Last night I posted a poem. One of my readers criticized me because the poem didn’t have a particular point to it, so I deleted it. This was poor judgment on my behalf and I received several hateful e-mails from other readers that were angry I deleted the poem.

Someone made a good point and suggested I was censoring myself. After reading that, I realized that he was right. This is my fuckin’ site and if I want to post a stupid poem about fucking horses, then I should do it and not worry about what others think.

On the other hand, I am concerned about content quality on the site, so please don’t tell me something’s good if it’s actually shit – because that last poem really was shit.

Without further adieu, I dedicate this poem I call “Lying Twat” to the other poem I deleted earlier. Rest in peace poem. Godspeed.

A little boy went to the lake
and brought himself some fancy cake.
With cake in hand, he fed a squirrel.
It turned into a little girl.

This story’s message tells the world,
“Don’t ever trust a fucking girl.”

Sometimes people get arrested for things that are “against the law” and serve some serious jail time for nothing more than trying to help out.

Did you know that it’s illegal to dress up in a police officer costume and walk around busting scumbag criminals like a super hero vigilante? Impersonating an officer is against the law, except on Halloween apparently.

Boner.

It’s also illegal to fake credentials at a hospital and perform heart surgery on a patient if you aren’t a doctor. You could possibly go to prison for life for that. Pshh, imagine that – life in prison for trying to help out another person. Nice, America.

There are places in the world where they don’t even have police and doctors, not to mention people who try to pretend to be, but just want to help. Why can’t we put some of these people who get arrested for stuff like that into some kind of relocation program where they can help out anyway? 14-year-old Johnny aspires to be a gynecologist, but gets arrested for practicing on girls? Don’t put him in jail – send him to Thailand to check for cervical cancer in some of the underage prostitutes!

“Put your legs in the stirrups please. Yes, I’m a certified doctor. Stop asking.”

I know you’re probably wondering if I have a real life example of a person who has been arrested in a scenario like those previously mentioned. Well, I do.

Meet 18-year-old James L. Harris from… *drum roll* … FLORIDA!

Pretty cute, huh? LOL just kidding. Well, I guess he’s cute, but I like dudes… I mean girls. Fuck.

If you’re new to Sidecarsally, you’ll catch on soon enough that most of my great stories come from Florida.

James was arrested in Miami on Tuesday for stealing at least three public transportation buses. He went to the bus yard and drove off with them, unquestioned because he was wearing a public transportation outfit.

Here’s the catch: Although James technically stole the buses, he was actually just driving around the city on the buses’ scheduled routes, picking up passengers, and then returning to the yard after his shifts. He also never stole any of the fares.

According to the news article, James is being charged with three counts each of third-degree grand theft and burglary of an occupied conveyance. These charges obviously carry strict penalties and it doesn’t look good for poor guy.

Now, I understand that what he did could have been potentially disastrous for the occupants of the bus, but come on – nothing bad happened, right? I’m sure all those people on the bus are having a good chuckle about it right now.

If he would’ve pulled this stunt on Halloween, maybe the law would have been more lenient. Especially if he was handing out candy. I love candy.

It’s never funny when a person goes missing. Well, unless that person is a clown – everything clowns do is funny!

Haha, clowns.

I just read a news story about a woman who went missing in Tennessee a couple of days ago. I figured I would spread the word and use my celebrity status to help out.

Keep an eye out for Judy Payne, who has been missing since Monday. She’s 45-years-old, and has brown hair and green eyes. Awesome, I just described 40 million women in the world. I need to be more specific – oh wait, here’s a picture of the bitch:

Mmmmm… I’m spankin’ it over here.

As for distinct identifying marks, Judy has a tattoo of a dolphin between her shoulder blades. It probably looks pretty terrible like this:

She also has a tattoo of… wait for it… a green M&M on her stomach.

Are you kidding me? I’d like to know how that thought process went.

Tattoo artist: “So, you want a tattoo. Any ideas?”

Judy: “Yeah, I really want a green M&M on my belly.”

Tattoo artist: “LOL, no seriously.”

Judy: “For real. Can you use a needle and Indian ink too, to give it that authentic vintage look?”

Tattoo artist: “This is completely against my morals, but we haven’t had much business lately soooo…”

Believe it or not, more than one person in the world has this tattoo.

Good ol’ Tennessee.

So umm… oh yeah, Judy Payne is missing. So if you see her, ask her why she got that tattoo. Oh, and call the cops.

THIS JUST IN…

There’s a big fucking hurricane tearing through southern Texas right now. Her name is Hurricane Dolly, but she’s a mean bitch and only wants one thing: your children.

Grab your longhorns and RUN.

Hurricanes are like huge tornadoes, except not as sweet because you can’t get sucked up into a hurricane. I like to imagine the eye of a hurricane as a giant asshole that’s peaceful in the middle, but the outside is a whole mess of nasty shit. If you’re trapped right in the middle of a hurricane, just hang out under the asshole of it and you’ll be alright.

If you’re in southern Texas right now and reading this, run outside really quick and get some sweet video footage for me.

Wear a helmet because I know shit’s blowing around all over the place right now.

We all know lovable family-man rapper DMX. He’s famous for hits like “Fuck Dat Bitch in da Ass” and “Blowin’ Heads Off Niggaz Like No 2Morrow,” but he’s mainly known for his late 90’s hit “Ruff Ryders Anthem.”

C’mon… you know the words. Just sing along and have a friend say “What!” at the end of every line.

Niggaz wanna try (what),
Niggaz wanna lie (what),
Then niggaz wonder why (what),
Niggaz wanna die (what).

Aw shit, I’m feelin’ the gangsta blood coursing through my veins right now. Thanks, DMX!

DMX’s famous words: “Grrrrr Arf! Arf!”

For those of you who don’t know, DMX has had a bit of an unlucky streak with the law lately. Just since May 6th of this year, he has been arrested several times for different charges. Let’s start with May 6th, when he was arrested for driving 114 mph in Phoenix, AZ. A camera clearly captured his image and he’s got that white-knuckle fever.

“I’m doin’ 114 on the highway. So if you do the speed limit, get the fuck outta MY way.” Oops, that was Ludacris, not DMX.

Let’s move on to a month and a half down the road when DMX was arrested on June 22 in Miami for attempting to buy some weed and cocaine.

Cocaine!? A little coke never hurt anybody. Has it?

I’m going to skip his other charges and get right into his latest charge – fraud.

I think maybe DMX grew tired of the violent thug life and decided to become one of those “clever” criminals – scam artists. On Saturday, he was arrested at a mall in Phoenix, AZ for using a false name and Social Security number at a hospital to avoid paying $7,500 in medical expenses. I’m sure there was a time when DMX used to wipe his asshole with $5 bills – what the fuck happened to this man?

Here’s a little tip:

When you’re a fucking celebrity, don’t try to use an alias especially in a case of fraud. If you’re that retarded, then we probably already recognize you from the 43678436 times that your mugshot has been on the local news.

Surely we can release someone in prison for weed and just put DMX in their place for awhile.