!
Good ol’ Teddy was busted yesterday while making cocaine deliveries - with his three small children in the car.
Cocaine: Fun for the whole family!
The kids were returned to their mother and Ted is being held on $34,000 bail.
I love our country: “Oh, you drove around town soliciting prostitutes with your kids in the car and you used their lunch money? Just pay us $2,000 and you can return home until your court date in two years.”
You see, there is a little bit of freedom left in America. You just have to get into trouble first to take advantage of it.
Times are tough in America recently with our shitty economy, insane gas prices, and assholes like my neighbor flinging his dogshit over into my yard. Fucker.
I thought many of my readers out there could use some extra money (if not, then ask me about my private donation fund) so I decided to give you guys a few tips on how to make some money without actually having to “work.”
1) Stripping: Ladies, this is a really great way to make some serious bank in a single night. There is only one main prerequisite; you have to be attractive with a nice body. There is a loophole for this rule, however; blowjobs. Most guys that frequent strip clubs would be willing to part with $50-100 for a beejer. If you can knock down a couple of them, you can afford to get tested for STD’s the next day and still have some spending cash! To score some bonus sympathy points with the customers, tell them you’re working your way through medical school.
“I’m only doing this until I become a doctor.” Pffft.
2) Prostitution: Like stripping, but much less professional and the rates are lower. $10-40 for a blowjob and your clientèle is a lot more creepy, even compared to strip club patrons.
“Oooh, I remember you from last time. You’re the guy who likes to have his balls stepped on.”
3) Crack dealer: Male prostitutes are called “gigolos” and generally don’t get much business, so I suggest that the guys just stick with something like dealing drugs. Remember not to smoke your own stash!
This could be you in 3 years.
4) Rob a lemonade stand: That’s right. This idea never occurred to me until today, but if you can target the right child who is hustling in their own way, you can screw them right out of their earnings. To ensure positive karma, try the Robin Hood approach: Find a kid who is charging way too much for a shitty glass of lemonade, give them a brief speech about capitalism and then run off with their money.
If you’re going to try Plan 4, make sure that you do a little research on the victim first. If the kid is 12-years-old and has “HATE” tattooed on his knuckles, chances are his dad will run out of the house and kill you. Target a really pathetic, nerdy looking kid.
A guy in Terre Haute, Indiana decided to rob a lemonade stand this weekend, but the kids took after him and chased him into a nearby house where it took cops an hour to coax him out. He was arrested on a felony robbery charge, which yielded him a whopping $17.50.
The lesson learned here: Robbing lemonade stands can be dangerous. If you’re looking for a shady way to make some money, just be a prostitute.
Yesterday was a big day for Tiger Woods. He won his 14th major, and 65th PGA Tour title.
“I’m so happy I won. If I wasn’t good at golf, I’d NEVER get any pussy.”
You know, I think it’s a little arrogant for Tiger to win another tournament. The guy won’t stop winning. Do you know how that makes the other golfers feel?
He breaks not one, but two clubs. Brutal.
I don’t know how he’s made it this far without being assassinated. Oh yeah, probably because it’s GOLF and nobody gives a fuck. Watching my grandmother make a quilt would be more interesting.
Most people think of weddings as a man and a woman accepting a legal promise to make each other miserable for the rest of their lives.
The man, dressed handsomely in his tuxedo, stands at the alter with a nervous look in his eye - contemplating whether or not he really wants to fuck this one woman for the rest of his life. The woman, looking beautiful in her ridiculously over-priced wedding gown - wondering if this douchebag is the asshole that’s going to end up becoming a drunk and beating her in ten years.
Who wouldn’t want to be a part of the American dream?
The Supreme Court recently made a ruling that will forever change the way that marriage is traditionally thought of. Starting today, gay people in California can legally get married!
The most common gift at a gay wedding: Lube.
Now, when I think of weddings and honeymoons, I can think of two hairy-bush brush-cut lesbians munching rug all night in the 69 position next to a bottle of pink champagne that they will probably forcefully insert into each other.
Alternately, I can think of two sweaty dudes railing each other in the ass over a heart-shaped bed. Awesome!
This is considered a huge victory for the gays, who have been fighting the legal system for years in order to gain the right to tie the knot without having to fly to Hawaii. Who else would complain about having to go to Hawaii?
Either way, I congratulate the gay community for this huge victory. I’m sure you all will have really cute [adopted] kids.
“We’re very exthited that the Thupreme Court hath our backths.”
NBC newsman Tim Russert died of a massive heart attack on Friday while doing voice-over work for a show. He was only 58-years-old and his death came as a complete shock to everyone because he was thought to be a healthy individual.
“Yay! I’m goin’ to heaven!”
I have here a written transcript of what Tim was saying at the moment of his death:
“La la la, I’m Tim Russert and it’s a jolly day to be alive. You know, I don’t think anything bad can happen today. On my way to work, I saw gas prices drop and I also saw a pretty rainbow. It’s days like this that makes me truly happy to be ali-ACK UGHHH MPHHH!”
I was not shocked by Tim’s death, however. One of my friend’s messaged me and said, “OMG Tim Russert died today!!1″ and I’m like, “Who the fuck is that?”
My mind’s tellin’ me nooooo. But my body, my body’s tellin’ me yeaaaahhhh.
Today is a good day for R&B singer R. Kelly. He was found not not guilty of child pornography!
“I don’t see nothin’ wronggg with a little bump and grind - with an underage girl.”
Over a half-decade ago, Kelly was arrested when a sex tape surfaced that appeared to show him having sex with a 13-year-old girl. I’ve seen the video and I’m telling you, R. Kelly is a weird dude. After several minutes of sex and foreplay, Kelly stands over the girl and completes the video by pissing all over her. Classy!
“Hey, when ya gotta go, ya gotta go.”
I understand and appreciate getting freaky in the bedroom, but I don’t get the whole pee and poop thing. I don’t even like looking at the toilet paper after I wipe my ass, let alone shit all over somebody.
Either way, I’m not one to judge him. Maybe there’s some kind of pleasure that I haven’t experienced yet by defiling women with my piss. You know what? Fuck it. I’ll give it a shot. Do any of you have a webcam I can borrow for the weekend?
This article is for the girls who are breastally challenged - girls with small tits.
Growing up, you probably remember reading books or hearing stories about blossoming into womanhood. These stories are lies. The first thing they say is that you’ll get your period and it’s a beautiful thing because you can have a baby. What they don’t tell you is that you’ll bleed like a slaughtered animal and act like a emotional wreck before and during your period.
Then, you’re told further lies like “one day you will wake up and notice your boobies have been growing.” What they don’t say is that some girls breasts appear to stop growing when they’re about 4-years-old. Take actress Kiera Knightly for example:
Most overweight men have larger breasts.
Before I continue, I am not a boob Nazi. I don’t care if they’re A cups or Z cups, as long as they look nice. What constitutes nice tits? I’d say a firm shape and a nipple-to-boob ratio of no more than 10%. Here is a diagram I made:
If your fun bags are nothing to brag about and you can’t afford to do anything about it, you’re in luck! Thanks to myfreeimplants.com, you can be on your way to getting FREE implants.
How does it work?
Fuck that. I’m not going to rep anyone else’s site. What have they done for me? Just kidding.
Basically, a woman can sign up for an account and post a bunch of hot pictures of herself and her tiny tits. Then, men (or lesbians) can create profiles and buy credits to give to the girls that they feel “deserve” implants. Enough credits = free boob job. You see, it’s like free money for being hot, but you can only spend it on fake tits. You could be a celebrity guest on Howard Stern in no time!
“You know how some people are addicted to crack? Well, I’m addicted to silicone.”
What do the guys get out of this? Well, they can REQUEST dirty pics and videos from the girl, but that’s about it. Needless to say, I haven’t crossed the line from “loser” to “loser who’s so pathetic, he actually takes part in this website” - yet.
Ladies, do whatever makes you happy. If your breasts really bother you, then go sign up for an account and start working on getting some titties. I don’t see any reason why not to - oh, unless you’re just fucking hideous. Implants really won’t do your face any justice.
If the city of Lovington, New Mexico was a person, I would punch it in the face for being stupid.
This week, Lovington school board officials approved a dress code amendment banning facial hair in their public junior and high schools. Even the almighty Zeus is shocked by this decision.
“They’re banning WHAT?”
For the life of me, I can’t think of a single scenario in which facial hair has become such a nuisance to a school district that they have to prohibit students from growing sideburns below their earlobes. This is preposterous!
The district also banned sagging pants. Wow guys, way to be about 10 years behind on that one. Nobody even sags their pants anymore because these days it’s all about not wearing underwear. All the celebrities are doing it.
“I didn’t wear panties tonight so have your cameras ready!”
Board President Lynda “Bitchface Asshole” McGinnes says, “students will perform better when more is expected of them.”
Pfffft.
If a school forced me to wake up and shave every morning, the only thing I’d be more likely to do is take a shit in the faculty lounge coffee pot.
Yes, those are little chunks of corn in the turd.
I urge all of you to e-mail Lynda McGinnes and give her a piece of your mind - unless you support this bullshit. In that case, I urge you to jump off a building and try to land head-first onto something really hard. You can view a copy of the e-mail I sent to Lynda here.
This next story excites me and depresses me at the same time. On one hand, it’s an awesome fuckin’ story. On the other hand, fatfuck ugly gayboy Perez Hilton wrote about it before me.
Grrr… fuck you Perez, you piece of shit. Stick to celebrity gossip and stay the fuck out of offbeat news. I do it better.
A taste of your own medicine.
In China, a baby was recently born with an unusual spare organ protruding from his body. Normally, I’d be happy to write about anyone born with a physical deformity, but this one is just too great to be true. The kid was born with an extra dick sticking out of his back.
This kid is going to invent entirely new sexual positions.
Apparently, there is a condition where twin fetuses combat for first place inside the womb, and sometimes the loser dies and its body becomes absorbed by the other. This can cause “extra” body parts to grow on the inside or outside of the winner’s body. This is what most likely happened to the baby.
For stereotypical reasons, I’m going to call the little Chinese baby Wang (pun intended). The story of the back-penis goes like this:
Little Wang was fighting with his twin inside the womb. Wang fashioned a fleshy samurai sword out of some spare tissue from his mom’s uterus. The unfortunate twin was not skilled in the art of swordmaking, so he was killed while defending himself in vain.
Weeks later, with the rotting corpse of his brother next to him in the womb, Wang was feeling a little claustrophobic. You can imagine how terrible his mother’s vagina must have smelled during all of this.
“Man, this is sick. I gotta get rid of this body,” thought Wang.
He began the fetus-absorption process, but decided at the last minute that he wanted a trophy from his opponent.
“Hmm, I think I’ll take his penis.”
But on Wang’s tiny fetus body, he had nowhere to attach the extra cock. Since fetus brains are not developed, Wang soon forgot about the leftover penis from his twin and, in his sleep, he rolled over on top of the penis - this caused it to fuse to his back. Oops!
After Wang was born, doctors removed the penis from his back during a procedure that took three hours to complete.
Personally, I wish they would’ve just left the penis on his back so they could wait for it to become erect. Then they could lay him on his back and spin him around on top of the little boner. Classic fun!
