Whale murder
posted on August 22nd, 2008 by Dustin at 11:15 am (EST) with 9 Comments
Most of you reading this have probably seen the movie “Free Willy” about a kid who befriends a killer whale in captivity and later sets him free. Pfft. This would never happen in real life.
In Australia, tragedy struck the whale hugger community today when Colin, an orphaned humpback whale calf was euthanized after being deemed too weak to care for itself. First of all, who the fuck names a whale Colin? I think Flippy or Blowie is much more appropriate.
Colin, err, Flippy the whale.
Colin was discovered early this week, floating adrift by himself and trying to suckle milk from nearby boats. What an idiot! Boats don’t have nipples or milk. This whale had it comin’.
Some people tried to save Colin by creating feeding apparatuses, but by the time everything was ready, it was too late. As a last resort, an Aboriginal whale whisperer came to visit Colin with hopes of trying to cure him with magic. Dressed in feathers and face paint, he stroked the whale passionately and sang a weird song until Colin was like, “fuck this” and went to suckle from a tugboat.
“I was just singing to him! It was the OTHER guy’s idea to give him fellatio.”
After Colin’s condition rapidly got worse in the last 24 hours, experts decided that he was suffering terribly and the most humane thing to do was kill him. His death was peaceful though because he died in the water surrounded by angels. Oh wait, no he didn’t. Officials dragged him onto land, covered him in a tarp, and whispered, “die motherfucker” in his whale ear as gave him a lethal dose of anesthetic. Brutal.
Rest in peace Colin. I’ll pour a little liquor out on the beach for you, brotha.
9 Comments - Leave One!
Comments
Comment from Irrational Behavior
Time August 22, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Boats don’t have nipples or milk? That’s news to me.
Comment from Reflect
Time August 22, 2008 at 1:04 pm
$50 says that the aus government will sell Colins meat/flesh/tastey organs to the asians
over here (in oz) its really the only thing thats made head-lines other than the olympics, and it started off such a delightful story about a curious cute lil whale that had a thing for boats, never saw the ending comming.. humans beach the whale and O/D the poor thing >=[
if wasnt so restrictive on this matter, their would have been more possibilities of a better outcome
and duude, wtf is with the name colin, (and flippa which is totaly a dolphin name) i think Colins name should have been Shark Bait XD
here, here to pouring a little liquor into the deep blue =]
Comment from Camila
Time August 22, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Oh man, why do humans always get involved in this?
great story, by the way. It should be named “Colin the dumbfuck lonely whale” 
Comment from Kimbo??
Time August 22, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Not if it was a dairy moo cow boat.
Comment from Shelby
Time August 22, 2008 at 7:38 pm
That is kind of sad, but shit, it happens in nature. People need to deal with it. Its a part of life. Nature has times when is generally fucked up. Except the fact that its kicking Floridas ass with hurricanes , in wich case I say YAY for nature!
Comment from Nicole
Time August 22, 2008 at 11:20 pm
fellatio was my word of the yesterday. I’m pretty sure you stole it from the picture of my cat giving himself head. yessir.
Comment from Jeffrey lima
Time August 23, 2008 at 7:42 am
why would they kill flippy (collin ahah)
if he was gonna die they hsould let him die on his own not od him.
il steal some liquor for him rip
captcha:fesses haha shit
Comment from .
Time August 24, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Tom must not like you very much… He sucks.
Comment from Metal Mistress
Time August 22, 2008 at 12:03 pm
yeah thats been all over the news here
its such a sad story
but you would think there would be another option other than killing him, fair enough he was suffering but what about before the suffering?
gahh people shit me off