Tomorrow is a big holiday for Americans. It’s our Independence Day! My memories of History class are a little foggy, but this is what I remember about the 4th of July and the events that followed:

The 4th of July became a holiday way back in 1776 when America signed the Declaration of Independence – claiming independence from the largest planet, Jupiter.

Jupiter was controlling monetary flow and trade routes between America and Britain, but they allowed America to continue trading with Britain as long as a heavy tax of young American virgin girls was paid. Since clean women were so rare in America (and still are), a great intergalactic war was raged.

Somehow they had this technology back in the day.

Darth Vader, commander of the U.S. Continental Army, prevailed in battle and sent the Jupiterians back to their planet with crushed spirits. He was later elected the first president of the United States and watched over the drafting process of the U.S. Constitution.

“I think you should write something in that document about how awesome my helmet is.”

The U.S. Constitution, which was written by several really smart zoo animals in the Detroit area, was adopted in 1787. It states that all white men were created equal under God. Sorry if you were black, native, gay, or a woman – You’d have to wait about 200 years to get your Constitutional rights.

“Man, that Constitution thing is bullllshit.”

There you have it – a brief history of Independence Day and the Constitution. In case you were unaware of why I won’t be updating again until Monday, it’s because I’ll be celebrating being an American starting when I leave work at 5PM today.

If you see a drunk naked dude on a boat screaming at you as you drive by the lake, make sure you say “hi” to me.

Check back Monday, when I’ll undoubtedly have some firework mishap stories.