It’s never funny when a person goes missing. Well, unless that person is a clown - everything clowns do is funny!

Haha, clowns.

I just read a news story about a woman who went missing in Tennessee a couple of days ago. I figured I would spread the word and use my celebrity status to help out.

Keep an eye out for Judy Payne, who has been missing since Monday. She’s 45-years-old, and has brown hair and green eyes. Awesome, I just described 40 million women in the world. I need to be more specific - oh wait, here’s a picture of the bitch:

Mmmmm… I’m spankin’ it over here.

As for distinct identifying marks, Judy has a tattoo of a dolphin between her shoulder blades. It probably looks pretty terrible like this:

She also has a tattoo of… wait for it… a green M&M on her stomach.

Are you kidding me? I’d like to know how that thought process went.

Tattoo artist: “So, you want a tattoo. Any ideas?”

Judy: “Yeah, I really want a green M&M on my belly.”

Tattoo artist: “LOL, no seriously.”

Judy: “For real. Can you use a needle and Indian ink too, to give it that authentic vintage look?”

Tattoo artist: “This is completely against my morals, but we haven’t had much business lately soooo…”

Believe it or not, more than one person in the world has this tattoo.

Good ol’ Tennessee.

So umm… oh yeah, Judy Payne is missing. So if you see her, ask her why she got that tattoo. Oh, and call the cops.