LOL @ marriage
posted on August 19th, 2008 by Dustin at 4:17 pm (EST) with 17 Comments
As you all know, I’m a sucker for weddings. I watch Bridezillas on the Wedding Channel and tell my roommates that my eyes are only watering because my allergies, then I change the channel to Ninja Warrior. Truthfully, I cry like a little bitch every time I see people exchanging their vows.
Pffft.
If I really was crying, it’s because every time I see another fucking wedding, I just lose a little more hope for humanity. Why can’t people just choose to live out their miserable lives in solitude? I’ll never wish someone good luck on their marriage because I don’t even want to waste those two words – I’d rather save them for a person getting an AIDS test.
Furthermore, most people don’t even know what a nice wedding is anymore. Women are supposed to have some kind of fantasy ceremony that they have been dreaming about since birth. You know things have gone terribly wrong when you’re drinking Kool-Aid in your garage with an RV and Aunt Bertha is scarfing down the buffet in a blue velour jumpsuit.
How can these people be OK with this?
Speaking of weddings, super-dyke Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi got married this weekend. I’ve had a miniature crush on Portia since I first saw her in a shampoo commercial like 8 years ago. Needless to say, I was devastated when I found out she only eats clam sandwiches… Ellen’s clam sandwich nonetheless.
Ellen doesn’t make an attractive lesbian and her jokes are terrible. I can’t even say that she’s a man trapped in a woman’s body, because she doesn’t even have a woman’s body. She looks like an outgoing 19-year-old boy with a testosterone deficiency.
Why, Portia? Why?
And since this wouldn’t be Sidecarsally if I didn’t have some horrific wedding story, I’d like to humor you with a recent story from Michigan.
Andy Somora and Anna Pastuszwska got married on a Michigan beach on July 19th. Don’t even try to pronounce her last name, by the way. I spend 5 minutes trying to annunciate each syllable and got a tongue burn.
Andy and Anna, only hours before the impending chaos.
After the wedding (which was rained on the entire time), the couple and their friends/family held the reception at an art gallery. Later on, the police were called by the gallery owner after some of the guests got shit-faced and threw a lamp through a plate glass window.
When the cops showed up and told everyone to leave, Andy Somora got angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. He lunged at an officer while his new wife clung to him like a dingleberry sticking to an ass hair. The officer pulled out a taser gun and shocked both of their asses back to 1982.
Anna didn’t fall during the Cha-Cha Slide. That’s the face of a bitch who just got tasered and has no idea what the fuck is going on.
And now for the icing on the cake:
Anna and Andy spent the night apart in separate holding cells with random strangers. Sounds like an amazing honeymoon. Two nights later, police responded to a noise complaint and allegations that Andy had pushed his new wife. They were both arrested and tasered again for being uncooperative.
I like Andy and Anna – they have pizazz. If crazy stuff like this happened all the time, I would be so much more excited to go to weddings. I would go to weddings of people I don’t even know and spike the punch to instigate some fights. Who wants to be my accomplice?
17 Comments - Leave One!
Comments
Comment from Korbs
Time August 19, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Um weddings obviously serve a purpose. And that purpose is to serve cake.
The same goes for funerals though. So I can understand why you’d be confused.
Comment from Baby
Time August 19, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Hahaha I will most deffinatly come with you!!!
Comment from Baby
Time August 19, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Post more stories! You entertain me and make the work day go by soo much faster =] (idk if faster is a word)
Comment from Cardboard Shell
Time August 19, 2008 at 4:46 pm
I’m game. We’ll call it “punch punch” it’s the alcoholic punch you drink before you start hitting everyone you see. We won’t even have to worry about losing money on the alcohol, because , well first of all, we’ll just buy generic $5 vodka. Secondly, we’ll make the money back by starting pools on who will get knocked out before the reception is over. When the cops come, we just take the money and ditch out.
If we’re quick, we might be able to get a nice blender out of it too.
Weddings are fun!
Comment from Chrissy
Time August 19, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Hey now! I love Ellen! Leave my fellow lesbian alone! 
Comment from Dj G
Time August 19, 2008 at 5:34 pm
i love ellen degeneres, but weddings suck.
Comment from Metal Mistress
Time August 19, 2008 at 5:34 pm
i dont get marriages
A: the money spent on a wedding could go towards a house or something usefull!
B: Bridezillas expect their wedding to be a certain way…and when the slightest thing goes wrong its the end of their lives!
I think people get married to proove that someone loves them enough, all that ring says to me is
“look now i have proof someone doesnt think im too disgusting to fuck”
Later down the track if i decide to get married it will be cheap…. sign a piece of paper then a bbq with mates….but make them buy the food hahaha.
I just really dont see the point in marriage at all…. live life…..dont get tied down
Comment from Shelby
Time August 19, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Heh I will be your date for wedding shannanigains!! Oh what fun. Do I see a Florida trip our future? HA mucho fun I say.
Comment from GuitarJunkie
Time August 20, 2008 at 10:41 am
ahh marriage
the one day u lose your freedom to some bitch youll divorce later on
JK girls LMAO
good article dustin
Comment from laurarispoli.com
Time August 20, 2008 at 11:53 am
I’m still cringing from reading the term clam sandwich… ee
Ok I’m alright 
This is funny and I’m definitely not one of those people that always dreams of a big wedding. I still do want to find the one man for me though. I want to be married someday I can’t help it.
Comment from michelle, bitch
Time August 20, 2008 at 12:35 pm
I’m down.
Comment from blackhand
Time August 20, 2008 at 10:12 pm
lol that chick who got tasered looks like my aunt… wth…
Comment from Ryan
Time August 21, 2008 at 9:42 am
the best part about that bitch getting tasered is(for those of you that love porno like me!) that there are like at least 5 cops surrounding here so heres the scenario…..
Cops walk in break up the wedding taser him and her, but him alot more.
Main Cop: “Now that your new husband is out cold, lets have a litte fun shall we?”
All Cops: *grinning*
Anna: “No please my college gang bang days are over, its been so long I dont know if I can handle all these dicks at once!”
And then the music starts and the good shit begins!
Look at her face!!!! She wants it……
Comment from Ryan
Time August 21, 2008 at 9:52 am
P.S. i was right about the Porno look at this pic I found of them forcing her to “enjoy” it!
Comment from Natalie
Time August 30, 2008 at 1:36 pm
marriage goes against human nature.
fuck one person for the rest of our lives?!
Comment from Camila
Time August 19, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I hate the concept of the women manipulating men.
I mean, I also hate the concept of the men taking control.
A real marriage is when both have control.
Fucking stereotypical assholes.
Great story!
I hate it when people have those sadistic dreams and they think that is it’s not that way, then it’s not perfect.
People are so retarded.
By the way, where do you get these stories from?
hahaha