Sorry for the lack of quality news posts today. I had a couple of stories that I didn’t have time to post. However, I would like to draw attention to my lovely home state of Michigan for a minute.

This weekend is the Michigan State Fair. This year, there is a new attraction designed to educate people on the benefit of chopping your dog’s nuts off or ripping out your cat’s uterus.

Visitors to the fair can swing by the Miracle of Life Exhibit and watch veterinarians perform live neutering and spaying from inside a tent on the fairgrounds. I think a smoldering-hot tent in the middle of Detroit is the perfect place for this event. I thought about standing outside the tent and masturbating to see how people react.

Go watch a doctor in a silly hat spay your cat!

If you’re in the area, make sure you check this out. I hear they are giving out souvenier testicles to everyone who watches the entire procedure.

Sidecarsally would like to wish the King of Pop a happy birthday.

Happy birthday, Michael Jackson!

Michael turned 50 today, which is ironic because that’s about how many people in the world there are that actually believe that he never touched little boys.

I’d like all of you to post your favorite Jackson jokes in the comment section below. I have a couple to get you started:

Q: When is it bed time at the Neverland Ranch?
A: When the little hand touches the big hand.

Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is plastic and dangerous to little kids; the other one holds your groceries.

No, seriously though, I shouldn’t make fun of him. I heard he’s in the hospital for food poisoning.

Yeah, he ate a nine-year-old wiener.

One of my roommates is a female. We share a bathroom together and today I was thinking, “Hmmm… I’d kind of like to rub one out right now.”

I’m talking about spankin’ it.

I went through our entire bathroom; Every cupboard and cabinet and checked under the sink as well. Wouldn’t you just fuckin’ know it – there was no lotion.

What kind of a woman doesn’t have any lotion in the house?

I would’ve resorted to a banana peel, but I haven’t been grocery shopping in like two weeks.

New Mexico always seemed like a nice place to visit. Aside from El Paso being awarded “sweatiest city in America,” I always wanted to check out Area 51 in Roswell.

Oops, shit. El Paso is in Texas. Fuck Texas for being sweaty.

Anyway, some nasty shit has been going on at a Humane Society animal shelter in Albequerque. Workers started noticing that some of the dogs were walking funny. During some routine exams, it became apparent that a human was having inappropriate relations with a dog.

I’m not just talking about playing with a dog’s red rocket or making out with it a little bit – we all know that’s perfectly acceptable. It’s not okay, however, to sodomize a dog. Police have reported that an unknown suspect has broken into kennels four times in two months and raped dogs. The newest victim underwent a rape test, but the DNA evidence has yet to be processed. If caught, the dog fucker will be charged with bestiality and the whole court will be laughing quietly to themselves.

This story isn’t meant to draw attention to the sick bastard that violates animals though. I’m more concerned about the well-being of the animals involved. I hope the kennel didn’t just give the poor puppies milk bones and put them back in their cages. It’s important to let the dogs know that they did nothing wrong. Often times, women who are raped end up blaming themselves for the attack, and then they either become stricken with fear or they turn into giant sluts that fuck everything. I don’t want to see this happening to the dogs. Nobody likes a slutty dog.

The most interesting thing I found in the news article is that the Humane Society declined to comment on the rapes because they said “it might prevent people from adopting pets.”

That’s totally true. The first thing I want to know when looking for a pet is whether or not its has a history of being raped. There’s no way I want that kind of drama in my life.

Seriously though, I know some of you that read this site are pretty fucked up people. If this article gives you any ideas about raping dogs, please don’t. Chickens are so much tighter and you can just snap their necks and eat them when you’re done. Plus, the cops are too lazy to use a rape kit on a chicken.

There’s a buzz going around the internet right now regarding child labor. MSNBC has reported that a British man bought a new iPhone and was surprised to find a picture on it that was taken from inside the iPhone assembly factory. In the picture, a young girl poses while taking a break from assembling. Since people can’t be happy unless they’re complaining about something, questions were immediately raised about the girl’s age and working conditions.

“Get back to work, bitch!”

The British man who bought the phone posted the picture on MacRumors.com and received hundreds of comments on it within hours. One user said, “She looks about 12 or 13 to me! I don’t think [Steve Jobs] (Apple’s CEO) is going to be impressed at all. It looks a little bit too much like child labor.”

Steve Jobs was unavailable for comment because he was probably at an Asian massage parlour, getting a handjob from a 9-year-old.

Let me just clear something up. Almost all Asian people look younger than they really are.

This is actually a 47-year old Asian man.

Is there any point to drawing negative attention to a girl who was obviously just having a little fun during her insanely boring work day? The only crime in that photo is that stupid fucking hat that she has to wear. If she’s in China, the government has most likely already murdered her entire family for jeopardizing the country’s relationship with Apple Inc.

Way to go, ass hats. She was cute too.