If you guys didn’t notice, I took Friday off from work and Sidecarsally to go to Warped Tour. I’ll hopefully have a few pictures to post this week.

Overall, I was only there for about 3 hours because it was hot as fuck and I was pretty much flying solo the entire time. When you have like 10 personality disorders and speak a million words a minute, it’s really boring to be at a social event by yourself. Who was I going to talk to about dead babies and diarrhea? Surely not myself – I already know all my own jokes.

I’d like to quickly comment on all the slutty-looking underage girls there walking around with their titties hanging out. Keep it up ladies and statutory rape will be legal in another ten years!

I didn’t see that many shutter shades, despite the multiple kiosks selling them. I hung around one of the kiosks for a few minutes making fun of people who were trying them on, but stopped after I realized that I was wearing a pair of them myself. D’oh!

Since humans are assholes and can’t gather in large groups without fighting over retarded shit, I came across a nice little fight video that was recorded by a band member of Forever The Sickest Kids. In the video, you see a girl stuggling with a security guard and then getting the double whammy knuckle sandwich takedown. Enjoy!

I decided not to share my opinion about this video before you got a chance to see it because of a couple reasons. The first reason is the overwhelming response to this video is that the security guard was wrong for punching the girl. A lot of people are really pissed off about this.

The second reason is the fat guy off screen screaming at the security guard for punching the girl. “You fucking pussies! I’m gonna stand here and scream at you because I don’t believe in hitting a woman blah blah blah.” I didn’t want his words and anger to alter your morals, if you even have any.

What the fuck is wrong with you dickbags? Am I the only one who can see that this girl got kicked out and then proceeded to attack security? I would like any of you to stand by and let someone punch you in the face without retaliation. If she did that to a police officer, she would have gotten tasered.

I know what you’re thinking: “But she’s a girl! You never hit a girl!”

Correction.

You never hit a girl unless you have a reason . In fact, you shouldn’t hit anyone for no reason.

If a girl kicks me in the nuts, am I really just supposed to vomit and crawl into a corner for awhile? Fuuuuuck that. I’m going rearrange her face a little bit and then possibly urinate in her mouth while she’s laying on the ground. Maybe even more if I haven’t pooped in awhile. Does this make me an asshole? Ike Turner used to beat his wife every day in violent alcohol-induced rages and the fucker won a Grammy 25 years later. There are also rumors in the Bible that Jesus used to beat his own mother because she wouldn’t truthfully tell him who his father was.

Ladies, as far as I’m concerned, your gender-biased right to avoid a brutal backhand from a man became void when suffrage was acquired. We should all just adopt the “treat others as you’d like to be treated yourself” philosophy. That way, when someone does get punched on Youtube, the internet won’t be bogged down by 80 million scene kids bitching about how unfair it was.

I’m very angry today. I got assfucked in court because of a bullshit ticket I received in March for driving with an improper plate. Here’s the story in a nutshell:

1) I bought a car from a dealership full of the biggest fucking dickbrains you could ever imagine. Fuck you, Madison Motors. Eat my shit!

2) Aside from having several problems with the new car, my license plate didn’t transfer correctly. That means I was driving around with an invalid plate and was never notified by the fuckfaces that did the transfer. Once again, fuck Madison Motors. Suck on a horse’s big hairy cock!

3) A cop in Royal Oak, MI pulled me over because my plate wasn’t registered to any vehicle. Despite my heartwarming story and brutal honesty, I still got a ticket. Officer Fisher, I hope you accidentally shoot yourself in the face.

4) I went to court today to fight the charge, only to find out it’s a misdemeanor that carries a maximum sentence of $500 and 93 days in jail. Jail for a license plate. The prosecutor advises me that I should take the “deal” he was going to cut for me. He wanted to drop the misdemeanor and charge me with a civil infraction and fine me $160 to teach me a lesson . After fighting the urge to crawl over his desk and shit all over him, I accepted the deal instead of risking a harsher fine.

Jesus Christ, man.

I have to write a poem about the city of Royal Oak to express my rage:

Royal Oak,
What a joke.
I got a ticket, now I’m broke.
Where’s that cop I’d love to choke?
I hope that motherfucker croaks.

A city of fucks.
A town full of sluts.
They all just want it in their butts.
Why won’t they all get off my nuts?
I hate all your fucking guts.

Douches aplenty.
Assholes galore.
Fuck your mom.
She’s a whore.
Royal Oak is such a bore.
I’m fucking headed for the door.

Ugh..

This poem is terrible.
My favorite flower is the marigold.
Your grandma is very old.
And she has a hairy mole.
In a threesome, you have to share a hole.

OK, I’m over this whole poem thing lol

Warped Tour is coming up on Friday and I plan on printing up a ton of little business cards for Sidecarsally and distributing them amongst the crowd.

I posted a myspace bulletin asking for help from people who were creative and photoshop savvy, and most of you sent me links of places where I could order my own business cards. I think you guys missed the point.

One very cool girl whom I know only as “Metal Bitch” sent me this design which I think I’ll start using more often now as a banner and business cards:

It captures the essence of Sidecarsally quite well, wouldn’t you agree? If you don’t agree, then you’re wrong!

I’m still taking submissions though because I’d like more than one design, so if you want to design a business card and present it to me, message me on myspace and I’ll take a look.

By the way, my toe is feeling better although it still looks like a meth addict tried to bite it off. Here’s a visual aid to imagine how serious a bite can be from a meth addict:

We’ve all heard the band Barenaked Ladies. The only thing more annoying than their shitty music is their fans. The band’s acronym BNL should stand for Butthole Nasty Lickers because I’d rather spend eternity in Hell giving myself a rimjob than have to listen to their dickass music.

If I had a million dollars,
If I had a million dollars,
I’d buy a mountain of coke
And snort it all up ’til I choke.

I always kind of pegged these guys as being a no-talent parody band; I never would’ve guessed they like to party.

BNL singer Steven Page – not to be confused with Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page – was arrested with two other women last Friday in New York for cocaine possession. I guess now we know what he would really do if he had a million dollars.

Police were “walking by” an apartment Friday night when they saw Page standing near the window, snorting coke off the asses of two women. OK, maybe he wasn’t exactly doing that, but that’s what I’d be doing in an apartment with two bitches and a pile of coke. Either way, the police noticed some sketchy activity going on, so they arrested everyone involved.

“It’s been one queef since you looked at me.”

Page’s attorney says that he’s confident that all charges will be dropped against his client, although he didn’t mention anything about the two women, who will most likely get fucked with all the charges.

The singer is scheduled to appear in court tomorrow. I’m still waiting to file charges on them for the years I had to suffer through their songs every morning on the school bus.

One of my favorite aspects of the world is that interesting new species are discovered in the rainforests every day. Great, who the fuck lives by a rainforest? Probably none of you.

Psh, fuck rainforests. What do they do for us anyway? I’d rather get my oxygen from a tank – and mix a little nitrous in there too. Good times, my friends.

Occasionally, a new species is discovered right under our noses and it’s really exciting when it happens. For instance, a potentially undiscovered bug species was recently found in London. Bugologists (?) are baffled by its sudden appearance because now they’re all over the fucking place in swarms. The only problem is, nobody knows for sure yet whether or not these bugs are even a brand new species or if they are relatives of another similar looking bug, the Arocatus roeselii.

Wow. Fascinating… I guess.

When I read the headline “Mysterious Insect Baffles Experts,” I thought some freaky shit with one leg and thirty dicks was discovered. This bug is lame. It’s only the size of a grain of rice for shit’s sake. I squash those things all the time in my house – they’re all the same to me.

Since nobody knows if this really is a new species, that means nobody has named it yet. I’m going to give it a name right now, in case it does turn out to be new.

Assholeus Shitbuggii.