Imagine this tragic scene on the side of the highway:

You’re stuck in traffic for hours as ambulances and firetrucks creep up past you on the shoulder. When you arrive at the accident, you see an SUV with a minor damage to the front-end. Five hundred feet down the road, what used to be a car is now a crumpled pile of burning steel and rubber. Bloodied limbs, ripped from someone’s body lay scattered all over the scene.

“Wow, I wonder what kind of vehicle that used to be. A go-kart maybe,” you think to yourself.

I’m going to pause for a sec to point out that “thinking to yourself” is a really stupid saying. Of course you’re fucking thinking to yourself. Does anyone else have their brain in someone else’s head? Back to the story.

So what was that hunk of crushed metal? A Smart car, of course!

I just can’t understand the appeal of driving a glorified matchbox car around. Sure, the gas mileage is probably great, but that has to be the only benefit of buying one. How about the main reason to not buy one – they look like a baby shoe on wheels.

I hope these cars come without airbags. What’s the point? You’ll get into an accident and your top half will be fine, meanwhile your lower half is crushed like the dreams of a child with AIDS. I’d rather just die.

Instead of airbags, they should install deathbags to ensure that you aren’t suffering in excruciating pain while the fire department removes your mangled body from the wreckage. Basically, the deathbags are deployed upon crash impact and gives you a heavy dose of toxic gas that kills you in the most peaceful way.

What if you own a Smart car and you have twin babies? You’d have to stack them on top of each other in the passenger seat. Get into an accident and one of them goes flying through the windshield as the bottom of its car seat scrapes the face of the baby on the bottom. Brutal!

I guess one additional minor benefit of buying a Smart car is the fact that you most likely won’t get pulled over for speeding, as these cars are unlikely to be able to drive faster than your average Flintstone.

People, please re-think your decision the next time you plan on buying a Smart car. I don’t want to have to be worried about triple-checking my mirrors every time I change lanes because of some tiny shitbox that fits perfectly into my blind spot.

For additional fun, check out the crash test video and have a terrible – err, fun – weekend!