You’re a desperate woman who needs some cash. You decide to rob a credit union, but need to make some preparations. After some careful plotting, your checklist is complete:

Yellow rubber gloves – check.
Baseball cap – check.
Sunglasses – check.
8-month-old fetus in your womb – check.
Baby toddler waiting in car outside – check.

Meet Wonder Mom, Erica Smith. On Tuesday morning, she walked into a central Florida credit union – 8 months pregnant – with intentions on robbing the place. Worse yet, she left her toddler waiting in the car outside.

Well, at least the kid wasn’t the getaway driver.

“Sorry mom, this is where we part ways.”

The news report didn’t elaborate on the robbery, so I don’t know if Erica made off with any cash, but police caught up with her after a witness noted her license plate. Her bail was set at $100,000, so I’m assuming that she’s still sitting in jail at this moment and wondering what she did wrong.

Needless to say, this is not model parenting. Geez, Erica – are you retarded or something? If you’re going to bring your kids along to a robbery, at least give them a gun so they can keep an eye on the witnesses. If she would have had a “lookout child,” she could have gotten away and this story would have been a lot more interesting to read.

The human body is a disgusting thing. Aside from .001% of the human population, most of us are gross and naturally unattractive. Just take a look at your average myspace photo. Most people – especially females – take 57 self-shot pictures that look exactly the same and then spend hours applying every single image filter and blur effect that Photoshop offers.

There’s a good reason why the term “myspace fatty” was coined. When you meet a myspace person in real life, it becomes painfully obvious that all of their pictures are several years old – before they got addicted to fast food and beer.

I used to talk to a girl on myspace for awhile, but when I met her, she didn’t have any fuckin’ legs! You’d think she would have mentioned that when she asked if I wanted to go on a walk . It was great though because after we had sex, I just plopped her back in the wheelchair and launched her off my porch steps and into the street where a school bus hit her.

“Help me! Help me!” Hahaha.

So anyway, back to the human body and how disgusting it is. Today’s gross human anatomy-type word is “smegma.”

smeg·ma Pronunciation[smeg-muh]
–noun
a thick, cheeselike, fatty secretion that collects beneath the foreskin or around the clitoris.

I’ll use it in a sentence:

Your mom always has a bunch of crusty smegma around her lips for some reason.

In other words, dick cheese. If you’re an uncircumcised male, you have more dick cheese than the average person and your balls probably smell like the inside of a rotting animal. Your parents made a poor decision by not letting the hospital remove your foreskin. The next time you’re with an uncircumcised guy, call him “cheesy dick.” I know I will!

Fat people around the world are getting hurt. Last week, I read a story about a family of four fatties who were injured on a water raft ride at the Rapids Water Park in Florida.

The water ride is named “Black Thunder,” which is my favorite African porn star, so I’ll just rename it “The Slippery Truth” instead. Caution signs were posted on the ride to warn people that the combined family weight on a raft should not exceed 700 lbs for safety reasons. John Lenahan and his three kids weighed around 900 lbs total – that’s an average of 225 lbs per person. I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but we can assume that every minute, the Lenahan family gains 6 lbs and collectively produces 27 lbs of excrement.

The raft flipped over and the half-ton family of four was dumped into the water, causing a massive power outage in New York and tidal wave in India. Just kidding, but I think a little kid did end up in a tree somewhere.

“…Mom?”

Another biggun’ was injured yesterday in – of all places – a New York gym . You know, I really shouldn’t make fun of a fat chick who gets injured while trying to get in shape. Actually, I should because that’s probably one of the most ironic things I’ve ever heard.

The unnamed 38-year-old woman, who is described as being “very large,” was using a machine that is designed to exercise thigh and ass muscles. You know, I don’t like leaving people unnamed, so her new name will be Sloppy Vaginerson. The story goes like this:

Sloppy was working out on the ass lifter.

Sloppy got tired, and rather than exiting the machine the proper way, she tried crawling over the leg bar.

Sloppy was abruptly ejected off the machine by the counter-weight like a slingshot, according to witnesses.

Sloppy goes to the hospital.

“Just aim me towards that buffet. I’m goin’ in!”

It gets more embarrassing for ol’ Sloppy. Paramedics couldn’t use a normal stretcher to carry her out of the gym, so they had to lift her out in a “Stokes basket.”

I didn’t know what a Stokes basket was, so I googled it and I guess it’s what they use to keep entire families secure in hot air balloons. The article didn’t mention anything about them air ballooning her to the hospital. That’s kind of an important detail.

Stokes basket in the 70’s. Apparently, nobody goes ballooning anymore.

I hope Sloppy’s alright, but truthfully I’m just angry that someone wasn’t recording a video when this happened. That’s worth at least a million hits on Youtube. Cell phones have cameras now too, people – start using them.

Skinny people sink.
Fat people float.
Skinny people waste away,
While most fat people bloat.

Is it genes, or is it food?
I do not mean to sound so rude,
But when I see your camel toe,
I feel you’re being lewd.

Someone asked me today if I’m bisexual.

The answer to this question is complicated:

No.

To further prove my sexuality, I drew a picture to show you the daily choices that I’m faced with and how I handle those choices. This should clear things up.

Ever since I watched the newest Batman movie, I have been re-mourning Heath Ledger’s death. Why couldn’t it be Tom Cruise or Barack Obama? Why couldn’t Ben Affleck be the one to take a bunch of pills and die? Heath should have been in Hawaii with his kids. The world is so unfair.

I used to think of Ledger as the guy who awesomely played a self-loathing gay man in Brokeback Mountain. Now I think of him as the self-loathing gay man who also wears clown makeup and fucks up an entire city. In other words, it’s a big improvement, but I’ll never get those scenes from Brokeback out of my mind. I can’t even spit on my own hand for lube anymore because then I just picture Jake Gyllenhaal, doggystyle in front of me.

“Why can’t I quit you?!”

The Joker’s character was so insanely original in The Dark Knight, I knew it was only a matter of time before some copycats started following his shoes. It has happened all throughout history. For example, in the 1960’s, there was a guy in Australia who was dressing up as a kangaroo and going around attacking people.

Oh… OK, maybe that was an actual kangaroo.

Shit.

Either way, since the release of The Dark Knight, the first legit arrest of a Joker copycat took place this weekend in my lovable home state of Michigan. Florida must have taken the week off from stupid crime.

According to reports, 20-year-old Spencer Taylor was arrested at a movie theater for “trying to steal Batman posters and other collectibles.” Spencer, who was dressed up as the Joker at the time, is being charged with malicious destruction of property and larceny. Police made him pose for two mugshots, as if their friends wouldn’t believe that someone could actually be this big of a nerd.

Hahahahaha.

Man, those must have been some sweet collectibles.

You know, I understand why Spencer did what he did. It’s a double rush of adrenaline to imitate your favorite movie villain during some kind of illegal activity. I remember when I robbed a liquor store while dressed up as Lord Farquaad from Shrek.

“Give me all the money. Yes, I’m fucking serious… why?”

The next week, I tried holding up a bank while dressed as Hannibal, but nobody could understand my demands because of that fucking mask.

Seriously though, look at this kid. Can you imagine him in prison? He’s going to look as tasty as a piping hot apple pie to the other inmates. I really hope Spencer enjoyed briefly playing Ledger’s character because he’ll be replaying Brokeback Mountain in prison, but this time he’ll be cast as Gyllenhaal’s character.