Yesterday, someone tried to get all philosophical on me and asked what I think the most significant aspect of humanity is. Is it our ability to sympathize and help others when they are in need? Oh please. Maybe 1% or less of humans would even stop to help an old woman change her tire at the side of the road. The other 99% of people only help out because they think you will owe them a favor.

“Here you go Frank. So, can I fuck your wife tonight?”

I think the most profound facet of humanity is an uncanny ability to take anything out of context and add a sexual undertone to it. For instance, I previously wrote a story about a woman from Kentucky who complained that Wal-Mart was selling drinking straws shaped like penises. Wal-Mart claimed it was completely unintentional and pulled the straws from the shelves.

There is a Chinese athlete competing in the Olympics right now. His name is Dong Dong. I can’t help but think of two dicks every time I read or hear that name. Watch this…

Dong Dong.

Haha! See, I told you. You thought about two dicks, didn’t you? No? OK, moving on.

Disney recently decided not to market a pair of their “tween” panties because of a suggestive logo on the front. First of all, what the fuck is a tween? Apparently, it’s a person who is around the age of twelve but not quite a teen yet. I call that 100% pure fun. But seriously, a tween sounds more like a cross between a twat and a teen. Or would that be a tweent?

The Disney panties were supposed to be released in conjunction with the new movie “High School: The Musical 2,” but someone was smart enough to realize that it’s not a good idea to market panties to twelve-year-olds if “DIVE IN!” is printed on the front of them.

Hopefully nobody meant to create panties for little girls with an invitation to their vaginas plastered on the front, but you really have to wonder what the fuck people are thinking sometimes. This is the same reason that Scratch-N-Sniff panties were never released to the underage crowd.

Other failed underage panty slogans include:

“100% legal (in Thailand)”

“If you can read this, then you are probably breaking the law.”

“Shhh! I won’t tell… unless you piss me off.”

“Just pretend it’s not my first time.”