If you’re a regular reader on this site, then you already know where this story is coming from.

Did you know that it’s illegal to call 911 without a real emergency? Generally, the dispatcher is the person who decides whether or not your call is legit enough to warrant a police response. My question is, why does the dispatcher have the right to decide whether or not your situation is an emergency? Pshh.

Pretend that you just ran out of toilet paper while taking a crap. That’s kind of an emergency, isn’t it? There’s no hotline to call for bathroom assistance, so what the hell are you supposed to do? Hopefully you wouldn’t just pull your undies back up and go to the store to buy more paper. And you certainly don’t want to wipe with your bare hands. I think you should be able to call 911.

“Yes, I was shitting on the front porch and realized I left the roll of shit tickets inside the double-wide. Can I get an officer out here?”

Reginald Peterson, 42, had a terrible emergency last Thursday. He went into Subway and ordered a spicy Italian sandwich – and they didn’t put any sauce on it. The peril was too great to handle – so he understandably called 911:

Reggie: “I have an emergency. Subway didn’t put any sauce on my spicy Italian. I tried arguing with them on the importance of having sauce on my sandwich, but they shunned me. Can I please get an officer down here immediately?”

Dispatch: “Uh, yeah sure, buddy.” *Click*

While he was outside on the phone, Subway locked their doors to keep poor Reggie from re-entering. Five minutes later, with no cops on the scene yet, Reggie called 911 again to ask for faster assistance. When the police finally showed up, they tried explaining to Reggie what the definition of “emergency” is, but he was very angry.

Reggie: “But this is a fucking emergency! I can’t eat this sauceless abomination.”

He was promptly arrested for making false 911 calls.

The culprit.

Reggie, I hope you learned a valuable lesson from all this. You should’ve went to Quizno’s instead.