posted on August 22nd, 2008 by Dustin at 11:15 am (EST) with 9 Comments
Most of you reading this have probably seen the movie “Free Willy” about a kid who befriends a killer whale in captivity and later sets him free. Pfft. This would never happen in real life.
In Australia, tragedy struck the whale hugger community today when Colin, an orphaned humpback whale calf was euthanized after being deemed too weak to care for itself. First of all, who the fuck names a whale Colin? I think Flippy or Blowie is much more appropriate.
Colin, err, Flippy the whale.
Colin was discovered early this week, floating adrift by himself and trying to suckle milk from nearby boats. What an idiot! Boats don’t have nipples or milk. This whale had it comin’.
Some people tried to save Colin by creating feeding apparatuses, but by the time everything was ready, it was too late. As a last resort, an Aboriginal whale whisperer came to visit Colin with hopes of trying to cure him with magic. Dressed in feathers and face paint, he stroked the whale passionately and sang a weird song until Colin was like, “fuck this” and went to suckle from a tugboat.
“I was just singing to him! It was the OTHER guy’s idea to give him fellatio.”
After Colin’s condition rapidly got worse in the last 24 hours, experts decided that he was suffering terribly and the most humane thing to do was kill him. His death was peaceful though because he died in the water surrounded by angels. Oh wait, no he didn’t. Officials dragged him onto land, covered him in a tarp, and whispered, “die motherfucker” in his whale ear as gave him a lethal dose of anesthetic. Brutal.
Rest in peace Colin. I’ll pour a little liquor out on the beach for you, brotha.
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