Most of you reading this have probably seen the movie “Free Willy” about a kid who befriends a killer whale in captivity and later sets him free. Pfft. This would never happen in real life.
In Australia, tragedy struck the whale hugger community today when Colin, an orphaned humpback whale calf was euthanized after being deemed too weak to care for itself. First of all, who the fuck names a whale Colin? I think Flippy or Blowie is much more appropriate.
Colin, err, Flippy the whale.
Colin was discovered early this week, floating adrift by himself and trying to suckle milk from nearby boats. What an idiot! Boats don’t have nipples or milk. This whale had it comin’.
Some people tried to save Colin by creating feeding apparatuses, but by the time everything was ready, it was too late. As a last resort, an Aboriginal whale whisperer came to visit Colin with hopes of trying to cure him with magic. Dressed in feathers and face paint, he stroked the whale passionately and sang a weird song until Colin was like, “fuck this” and went to suckle from a tugboat.
“I was just singing to him! It was the OTHER guy’s idea to give him fellatio.”
After Colin’s condition rapidly got worse in the last 24 hours, experts decided that he was suffering terribly and the most humane thing to do was kill him. His death was peaceful though because he died in the water surrounded by angels. Oh wait, no he didn’t. Officials dragged him onto land, covered him in a tarp, and whispered, “die motherfucker” in his whale ear as gave him a lethal dose of anesthetic. Brutal.
Rest in peace Colin. I’ll pour a little liquor out on the beach for you, brotha.
My perils continue into the week. I’ll have a good post for you later when I get back from the bar. I really need a drink.
Myspace deleted my account for having custom HTML that hid the Block button on my profile. I didn’t even get a warning, just 1,800 friends gone in a heartbeat. If I knew exactly who was responsible for this, I would put a herpes curse on their entire family. Not just genital herpes either; I’m talkin’ about every form of the virus - pink eye, shingles, cold sores, etc.
Also, I’ve noticed some people commenting on the archives. I’d appreciate if you stayed out of any archived stories that were written before May of this year. I still have to convert the code to HTML and re-post it so the pictures show up on the articles. Otherwise, you’re just reading a block of text that won’t even make much sense without the images to assist the punchlines.
I’ll be back in a little bit to post a story about a lonely baby whale. Byeeeee.
Sorry for the lack of updates today. I quit smoking cigarettes and it’s been rough. I wish I could grow to the size of Jupiter and kick our planet into the sun, where everyone (except my readers) would perish in a fiery rage.
When I’m feeling angry, I like to unwind by watching violent TV shows. I came across something yesterday and it might possibly be one of the best ideas in our lifetime. Picture this: Godzilla vs. Mothra, but on a much smaller scale.
I’m not talking about action figures. I’m talking about Japanese Bug Fighting. In Japan, almost everything is legal - drugs, murder, rape, and bug fighting. Yeah, that’s right. Bug fighting.
In America, we can’t have bug fights because of pesky organizations like PETA. If you’re a PETA supporter, then I suggest you do a little research on why the founder, Ingrid Newkirk, is a hypocritical shitass who deserves to be stuffed in a cage and hooked to a milk machine until her ovaries implode.
Anyways, back to the bug fighting. The popular Japanese show pits insects against each other in a dual to the death. Since I have been a slacker today, I figured I could at least introduce you to something new and awesome, so feast your eyes on the future of animal cruelty:
I’m not a fan of wasps, but I fucking hate centipedes, so I was really disappointed with the outcome of this fight. Some people call this animal cruelty, but I think that’s bullshit. They are bugs. As far as I’m concerned, if you wouldn’t allow something to crawl all over you and sleep in your bed at night, then you should definitely be allowed to cram it in a small arena with an equally disgusting creature and let them kill each other.
I tried to stage my own bug fight but all I had was pubic crabs and head lice. You need some kind of high-powered camera with macro ability to even see what was going on.
As you all know, I’m a sucker for weddings. I watch Bridezillas on the Wedding Channel and tell my roommates that my eyes are only watering because my allergies, then I change the channel to Ninja Warrior. Truthfully, I cry like a little bitch every time I see people exchanging their vows.
Pffft.
If I really was crying, it’s because every time I see another fucking wedding, I just lose a little more hope for humanity. Why can’t people just choose to live out their miserable lives in solitude? I’ll never wish someone good luck on their marriage because I don’t even want to waste those two words - I’d rather save them for a person getting an AIDS test.
Furthermore, most people don’t even know what a nice wedding is anymore. Women are supposed to have some kind of fantasy ceremony that they have been dreaming about since birth. You know things have gone terribly wrong when you’re drinking Kool-Aid in your garage with an RV and Aunt Bertha is scarfing down the buffet in a blue velour jumpsuit.
How can these people be OK with this?
Speaking of weddings, super-dyke Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi got married this weekend. I’ve had a miniature crush on Portia since I first saw her in a shampoo commercial like 8 years ago. Needless to say, I was devastated when I found out she only eats clam sandwiches… Ellen’s clam sandwich nonetheless.
Ellen doesn’t make an attractive lesbian and her jokes are terrible. I can’t even say that she’s a man trapped in a woman’s body, because she doesn’t even have a woman’s body. She looks like an outgoing 19-year-old boy with a testosterone deficiency.
Why, Portia? Why?
And since this wouldn’t be Sidecarsally if I didn’t have some horrific wedding story, I’d like to humor you with a recent story from Michigan.
Andy Somora and Anna Pastuszwska got married on a Michigan beach on July 19th. Don’t even try to pronounce her last name, by the way. I spend 5 minutes trying to annunciate each syllable and got a tongue burn.
Andy and Anna, only hours before the impending chaos.
After the wedding (which was rained on the entire time), the couple and their friends/family held the reception at an art gallery. Later on, the police were called by the gallery owner after some of the guests got shit-faced and threw a lamp through a plate glass window.
When the cops showed up and told everyone to leave, Andy Somora got angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. He lunged at an officer while his new wife clung to him like a dingleberry sticking to an ass hair. The officer pulled out a taser gun and shocked both of their asses back to 1982.
Anna didn’t fall during the Cha-Cha Slide. That’s the face of a bitch who just got tasered and has no idea what the fuck is going on.
And now for the icing on the cake:
Anna and Andy spent the night apart in separate holding cells with random strangers. Sounds like an amazing honeymoon. Two nights later, police responded to a noise complaint and allegations that Andy had pushed his new wife. They were both arrested and tasered again for being uncooperative.
I like Andy and Anna - they have pizazz. If crazy stuff like this happened all the time, I would be so much more excited to go to weddings. I would go to weddings of people I don’t even know and spike the punch to instigate some fights. Who wants to be my accomplice?
Yesterday, someone tried to get all philosophical on me and asked what I think the most significant aspect of humanity is. Is it our ability to sympathize and help others when they are in need? Oh please. Maybe 1% or less of humans would even stop to help an old woman change her tire at the side of the road. The other 99% of people only help out because they think you will owe them a favor.
“Here you go Frank. So, can I fuck your wife tonight?”
I think the most profound facet of humanity is an uncanny ability to take anything out of context and add a sexual undertone to it. For instance, I previously wrote a story about a woman from Kentucky who complained that Wal-Mart was selling drinking straws shaped like penises. Wal-Mart claimed it was completely unintentional and pulled the straws from the shelves.
There is a Chinese athlete competing in the Olympics right now. His name is Dong Dong. I can’t help but think of two dicks every time I read or hear that name. Watch this…
Dong Dong.
Haha! See, I told you. You thought about two dicks, didn’t you? No? OK, moving on.
Disney recently decided not to market a pair of their “tween” panties because of a suggestive logo on the front. First of all, what the fuck is a tween? Apparently, it’s a person who is around the age of twelve but not quite a teen yet. I call that 100% pure fun. But seriously, a tween sounds more like a cross between a twat and a teen. Or would that be a tweent?
The Disney panties were supposed to be released in conjunction with the new movie “High School: The Musical 2,” but someone was smart enough to realize that it’s not a good idea to market panties to twelve-year-olds if “DIVE IN!” is printed on the front of them.
Hopefully nobody meant to create panties for little girls with an invitation to their vaginas plastered on the front, but you really have to wonder what the fuck people are thinking sometimes. This is the same reason that Scratch-N-Sniff panties were never released to the underage crowd.
Other failed underage panty slogans include:
“100% legal (in Thailand)”
“If you can read this, then you are probably breaking the law.”
Most of us have seen the movie “The 40-Year-Old Virgin.” If you haven’t, then you’re probably an asshole and shouldn’t read my website anymore. Fuck you.
Anyway, you may recognize actor Shelley Malil from the same movie. He played Haziz, one of Steve Carell’s Indian co-workers.
Malil, during his “angry smoke break” scene.
Aside from being an actor, Shelley Malil is also a complete fucking psycho. On Sunday night, neighbors heard screams coming from Malil’s ex-girlfriend’s home. The couple had been broken up for some time, but Malil was stalking her. He watched from outside as she ate dinner with another man.
“How dare that bitch,” thought Malil as he masturbated outside her window. “I’m Shelley Malil. I’m famous! Nobody dates another man after they date me. That’s a stabbin.”
And so it was. When she came out of the house, Malil pounced on her like a tiger on a prairie dog and stabbed her over twenty times. Jesus fuck, that’s a little excessive, don’t you think? If I was going to stab someone, I would only stab them like six or seven times. This guy is just plain nuts.
The ex-girlfriend lived and Malil was later arrested at a train station. He plead not guilty to charges of premeditated murder, intent to do great bodily harm, and assault with a deadly weapon.
What drives a person to commit such terrible acts? In this case, I think the actor was just pissed that his parents named him Shelley. Either way, it’s ironic that he was arrested at a train station because when he goes to prison, other convicts will be running trains on his anus every night.
It’s been a crazy year for freaks and monsters. I have a couple of new exciting discoveries to tell you about, but first, let’s review:
The “tree man” is an Indonesian farmer who got an HPV infection so bad, warts covered his entire body - giving the appearance of tree roots growing from his hands and feet. I’ve been trying to request a picture of his penis (for science), but I haven’t heard back from him yet. He must not have a digital camera.
Tree man ponders, “I wonder what’s for dinner. I hope it’s not meatloaf again.”
In India, a baby girl was born with two functioning faces and she was revered as a goddess reincarnate.
In China, a baby boy was born with a dick sticking out of his back. The Chinese don’t have a diety with a back-dick, so the child was rightfully considered a freak and the misplaced penis was removed.
Baby dickback ribs.
Let’s turn away from mutated children now and talk about some real monsters. There have been some pretty interesting rumors floating around the news lately.
Recently, two men from Georgia were out in the woods - presumably looking for a lost hiker to rape - when they stumbled upon a large, hairy carcass. They claim it to be the dead body of Bigfoot and plan on having its DNA analyzed after a press conference today in California.
I was really excited about this until I found out that Tom Biscardi, founder of the Great American Bigfoot Research Organization, is speaking on behalf of the two rednecks - err, Georgians - that found the body. Bascardi has been involved in two Bigfoot hoaxes since 2005. After uncovering this little tidbit of information, I’m pretty sure the carcass was just some local Georgia man who collapsed during a naked run through the forest.
The funny thing about this picture is that it seriously looks like my dad.
This next monster sighting I find much more credible. People in Texas have been spotting an elusive dog-like creature known in Mexico as the chupacabra, or “goat sucker.” The animal is thought to be a cross between a coyote and a Mexican wolf, although nobody can explain its lavender skin color and hairless body.
Chupacabras have been sneaking onto livestock farms at night and sucking the blood from chickens and other small animals. This behavior is another mystery for scientists because coyotes and wolves have never been known to feast solely on the blood of their prey. Menstruating women in the area are terrified to leave their homes.
Last but not least is the “Montauk monster.” This creature supposedly washed up on a shore in Montauk, New York last month. It has the body of a mammal and the beak of a turtle. Allegations of it being a monster have been discredited by “experts” who claim it to be dead racoon.
I have ran over at least a dozen raccoons with my car (on accident), and I can tell you that they don’t look anything like this fucking thing. Unless raccoons regularly swim off the beaches of New York and fuck sea turtles, this thing really is a monster.
UPDATE:
I don’t enjoy misleading my readers, so after doing more research on the Montauk monster, it turns out that the “beak” is actually the bone structure of the partially-decomposed raccoon. Bigfoot is probably a lie, as is the Montauk monster. The chupacabra appears to be legit, which is nice, but it’s really just a retarded-looking crossbreed. So what have we learned from this story? The only real monsters are humans born with two faces or dicks on their backs. Anything else is probably just a dead raccoon.
The 2008 presidential election is coming up in a few months and I have decided who I’m voting for - nobody. To be honest, I haven’t even considered voting in this election because I’m not a fan of either candidate. Most people decide who they are going to vote for based on a whether or not a candidate shares the same views on political issues.
I pick my candidates based on their wives.
I wouldn’t vote for Obama because his wife annoys the fuck out of me. She’s too uppity, like a skinny Oprah. Furthermore, she has blatantly ripped off Jackie Kennedy’s style from the 60’s. She styles her hair, wears the same dresses, and even sports a pearl necklace like Jackie did.
Jackie looks on, unimpressed.
I didn’t know much about John McCain’s wife before today, mainly because John McCain is old as fuck and I assumed his wife would be a wrinkled old bitch with tits that looked like two grapefuits swinging from a pair of old pantyhose. I was wrong, she’s actually not that bad considering she’s married to a man with more excess skin on his neck than I have on my nutsack.
Today I read a story about McCain’s wife, Cindy McCain, getting injured. I love when politicians injure themselves, so you can imagine my disappointment when it turned out that poor unfortunate Cindy had her wrist brutalized by a fucking handshake. It was at an event in Michigan, and a fan shook Cindy’s hand enthusiastically. Cindy had surgery on her wrist several years ago for carpal tunnel syndrome - the handshake was enough to send her to the hospital where she was fitted with a cast and an arm sling to treat a “sprained wrist.” Later on, everyone had a hearty laugh at Cindy’s expense.
I don’t usually call women this, but Cindy McCain is a fucking pussy. Stay tuned next week when Cindy breaks a couple of ribs after getting a hug.
The world’s tallest woman, Sandy Allen, died at the age of 53 today after suffering from serious health problems for quite some time.
OMG, look how cute that old ass lady is.
Sandy stood 7′7″ tall, which is like 42 meters or something for you non-Americans reading this. She was born a normal size, but a tumor in her pituitary gland made her body grow to a gimongous size. I wish I could develop a disease like that for my penis.
No exact cause of death has been stated yet, but Sandy has been in the Guinness Book of World Records since the 70s. She spent her life traveling around and teaching people about what it’s like to be tall. I don’t know how this is really helpful to anyone though. I’m 6′3″ (39 meters tall) and can tell you that the only benefit of being tall is that people bug you all the time to reach high objects.
Sandy did nothing wrong in her life, so I can’t really poke fun of her. Well… she did kind of resemble Ronald McDonald.
RIP, Sandy. You’re serving Big Macs in heaven now.
This morning, I was looking at the visitor traffic on my site and I noticed something profound. Nobody from Wyoming has visited my site in the last 30 days. Months back, I noticed the same thing about Montana, but those fuckers wised up and started visiting after I made a post about how shitty Montana is. Now it’s your turn, Wyoming. Below are some reasons why you suck:
1) Wyoming is shaped like a square, just like Colorado, but Colorado became a state before Wyoming. Get your own shape, Wyoming. You know what else is shaped like a square? Robot shit. Wyoming is shaped like robot shit.
2) If you rearrange the letters W-Y-O-M-I-N-G, you can form the words ASSHOLE SHITFUCK.
3) The state motto is “Equal rights.” Try making that sound interesting and fun: “Welcome to Wyoming… uhh.. Equal rights!” Yeah, I really want to visit now. Where were the Native Americans’ rights when you drove them off their land and named the capital city - Cheyenne - after them?
4) The state sport is rodeo. This reminds me of my favorite sexual position with the same name. It’s where you’re doin’ a girl from behind and you whisper in her ear, “C’mon baby, your sister was soooo much better last night.” And then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.
The only reason to go to a rodeo is to see the little monkey that rides around on a dog’s back.
5) The list of famous people from Wyoming is pretty unimpressive. Dick Cheney grew up in Wyoming. He is too easy to make fun of, so I’ll move on to legendary artist Jackson Pollock. Pollock died in the 1950’s in a drunk driving accident and took a friend’s life with him. His paintings have sold for millions, although I’m not sure why. I could eat a bunch of food coloring, shit on a canvas for a few weeks, and then sell it to a museum too!
“Did you guys find the hidden spaceship yet?”
I think it’s safe to say that nothing really good has ever come out of Wyoming. Aside from Yellowstone National Park and Brokeback Mountain, there is no reason to visit this state. I urge everyone who lives there to move somewhere else immediately.
