It seemed like only yesterday when I checked the news and saw the inevitable headline “JAMIE LYNN SPEARS PREGNANT!”

The world seemed shocked by this, but that doesn’t make sense to me because anyone related to Britney Spears is most likely fucking insane and fails at life.

After being concerned about recent ultrasound pictures of the baby, doctors decided that Jamie Lynn should have a C-Section today. The “breech position” of the baby inside her womb isn’t normal and there’s a risk it could be born upside with its oxygen supply cut off – I’d say that’s the least of this kid’s problems.

“I’m Jamie Lynn’s baby. I plan on coming out of her vagina alllll wrong.”

Personally, I think this whole C-Section thing is a lie. Here’s how I imagine the conversation going between Jamie Lynn Spears and her doctor:

Doc: “Well Jamie Lynn, we need to do a C-Section. Your vaginal entrance is a large gaping hole just like your sister and mother. The baby is at risk of falling out at any time.”

JLS: “I knew something was wrong when the baby stuck his whole arm out of my pussy the other day.”

Doc: “Yes, that’s not supposed to happen in a normal pregnancy. We can either give you a C-Section, or sew up your vagina until you go into labor. Until then, you’re not going to be able to have sex with any-”

JLS: “OMG fuck that, cut it out of me.”

“And if you look to your left, you’ll see a pregnant Jamie Lynn resembling a manatee in high heels.”

Someone should take this child and raise it in a normal home so I don’t end up writing about its future mistakes in 16 years.

Just like most of my recent stories, this one also comes from Florida. You guys crack me up.

Hey, speaking of crack, I’d just like to congratulate Theodore Hall for being Sidecarsally’s Father of the Day!

Good ol’ Teddy was busted yesterday while making cocaine deliveries – with his three small children in the car.

Cocaine: Fun for the whole family!

The kids were returned to their mother and Ted is being held on $34,000 bail.

I love our country: “Oh, you drove around town soliciting prostitutes with your kids in the car and you used their lunch money? Just pay us $2,000 and you can return home until your court date in two years.”

You see, there is a little bit of freedom left in America. You just have to get into trouble first to take advantage of it.

Times are tough in America recently with our shitty economy, insane gas prices, and assholes like my neighbor flinging his dogshit over into my yard. Fucker.

I thought many of my readers out there could use some extra money (if not, then ask me about my private donation fund) so I decided to give you guys a few tips on how to make some money without actually having to “work.”

1) Stripping: Ladies, this is a really great way to make some serious bank in a single night. There is only one main prerequisite; you have to be attractive with a nice body. There is a loophole for this rule, however; blowjobs. Most guys that frequent strip clubs would be willing to part with $50-100 for a beejer. If you can knock down a couple of them, you can afford to get tested for STD’s the next day and still have some spending cash! To score some bonus sympathy points with the customers, tell them you’re working your way through medical school.

“I’m only doing this until I become a doctor.” Pffft.

2) Prostitution: Like stripping, but much less professional and the rates are lower. $10-40 for a blowjob and your clientèle is a lot more creepy, even compared to strip club patrons.

“Oooh, I remember you from last time. You’re the guy who likes to have his balls stepped on.”

3) Crack dealer: Male prostitutes are called “gigolos” and generally don’t get much business, so I suggest that the guys just stick with something like dealing drugs. Remember not to smoke your own stash!

This could be you in 3 years.

4) Rob a lemonade stand: That’s right. This idea never occurred to me until today, but if you can target the right child who is hustling in their own way, you can screw them right out of their earnings. To ensure positive karma, try the Robin Hood approach: Find a kid who is charging way too much for a shitty glass of lemonade, give them a brief speech about capitalism and then run off with their money.

If you’re going to try Plan 4, make sure that you do a little research on the victim first. If the kid is 12-years-old and has “HATE” tattooed on his knuckles, chances are his dad will run out of the house and kill you. Target a really pathetic, nerdy looking kid.

A guy in Terre Haute, Indiana decided to rob a lemonade stand this weekend, but the kids took after him and chased him into a nearby house where it took cops an hour to coax him out. He was arrested on a felony robbery charge, which yielded him a whopping $17.50.

The lesson learned here: Robbing lemonade stands can be dangerous. If you’re looking for a shady way to make some money, just be a prostitute.

Yesterday was a big day for Tiger Woods. He won his 14th major, and 65th PGA Tour title.

“I’m so happy I won. If I wasn’t good at golf, I’d NEVER get any pussy.”

You know, I think it’s a little arrogant for Tiger to win another tournament. The guy won’t stop winning. Do you know how that makes the other golfers feel?

He breaks not one, but two clubs. Brutal.

I don’t know how he’s made it this far without being assassinated. Oh yeah, probably because it’s GOLF and nobody gives a fuck. Watching my grandmother make a quilt would be more interesting.

Ahh, weddings.

Most people think of weddings as a man and a woman accepting a legal promise to make each other miserable for the rest of their lives.

The man, dressed handsomely in his tuxedo, stands at the alter with a nervous look in his eye – contemplating whether or not he really wants to fuck this one woman for the rest of his life. The woman, looking beautiful in her ridiculously over-priced wedding gown – wondering if this douchebag is the asshole that’s going to end up becoming a drunk and beating her in ten years.

Who wouldn’t want to be a part of the American dream?

The Supreme Court recently made a ruling that will forever change the way that marriage is traditionally thought of. Starting today, gay people in California can legally get married!

The most common gift at a gay wedding: Lube.

Now, when I think of weddings and honeymoons, I can think of two hairy-bush brush-cut lesbians munching rug all night in the 69 position next to a bottle of pink champagne that they will probably forcefully insert into each other.

Alternately, I can think of two sweaty dudes railing each other in the ass over a heart-shaped bed. Awesome!

This is considered a huge victory for the gays, who have been fighting the legal system for years in order to gain the right to tie the knot without having to fly to Hawaii. Who else would complain about having to go to Hawaii?

Either way, I congratulate the gay community for this huge victory. I’m sure you all will have really cute [adopted] kids.

“We’re very exthited that the Thupreme Court hath our backths.”