I’d like to congratulate superstar couple Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban on the birth of their new baby girl yesterday. Congratulate? Haha, no. These people shouldn’t be allowed to have kids.

Urban kisses Kidman during one of her “retard episodes.”

This is a travesty. I’m amazed by the mere fact that anyone would even touch Nicole Kidman after Tom Cruise tainted her for so many years. A lot of people don’t know this about Kidman, but if you catch her on a bad day, her face looks like used condom.

You can walk into most plastic surgery clinics in Hollywood and ask for the “Kidman Special” – it’s where they inject your face with botox until you look like Bob, the Enzyte guy.

Don’t get me wrong, after a few martinis, some ecstasy, severe head injury, and then some more ecstasy, I’d totally put it in her. But, what’s Keith Urban’s excuse for wanting to marry a tight-faced cunt with the personality of spoon? I smell a cover-up.

Keith, it’s time to come out of the closet. You’re 40-years-old and you highlight your hair and wear body glitter on stage. You get visible erections at the thought of public restrooms and you look like the missing member of Wham!

You know I’m right about this.

The couple decided to settle with naming their daughter Sunday Rose Kidman Urban. I should adopt this child and add my last name – Fox – to the end. Her initials backwards would then be FUKRS, which is what you all are. Fuckers.