If I found a magic lamp and a genie inside granted me three wishes, one of those wishes would be that I could watch Florida news channels from Michigan. I’m thoroughly convinced that alligator piss has tainted the water and is driving Florida residents insane. And you know what? It’s fuckin’ great!

48-year-old Frankie Lewis was arrested on Sunday in Ocala for pulling a knife out during a church breakfast buffet and threatened to cut members of the congregation who refused to give him butter. Frankie, you’ve got it all wrong.

Here are a few scenarios when it’s appropriate to pull out a knife:

1) “Hey dude! Check out the knife I got for Christmas!” *Pull out knife*

2) “This steak is too tough to cut with my fingers.” *Pull out knife*

3) “I hate having a penis and I don’t want to be a man anymore.” *Pull out knife*

In Frankie Lewis’ case, this is pretty much exactly how it went down at the buffet:

Frankie: “Can I please have some butter for my biscuit?”

Church-goer: “No, sorry. We don’t have any butter.”

Frankie: “I’m having a bad day and all I want is some fucking butter.”

Church-goer: “OK, now you’re definitely not getting any butter. Please leave.”

Frankie: (Pulls out knife) “If I don’t get some fucking butter for my fucking biscuit, I’m gonna cut your Jesus-lovin’ face off!”

Church-goer: “Ahhhhh! OK, here’s your butter!”

Frankie: (Puts knife away) “Thank you.”

As Frankie put the knife away, he was struck in the head with a wooden board wielded by another church member. He stumbled out the door, fled via bicycle, and was arrested down the street. He’s currently in jail and being charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

Frankie, I’m passionate about my butter too. Don’t worry, friend. I hear they have awesome butter in prison and you can also use it as lube when you’re spankin’ off in your cell for the next few years.