You’re a desperate woman who needs some cash. You decide to rob a credit union, but need to make some preparations. After some careful plotting, your checklist is complete:
Yellow rubber gloves - check. Baseball cap - check. Sunglasses - check. 8-month-old fetus in your womb - check. Baby toddler waiting in car outside - check.
Meet Wonder Mom, Erica Smith. On Tuesday morning, she walked into a central Florida credit union - 8 months pregnant - with intentions on robbing the place. Worse yet, she left her toddler waiting in the car outside.
Well, at least the kid wasn’t the getaway driver.
“Sorry mom, this is where we part ways.”
The news report didn’t elaborate on the robbery, so I don’t know if Erica made off with any cash, but police caught up with her after a witness noted her license plate. Her bail was set at $100,000, so I’m assuming that she’s still sitting in jail at this moment and wondering what she did wrong.
Needless to say, this is not model parenting. Geez, Erica - are you retarded or something? If you’re going to bring your kids along to a robbery, at least give them a gun so they can keep an eye on the witnesses. If she would have had a “lookout child,” she could have gotten away and this story would have been a lot more interesting to read.
The human body is a disgusting thing. Aside from .001% of the human population, most of us are gross and naturally unattractive. Just take a look at your average myspace photo. Most people - especially females - take 57 self-shot pictures that look exactly the same and then spend hours applying every single image filter and blur effect that Photoshop offers.
There’s a good reason why the term “myspace fatty” was coined. When you meet a myspace person in real life, it becomes painfully obvious that all of their pictures are several years old - before they got addicted to fast food and beer.
I used to talk to a girl on myspace for awhile, but when I met her, she didn’t have any fuckin’ legs! You’d think she would have mentioned that when she asked if I wanted to go on a walk . It was great though because after we had sex, I just plopped her back in the wheelchair and launched her off my porch steps and into the street where a school bus hit her.
“Help me! Help me!” Hahaha.
So anyway, back to the human body and how disgusting it is. Today’s gross human anatomy-type word is “smegma.”
smeg·ma Pronunciation[smeg-muh] –noun a thick, cheeselike, fatty secretion that collects beneath the foreskin or around the clitoris.
I’ll use it in a sentence:
Your mom always has a bunch of crusty smegma around her lips for some reason.
In other words, dick cheese. If you’re an uncircumcised male, you have more dick cheese than the average person and your balls probably smell like the inside of a rotting animal. Your parents made a poor decision by not letting the hospital remove your foreskin. The next time you’re with an uncircumcised guy, call him “cheesy dick.” I know I will!
Fat people around the world are getting hurt. Last week, I read a story about a family of four fatties who were injured on a water raft ride at the Rapids Water Park in Florida.
The water ride is named “Black Thunder,” which is my favorite African porn star, so I’ll just rename it “The Slippery Truth” instead. Caution signs were posted on the ride to warn people that the combined family weight on a raft should not exceed 700 lbs for safety reasons. John Lenahan and his three kids weighed around 900 lbs total - that’s an average of 225 lbs per person. I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but we can assume that every minute, the Lenahan family gains 6 lbs and collectively produces 27 lbs of excrement.
The raft flipped over and the half-ton family of four was dumped into the water, causing a massive power outage in New York and tidal wave in India. Just kidding, but I think a little kid did end up in a tree somewhere.
“…Mom?”
Another biggun’ was injured yesterday in - of all places - a New York gym . You know, I really shouldn’t make fun of a fat chick who gets injured while trying to get in shape. Actually, I should because that’s probably one of the most ironic things I’ve ever heard.
The unnamed 38-year-old woman, who is described as being “very large,” was using a machine that is designed to exercise thigh and ass muscles. You know, I don’t like leaving people unnamed, so her new name will be Sloppy Vaginerson. The story goes like this:
Sloppy was working out on the ass lifter.
Sloppy got tired, and rather than exiting the machine the proper way, she tried crawling over the leg bar.
Sloppy was abruptly ejected off the machine by the counter-weight like a slingshot, according to witnesses.
Sloppy goes to the hospital.
“Just aim me towards that buffet. I’m goin’ in!”
It gets more embarrassing for ol’ Sloppy. Paramedics couldn’t use a normal stretcher to carry her out of the gym, so they had to lift her out in a “Stokes basket.”
I didn’t know what a Stokes basket was, so I googled it and I guess it’s what they use to keep entire families secure in hot air balloons. The article didn’t mention anything about them air ballooning her to the hospital. That’s kind of an important detail.
Stokes basket in the 70’s. Apparently, nobody goes ballooning anymore.
I hope Sloppy’s alright, but truthfully I’m just angry that someone wasn’t recording a video when this happened. That’s worth at least a million hits on Youtube. Cell phones have cameras now too, people - start using them.
Skinny people sink. Fat people float. Skinny people waste away, While most fat people bloat.
Is it genes, or is it food? I do not mean to sound so rude, But when I see your camel toe, I feel you’re being lewd.
To further prove my sexuality, I drew a picture to show you the daily choices that I’m faced with and how I handle those choices. This should clear things up.
Ever since I watched the newest Batman movie, I have been re-mourning Heath Ledger’s death. Why couldn’t it be Tom Cruise or Barack Obama? Why couldn’t Ben Affleck be the one to take a bunch of pills and die? Heath should have been in Hawaii with his kids. The world is so unfair.
I used to think of Ledger as the guy who awesomely played a self-loathing gay man in Brokeback Mountain. Now I think of him as the self-loathing gay man who also wears clown makeup and fucks up an entire city. In other words, it’s a big improvement, but I’ll never get those scenes from Brokeback out of my mind. I can’t even spit on my own hand for lube anymore because then I just picture Jake Gyllenhaal, doggystyle in front of me.
“Why can’t I quit you?!”
The Joker’s character was so insanely original in The Dark Knight, I knew it was only a matter of time before some copycats started following his shoes. It has happened all throughout history. For example, in the 1960’s, there was a guy in Australia who was dressing up as a kangaroo and going around attacking people.
Oh… OK, maybe that was an actual kangaroo.
Shit.
Either way, since the release of The Dark Knight, the first legit arrest of a Joker copycat took place this weekend in my lovable home state of Michigan. Florida must have taken the week off from stupid crime.
According to reports, 20-year-old Spencer Taylor was arrested at a movie theater for “trying to steal Batman posters and other collectibles.” Spencer, who was dressed up as the Joker at the time, is being charged with malicious destruction of property and larceny. Police made him pose for two mugshots, as if their friends wouldn’t believe that someone could actually be this big of a nerd.
Hahahahaha.
Man, those must have been some sweet collectibles.
You know, I understand why Spencer did what he did. It’s a double rush of adrenaline to imitate your favorite movie villain during some kind of illegal activity. I remember when I robbed a liquor store while dressed up as Lord Farquaad from Shrek.
“Give me all the money. Yes, I’m fucking serious… why?”
The next week, I tried holding up a bank while dressed as Hannibal, but nobody could understand my demands because of that fucking mask.
Seriously though, look at this kid. Can you imagine him in prison? He’s going to look as tasty as a piping hot apple pie to the other inmates. I really hope Spencer enjoyed briefly playing Ledger’s character because he’ll be replaying Brokeback Mountain in prison, but this time he’ll be cast as Gyllenhaal’s character.
Last night I posted a poem. One of my readers criticized me because the poem didn’t have a particular point to it, so I deleted it. This was poor judgment on my behalf and I received several hateful e-mails from other readers that were angry I deleted the poem.
Someone made a good point and suggested I was censoring myself. After reading that, I realized that he was right. This is my fuckin’ site and if I want to post a stupid poem about fucking horses, then I should do it and not worry about what others think.
On the other hand, I am concerned about content quality on the site, so please don’t tell me something’s good if it’s actually shit - because that last poem really was shit.
Without further adieu, I dedicate this poem I call “Lying Twat” to the other poem I deleted earlier. Rest in peace poem. Godspeed.
A little boy went to the lake and brought himself some fancy cake. With cake in hand, he fed a squirrel. It turned into a little girl.
The girl ran off down to the shore and asked the little boy for more. But when he handed her the cake she turned into a fucking snake.
The boy was scared. He turned to run. The snake said, “We should have some fun.”
It grabbed the boy and wrapped around until there was a breaking sound.
“You broke my back,” exclaimed the boy. “I’m not one of your fucking toys!”
Its vicious mouth was open wide. It put the little boy in side. His final thought before he died: “That dirty bitch, she fucking lied.”
This story’s message tells the world, “Don’t ever trust a fucking girl.”
Sometimes people get arrested for things that are “against the law” and serve some serious jail time for nothing more than trying to help out.
Did you know that it’s illegal to dress up in a police officer costume and walk around busting scumbag criminals like a super hero vigilante? Impersonating an officer is against the law, except on Halloween apparently.
Boner.
It’s also illegal to fake credentials at a hospital and perform heart surgery on a patient if you aren’t a doctor. You could possibly go to prison for life for that. Pshh, imagine that - life in prison for trying to help out another person. Nice, America.
There are places in the world where they don’t even have police and doctors, not to mention people who try to pretend to be, but just want to help. Why can’t we put some of these people who get arrested for stuff like that into some kind of relocation program where they can help out anyway? 14-year-old Johnny aspires to be a gynecologist, but gets arrested for practicing on girls? Don’t put him in jail - send him to Thailand to check for cervical cancer in some of the underage prostitutes!
“Put your legs in the stirrups please. Yes, I’m a certified doctor. Stop asking.”
I know you’re probably wondering if I have a real life example of a person who has been arrested in a scenario like those previously mentioned. Well, I do.
Meet 18-year-old James L. Harris from… *drum roll* … FLORIDA!
Pretty cute, huh? LOL just kidding. Well, I guess he’s cute, but I like dudes… I mean girls. Fuck.
If you’re new to Sidecarsally, you’ll catch on soon enough that most of my great stories come from Florida.
James was arrested in Miami on Tuesday for stealing at least three public transportation buses. He went to the bus yard and drove off with them, unquestioned because he was wearing a public transportation outfit.
Here’s the catch: Although James technically stole the buses, he was actually just driving around the city on the buses’ scheduled routes, picking up passengers, and then returning to the yard after his shifts. He also never stole any of the fares.
According to the news article, James is being charged with three counts each of third-degree grand theft and burglary of an occupied conveyance. These charges obviously carry strict penalties and it doesn’t look good for poor guy.
Now, I understand that what he did could have been potentially disastrous for the occupants of the bus, but come on - nothing bad happened, right? I’m sure all those people on the bus are having a good chuckle about it right now.
If he would’ve pulled this stunt on Halloween, maybe the law would have been more lenient. Especially if he was handing out candy. I love candy.
It’s never funny when a person goes missing. Well, unless that person is a clown - everything clowns do is funny!
Haha, clowns.
I just read a news story about a woman who went missing in Tennessee a couple of days ago. I figured I would spread the word and use my celebrity status to help out.
Keep an eye out for Judy Payne, who has been missing since Monday. She’s 45-years-old, and has brown hair and green eyes. Awesome, I just described 40 million women in the world. I need to be more specific - oh wait, here’s a picture of the bitch:
Mmmmm… I’m spankin’ it over here.
As for distinct identifying marks, Judy has a tattoo of a dolphin between her shoulder blades. It probably looks pretty terrible like this:
She also has a tattoo of… wait for it… a green M&M on her stomach.
Are you kidding me? I’d like to know how that thought process went.
Tattoo artist: “So, you want a tattoo. Any ideas?”
Judy: “Yeah, I really want a green M&M on my belly.”
Tattoo artist: “LOL, no seriously.”
Judy: “For real. Can you use a needle and Indian ink too, to give it that authentic vintage look?”
Tattoo artist: “This is completely against my morals, but we haven’t had much business lately soooo…”
Believe it or not, more than one person in the world has this tattoo.
Good ol’ Tennessee.
So umm… oh yeah, Judy Payne is missing. So if you see her, ask her why she got that tattoo. Oh, and call the cops.
There’s a big fucking hurricane tearing through southern Texas right now. Her name is Hurricane Dolly, but she’s a mean bitch and only wants one thing: your children.
Grab your longhorns and RUN.
Hurricanes are like huge tornadoes, except not as sweet because you can’t get sucked up into a hurricane. I like to imagine the eye of a hurricane as a giant asshole that’s peaceful in the middle, but the outside is a whole mess of nasty shit. If you’re trapped right in the middle of a hurricane, just hang out under the asshole of it and you’ll be alright.
If you’re in southern Texas right now and reading this, run outside really quick and get some sweet video footage for me.
Wear a helmet because I know shit’s blowing around all over the place right now.
We all know lovable family-man rapper DMX. He’s famous for hits like “Fuck Dat Bitch in da Ass” and “Blowin’ Heads Off Niggaz Like No 2Morrow,” but he’s mainly known for his late 90’s hit “Ruff Ryders Anthem.”
C’mon… you know the words. Just sing along and have a friend say “What!” at the end of every line.
Niggaz wanna try (what), Niggaz wanna lie (what), Then niggaz wonder why (what), Niggaz wanna die (what).
Aw shit, I’m feelin’ the gangsta blood coursing through my veins right now. Thanks, DMX!
DMX’s famous words: “Grrrrr Arf! Arf!”
For those of you who don’t know, DMX has had a bit of an unlucky streak with the law lately. Just since May 6th of this year, he has been arrested several times for different charges. Let’s start with May 6th, when he was arrested for driving 114 mph in Phoenix, AZ. A camera clearly captured his image and he’s got that white-knuckle fever.
“I’m doin’ 114 on the highway. So if you do the speed limit, get the fuck outta MY way.” Oops, that was Ludacris, not DMX.
Let’s move on to a month and a half down the road when DMX was arrested on June 22 in Miami for attempting to buy some weed and cocaine.
Cocaine!? A little coke never hurt anybody. Has it?
I’m going to skip his other charges and get right into his latest charge - fraud.
I think maybe DMX grew tired of the violent thug life and decided to become one of those “clever” criminals - scam artists. On Saturday, he was arrested at a mall in Phoenix, AZ for using a false name and Social Security number at a hospital to avoid paying $7,500 in medical expenses. I’m sure there was a time when DMX used to wipe his asshole with $5 bills - what the fuck happened to this man?
Here’s a little tip:
When you’re a fucking celebrity, don’t try to use an alias especially in a case of fraud. If you’re that retarded, then we probably already recognize you from the 43678436 times that your mugshot has been on the local news.
Surely we can release someone in prison for weed and just put DMX in their place for awhile.
