It’s been a crazy year for freaks and monsters. I have a couple of new exciting discoveries to tell you about, but first, let’s review:

The “tree man” is an Indonesian farmer who got an HPV infection so bad, warts covered his entire body – giving the appearance of tree roots growing from his hands and feet. I’ve been trying to request a picture of his penis (for science), but I haven’t heard back from him yet. He must not have a digital camera.

Tree man ponders, “I wonder what’s for dinner. I hope it’s not meatloaf again.”

In India, a baby girl was born with two functioning faces and she was revered as a goddess reincarnate.

In China, a baby boy was born with a dick sticking out of his back. The Chinese don’t have a diety with a back-dick, so the child was rightfully considered a freak and the misplaced penis was removed.

Baby dickback ribs.

Let’s turn away from mutated children now and talk about some real monsters. There have been some pretty interesting rumors floating around the news lately.

Recently, two men from Georgia were out in the woods – presumably looking for a lost hiker to rape – when they stumbled upon a large, hairy carcass. They claim it to be the dead body of Bigfoot and plan on having its DNA analyzed after a press conference today in California.

I was really excited about this until I found out that Tom Biscardi, founder of the Great American Bigfoot Research Organization, is speaking on behalf of the two rednecks – err, Georgians – that found the body. Bascardi has been involved in two Bigfoot hoaxes since 2005. After uncovering this little tidbit of information, I’m pretty sure the carcass was just some local Georgia man who collapsed during a naked run through the forest.

The funny thing about this picture is that it seriously looks like my dad.

This next monster sighting I find much more credible. People in Texas have been spotting an elusive dog-like creature known in Mexico as the chupacabra, or “goat sucker.” The animal is thought to be a cross between a coyote and a Mexican wolf, although nobody can explain its lavender skin color and hairless body.

Chupacabras have been sneaking onto livestock farms at night and sucking the blood from chickens and other small animals. This behavior is another mystery for scientists because coyotes and wolves have never been known to feast solely on the blood of their prey. Menstruating women in the area are terrified to leave their homes.

Last but not least is the “Montauk monster.” This creature supposedly washed up on a shore in Montauk, New York last month. It has the body of a mammal and the beak of a turtle. Allegations of it being a monster have been discredited by “experts” who claim it to be dead racoon.

I have ran over at least a dozen raccoons with my car (on accident), and I can tell you that they don’t look anything like this fucking thing. Unless raccoons regularly swim off the beaches of New York and fuck sea turtles, this thing really is a monster.

UPDATE:

I don’t enjoy misleading my readers, so after doing more research on the Montauk monster, it turns out that the “beak” is actually the bone structure of the partially-decomposed raccoon. Bigfoot is probably a lie, as is the Montauk monster. The chupacabra appears to be legit, which is nice, but it’s really just a retarded-looking crossbreed. So what have we learned from this story? The only real monsters are humans born with two faces or dicks on their backs. Anything else is probably just a dead raccoon.