Humans are funny because we are the only species that gets bored with life and end up doing really retarded, dangerous shit.

“Yeeehaaawww woooooo! Weeeeeeee, yeaaaah!”

Most of you don’t know me personally, but I can tell you that I’ve been responsible for some of the dumbest shit that a person can do:

Age 0 (newborn): Took a shit in my diaper and tried to eat it. That’s dangerous.

Age 3: Sleptwalk (I don’t really care if that’s a word) to the zoo, and crawled into the large reptile cages. OK, maybe not really, but I needed to fill some space.

Age 8: Wildly threw a gigantic rock at a pile of dirt, only to have it skim right past my little brother’s head. It would have certainly killed him.

Age 11: Sleptwalk into little brother’s room and pissed in his garbage can. For real.

Age 12: Shot a bullfrog in a pool of raw sewage with a BB gun. Cooked it on a campfire and ate it for $1. Received hospital treatment for stomach virus and 105F degree fever.

Age 12: Tried to pick up a baby blue jay and was brutally attacked by every adult blue jay within 10 miles. Had a rabies scare, but everything turned out alright.

Age 13: Let a large crayfish grab my tongue with its claws. I’ll never do that again.

Wow, I could go on forever. I haven’t even got to all the embarrassing masturbation stories which start around the time I turned sixteen. Never use salicylic acid face wash as lube.

Most of these mishaps were definitely inspired by pure boredom. I think this is universal across the world. Just this weekend, Kent Couch, 48, strapped 150 giant helium balloons to his lawn chair and traveled 235 miles from Oregon to Idaho. When he decided to come down, he just took a gun and started shooting balloons until he descended.

Why does this sound familiar to me? Oh, right. Back in April, I wrote about a priest in Brazil who did the same thing to raise money for a truck stop. This is how it ended:

“That looks like a great idea. I think I’ll try it too, without the falling-into-the-sea part.”

Coincidentally, some oil workers just found that priest’s body this weekend. It was still floating in the ocean over 800 miles from where he was last seen. This makes me a lot more apprehensive about dumping someone’s body into the sea after killing them. Either that, or sharks just don’t eat priest.