Oops! I think I did it again
posted on July 14th, 2008 by Dustin at 7:29 pm (EST) with 23 Comments
If the days of the week were people, Monday would be the biggest douchebag alive. I hate Mondays.
I had an eventful weekend, and by “eventful,” I mean that one particular event made my entire weekend lick asshole.
My Friday night began when I arrived at a friend’s house with 42 beers to play some beer pong. I drank about 20 of them throughout the night and went outside to smoke a cigarette. My friend Rachel kept trying to punch me in the balls, so I decided to step off the deck for a little personal space. Because of the severe level of my intoxicatedness, my feet failed and I rolled my ankle on the steps of the deck, fall off and stubbed my big toe directly on the ground.
The initial pain felt like I broke my ankle, but since there was no snap or breaking sound, I knew it was only a sprain. Great, I sprained my ankle. An injury fit for a 4-year-old girl, not a Spartan warrior like myself. Naturally, I got up a minute later and played it off like a tough guy.
After a few minutes of laughter and another beer, I noticed that my sandal felt wet like I stepped in a puddle. The pain in my ankle had subsided and it became more apparent that I may had done some damage to my toe when I stubbed it. I walked inside into the light and looked down to see my sandal filling up with blood and dripping over the side.
Pretend you took a big nasty glob of peanut butter and put it on the tip of your big toe. Now, pretend that peanut butter was actually a bunch of blood and guts – that’s what my toe looked like. There was a gigantic deep gouge taken out of my toe, but still attached by a thin flap of skin. I flipped the flap back over my toe and went into the bathroom to wash it off.
Since I was pretty much shitfaced at this point, I had a full medical staff of friends taking care of me. While one of my friends bandaged my toe, there was a blinding flash of light and a powerful voice spoke to me from the heavens. It said:
“Dustin, you should now come to realize how truly awesome of a man you are. Look at that mustache. Even I, God, am envious of your ultimate glory. Only a truly divine individual could have a group of people tending to them in times of such a horrific and disgusting injury brought upon by themselves. You sir, will become a legend!”
He was right. I could’ve probably asked them to pluck the stray pubes from my taint with their teeth if I wanted. I decided to milk it and see what I could get away with. I asked Steve to get me a beer.
“Fuck you, Dustin. I was sitting right here while you had that whole divine conversation with yourself. Weirdo.”
The next morning, I awoke with minimal recollection of the night. I put my foot down on the ground with a thud and felt a sharp pain shoot up my leg. When I looked down, there was a trickle of fresh pus and blood oozing out from the deep slice that ran around the tip of my toe. The tip was purple like a raging erection ready to explode.
Since I’m so tough, I decided not to get stitches, so I let it bleed for 24 hours. Now I’ve got a handsome flap of dead skin that will eventually fall off and leave my toe looking lopsided. On the bright side, I get to wear sandals at work all week. I also learned a very valuable lesson after all this:
If you’re going to get hurt, make sure you’re really drunk first because it doesn’t hurt nearly as bad.
23 Comments - Leave One!
Comments
Comment from me!
Time July 14, 2008 at 7:40 pm
that's what you get for drinking busch light…you're being punished oh and i totally can relate to the drunk/hurting yourself deal.. i was pretty drunk when i broke my foot.. the next day the amount of pain was quite a surprise hope you feel better.. and post more pictures! haha like really gross ones 
Comment from NIKKI
Time July 14, 2008 at 7:46 pm
EW DUDE. Hhaha, look at the beer cans in the background. :crying:
Comment from Mental Case
Time July 14, 2008 at 8:02 pm
That girl should swallow your tadpoles at least 20 times for that. Or take a "Third Input"
Comment from Caitasaurusrex
Time July 14, 2008 at 8:12 pm
Your toe gives me the heebie jeebies. I sprained both my ankles at the same time last year and I wasn't even drunk. At least you had an excuse. Anyways suck it up. You'll be fine.
Comment from hellyoho
Time July 14, 2008 at 8:18 pm
I was playing beerpong one time about 5 years ago. I got drunk, puked, fell off a porch, scraped the hell out of my leg, and walked home with blood dripping down my leg. I got home and passed out, but woke up to the phone ringing at like 4am. In stead of answering the phone, I urinated on it. But the hilarity really ensued when I answered the commode! True story, btw. I don't play beerpong anymore.
Comment from Maria Concepcion Rodriguez de Jesus
Time July 14, 2008 at 8:37 pm
oh my gawd, dustin, hope you feel better. :] ps- i don't like your dustache. eww. :/
Comment from angelfuck
Time July 14, 2008 at 8:56 pm
OMFG!!!! that looks horrible. get well<3
Comment from asdf
Time July 14, 2008 at 9:29 pm
why does my toe feel weird.
Comment from Alyssa
Time July 14, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Yep I would have to agree on this lesson learned I dislocated my knee when I was wasted therefore I didn't feel it as much but oh boy when I sobered up I sure did feel it alright. Well how your toe gets better
Comment from Hoof Hearted
Time July 14, 2008 at 10:04 pm
I'm more disgusted at your selection of beer. Busch Light? WTF. Maybe since Anheuser-Busch has been bought by that European company InBeV, it may taste better.. or they could actually stop producing it.
Comment from cortnie
Time July 14, 2008 at 10:11 pm
love the part about the blood and "guts" that was gushing from your toe! :laughing: no but really… that sucks and looks horrible! At least your toe nail didnt come off!
Comment from 34
Time July 14, 2008 at 10:46 pm
ew, barf feel better soon, dbag
Comment from u dont know pain
Time July 14, 2008 at 11:53 pm
some fucking asshole tried 2 run me over 1 time!!! i was on my scooter on a hill that looked like this / the dbag drove @ me… i jumpde off hurd a snap and got back on my scooter and rode the rest of the way down,walked inside,drank a pepsi, then i tried 2 type and my fingers wuldnt move i was like "oh fuck… i forgot how 2 type!!"then i noticed the swelling and called the hospital…. broke my arm =) it doesnt hurt if u dont pay attention!!
Comment from Shorty
Time July 15, 2008 at 12:06 am
OMG!! what ugly feet you have!!!! LMFAO! just kidding! put proxoide on it and it will heal fast. :tongue:
Comment from matt
Time July 15, 2008 at 2:15 am
dude, i just kept thinking of my kid falling down the steps, i put your face on his and laughed, i think im a bad dad for that! ah ha, just bullshittin, but those pics of you where you are all 300 is so fucking funny, omg, i want a banner with that on it :laughing:
Comment from metal mistress
Time July 15, 2008 at 7:06 am
dude that sux, I was pushed into a pool once but the toe next to my big toe on my left foot stayed behing in a grill on the side of the pool, snapped all the tendons and shit up my foot and leg. Now i have nerve damage in my foot, it sux, and hurts! the doc was amazed my toe was still attatched. That beats you injury i reckon. Oh i also ran into a fence, scars on my face to proove it hahaha
Comment from Reflect
Time July 15, 2008 at 10:53 am
I recommend blood transfusions amputation 3inches below the knee followed by 3 months of kemo-therapy & life perscription of sandro-migrain to stop the headaches (head/toe.. same shit, both hurt) you know just to be safe… if you don't do ALL of this, 50years down the track, don't think i won't be like "I Fucking Told You So!!"
Comment from Jane
Time July 15, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Hey Dude – you need stitches! It might be too late now. :crying:
Comment from Michelle
Time July 15, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Dude. That looks nasty! Busch light?? Fuck that.
Comment from Josh
Time July 16, 2008 at 1:08 am
nothing is better than walking around in the sandals you bled profusely on, 2 days later with no band aid on your toe. you are fearless d fox…. gangrene be damned.
Comment from Kim!
Time July 16, 2008 at 5:17 am
Ah. Awsome.
Comment from Rachel Reine
Time July 17, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Alright. While the injury did occur at my house, I have a few things to say about my apparent role in this accident. A) I had no part in Dustin's VOLUNTARY LEAP to the cement resulting in the injury. He had a case of drunken invincibility, and thought that jumping off the porch (which, mind you, is merely three stairs high) would be fun. He was not attempting to escape an attack… my hands have not been close to Dustin's balls in quite some time. B) The unnamed friend who lovingly bandaged up poor old Dustin was me, and I took damn good care of that fucked up toe. C) What's with all the ragging about Busch Light? No, it's not some tasty schnazzy beer, but have you tried drinking good beer while playing an inordinate number of games of beer pong? You'll end up full, tummy aching, and without desire to continue playing. Around here, we play with cheap beer, and we drink until we can't keep our eyes open. (Besides, if you have to buy enough beer for each person to drink about 20, would you wanna throw down for the expensive stuff?) And now my house will go down in Sidecar history as the house where Dustin lost his big toe while drinking shitty beer. YES!
Comment from laurarispoli.com
Time July 14, 2008 at 7:35 pm
I hope you feel beter soon! Also just saw 300 last night and it was surprisingly great. Hang in there!