In Shakespeare’s novel Julius Caesar, there is an interesting quote by Julius himself: “Let me have men about me that are fat, sleek-headed men and, such as sleep o’nights. Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look. He thinks too much, such men are dangerous.”

As a kid, I could relate to this quote because it seemed like all my happiest friends were the same kids getting picked on for being fat. Large people generally tend to be jolly - take Santa Claus for example.

Thin people are generally shady characters that always seem to be up to something diabolical - like me.

I didn’t pose for this. This is actually how I approach women.

Sad times are upon us when I can’t even turn my back on a 500 lb. Italian without wondering which part of the Jersey coast my bloated dead body will wash up on. Damn the mafia.

I was thinking maybe Caesar’s passage should be rephrased to, “Let me have morbidly obese men who cannot lift themselves from their beds and, such as sleep o’nights.” This seemed more appropriate in today’s society because I figured that there had to be some kind of a weight threshold that just makes it impossible for a person to commit any crime. I wholeheartedly believed this until today.

Police are still trying to figure out what to do with 27-year-old Mayra Lizbeth Rosales, who is accused of murdering her 2-year-old nephew. You see, Mayra shatters the scales at a whopping 1,000 pounds, and prison doesn’t really have the amenities for her. She’d have to be served a terrifying three meals a day and have access to fresh air and exercise equipment. What a horrible thought!

Well, it’s not just that Mayra can’t handle such a drastic change in her lifestyle. The main issue is that police can’t get her out of bed, and even if they could, she wouldn’t fit through her door.

Unless she can magically disassemble her body, have a group of Olympic weight lifters carry the pieces to a flat-bed truck and then haul her to Mexico, she ain’t goin’ nowhere. She’d never even get through customs!

Listen, fuckers. It’s not that hard to figure out what to do in this situation:

Keep her under house arrest (as if she had a choice). When her trial is over and she’s convicted, give her the death penalty. Get Ethiopia on the phone and tell them that we have a surprise for them… Barbequuuuue!

Little Mutumbo can’t wait much longer for some ribs.