Fat people around the world are getting hurt. Last week, I read a story about a family of four fatties who were injured on a water raft ride at the Rapids Water Park in Florida.

The water ride is named “Black Thunder,” which is my favorite African porn star, so I’ll just rename it “The Slippery Truth” instead. Caution signs were posted on the ride to warn people that the combined family weight on a raft should not exceed 700 lbs for safety reasons. John Lenahan and his three kids weighed around 900 lbs total – that’s an average of 225 lbs per person. I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but we can assume that every minute, the Lenahan family gains 6 lbs and collectively produces 27 lbs of excrement.

The raft flipped over and the half-ton family of four was dumped into the water, causing a massive power outage in New York and tidal wave in India. Just kidding, but I think a little kid did end up in a tree somewhere.

“…Mom?”

Another biggun’ was injured yesterday in – of all places – a New York gym . You know, I really shouldn’t make fun of a fat chick who gets injured while trying to get in shape. Actually, I should because that’s probably one of the most ironic things I’ve ever heard.

The unnamed 38-year-old woman, who is described as being “very large,” was using a machine that is designed to exercise thigh and ass muscles. You know, I don’t like leaving people unnamed, so her new name will be Sloppy Vaginerson. The story goes like this:

Sloppy was working out on the ass lifter.

Sloppy got tired, and rather than exiting the machine the proper way, she tried crawling over the leg bar.

Sloppy was abruptly ejected off the machine by the counter-weight like a slingshot, according to witnesses.

Sloppy goes to the hospital.

“Just aim me towards that buffet. I’m goin’ in!”

It gets more embarrassing for ol’ Sloppy. Paramedics couldn’t use a normal stretcher to carry her out of the gym, so they had to lift her out in a “Stokes basket.”

I didn’t know what a Stokes basket was, so I googled it and I guess it’s what they use to keep entire families secure in hot air balloons. The article didn’t mention anything about them air ballooning her to the hospital. That’s kind of an important detail.

Stokes basket in the 70’s. Apparently, nobody goes ballooning anymore.

I hope Sloppy’s alright, but truthfully I’m just angry that someone wasn’t recording a video when this happened. That’s worth at least a million hits on Youtube. Cell phones have cameras now too, people – start using them.

Skinny people sink.
Fat people float.
Skinny people waste away,
While most fat people bloat.

Is it genes, or is it food?
I do not mean to sound so rude,
But when I see your camel toe,
I feel you’re being lewd.