Most of you reading this have probably seen the movie “Free Willy” about a kid who befriends a killer whale in captivity and later sets him free. Pfft. This would never happen in real life.

In Australia, tragedy struck the whale hugger community today when Colin, an orphaned humpback whale calf was euthanized after being deemed too weak to care for itself. First of all, who the fuck names a whale Colin? I think Flippy or Blowie is much more appropriate.

Colin, err, Flippy the whale.

Colin was discovered early this week, floating adrift by himself and trying to suckle milk from nearby boats. What an idiot! Boats don’t have nipples or milk. This whale had it comin’.

Some people tried to save Colin by creating feeding apparatuses, but by the time everything was ready, it was too late. As a last resort, an Aboriginal whale whisperer came to visit Colin with hopes of trying to cure him with magic. Dressed in feathers and face paint, he stroked the whale passionately and sang a weird song until Colin was like, “fuck this” and went to suckle from a tugboat.

“I was just singing to him! It was the OTHER guy’s idea to give him fellatio.”

After Colin’s condition rapidly got worse in the last 24 hours, experts decided that he was suffering terribly and the most humane thing to do was kill him. His death was peaceful though because he died in the water surrounded by angels. Oh wait, no he didn’t. Officials dragged him onto land, covered him in a tarp, and whispered, “die motherfucker” in his whale ear as gave him a lethal dose of anesthetic. Brutal.

Rest in peace Colin. I’ll pour a little liquor out on the beach for you, brotha.

My perils continue into the week. I’ll have a good post for you later when I get back from the bar. I really need a drink.

Myspace deleted my account for having custom HTML that hid the Block button on my profile. I didn’t even get a warning, just 1,800 friends gone in a heartbeat. If I knew exactly who was responsible for this, I would put a herpes curse on their entire family. Not just genital herpes either; I’m talkin’ about every form of the virus – pink eye, shingles, cold sores, etc.

Everyone needs to add my new profile:
http://www.myspace.com/fatchicksgivegoodhead

Also, I’ve noticed some people commenting on the archives. I’d appreciate if you stayed out of any archived stories that were written before May of this year. I still have to convert the code to HTML and re-post it so the pictures show up on the articles. Otherwise, you’re just reading a block of text that won’t even make much sense without the images to assist the punchlines.

I’ll be back in a little bit to post a story about a lonely baby whale. Byeeeee.

Sorry for the lack of updates today. I quit smoking cigarettes and it’s been rough. I wish I could grow to the size of Jupiter and kick our planet into the sun, where everyone (except my readers) would perish in a fiery rage.

When I’m feeling angry, I like to unwind by watching violent TV shows. I came across something yesterday and it might possibly be one of the best ideas in our lifetime. Picture this: Godzilla vs. Mothra, but on a much smaller scale.

I’m not talking about action figures. I’m talking about Japanese Bug Fighting. In Japan, almost everything is legal – drugs, murder, rape, and bug fighting. Yeah, that’s right. Bug fighting.

In America, we can’t have bug fights because of pesky organizations like PETA. If you’re a PETA supporter, then I suggest you do a little research on why the founder, Ingrid Newkirk, is a hypocritical shitass who deserves to be stuffed in a cage and hooked to a milk machine until her ovaries implode.

Anyways, back to the bug fighting. The popular Japanese show pits insects against each other in a dual to the death. Since I have been a slacker today, I figured I could at least introduce you to something new and awesome, so feast your eyes on the future of animal cruelty:

I’m not a fan of wasps, but I fucking hate centipedes, so I was really disappointed with the outcome of this fight. Some people call this animal cruelty, but I think that’s bullshit. They are bugs. As far as I’m concerned, if you wouldn’t allow something to crawl all over you and sleep in your bed at night, then you should definitely be allowed to cram it in a small arena with an equally disgusting creature and let them kill each other.

I tried to stage my own bug fight but all I had was pubic crabs and head lice. You need some kind of high-powered camera with macro ability to even see what was going on.

As you all know, I’m a sucker for weddings. I watch Bridezillas on the Wedding Channel and tell my roommates that my eyes are only watering because my allergies, then I change the channel to Ninja Warrior. Truthfully, I cry like a little bitch every time I see people exchanging their vows.

Pffft.

If I really was crying, it’s because every time I see another fucking wedding, I just lose a little more hope for humanity. Why can’t people just choose to live out their miserable lives in solitude? I’ll never wish someone good luck on their marriage because I don’t even want to waste those two words – I’d rather save them for a person getting an AIDS test.

Furthermore, most people don’t even know what a nice wedding is anymore. Women are supposed to have some kind of fantasy ceremony that they have been dreaming about since birth. You know things have gone terribly wrong when you’re drinking Kool-Aid in your garage with an RV and Aunt Bertha is scarfing down the buffet in a blue velour jumpsuit.

How can these people be OK with this?

Speaking of weddings, super-dyke Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi got married this weekend. I’ve had a miniature crush on Portia since I first saw her in a shampoo commercial like 8 years ago. Needless to say, I was devastated when I found out she only eats clam sandwiches… Ellen’s clam sandwich nonetheless.

Ellen doesn’t make an attractive lesbian and her jokes are terrible. I can’t even say that she’s a man trapped in a woman’s body, because she doesn’t even have a woman’s body. She looks like an outgoing 19-year-old boy with a testosterone deficiency.

Why, Portia? Why?

And since this wouldn’t be Sidecarsally if I didn’t have some horrific wedding story, I’d like to humor you with a recent story from Michigan.

Andy Somora and Anna Pastuszwska got married on a Michigan beach on July 19th. Don’t even try to pronounce her last name, by the way. I spend 5 minutes trying to annunciate each syllable and got a tongue burn.

Andy and Anna, only hours before the impending chaos.

After the wedding (which was rained on the entire time), the couple and their friends/family held the reception at an art gallery. Later on, the police were called by the gallery owner after some of the guests got shit-faced and threw a lamp through a plate glass window.

When the cops showed up and told everyone to leave, Andy Somora got angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. He lunged at an officer while his new wife clung to him like a dingleberry sticking to an ass hair. The officer pulled out a taser gun and shocked both of their asses back to 1982.

Anna didn’t fall during the Cha-Cha Slide. That’s the face of a bitch who just got tasered and has no idea what the fuck is going on.

And now for the icing on the cake:

Anna and Andy spent the night apart in separate holding cells with random strangers. Sounds like an amazing honeymoon. Two nights later, police responded to a noise complaint and allegations that Andy had pushed his new wife. They were both arrested and tasered again for being uncooperative.

I like Andy and Anna – they have pizazz. If crazy stuff like this happened all the time, I would be so much more excited to go to weddings. I would go to weddings of people I don’t even know and spike the punch to instigate some fights. Who wants to be my accomplice?

Yesterday, someone tried to get all philosophical on me and asked what I think the most significant aspect of humanity is. Is it our ability to sympathize and help others when they are in need? Oh please. Maybe 1% or less of humans would even stop to help an old woman change her tire at the side of the road. The other 99% of people only help out because they think you will owe them a favor.

“Here you go Frank. So, can I fuck your wife tonight?”

I think the most profound facet of humanity is an uncanny ability to take anything out of context and add a sexual undertone to it. For instance, I previously wrote a story about a woman from Kentucky who complained that Wal-Mart was selling drinking straws shaped like penises. Wal-Mart claimed it was completely unintentional and pulled the straws from the shelves.

There is a Chinese athlete competing in the Olympics right now. His name is Dong Dong. I can’t help but think of two dicks every time I read or hear that name. Watch this…

Dong Dong.

Haha! See, I told you. You thought about two dicks, didn’t you? No? OK, moving on.

Disney recently decided not to market a pair of their “tween” panties because of a suggestive logo on the front. First of all, what the fuck is a tween? Apparently, it’s a person who is around the age of twelve but not quite a teen yet. I call that 100% pure fun. But seriously, a tween sounds more like a cross between a twat and a teen. Or would that be a tweent?

The Disney panties were supposed to be released in conjunction with the new movie “High School: The Musical 2,” but someone was smart enough to realize that it’s not a good idea to market panties to twelve-year-olds if “DIVE IN!” is printed on the front of them.

Hopefully nobody meant to create panties for little girls with an invitation to their vaginas plastered on the front, but you really have to wonder what the fuck people are thinking sometimes. This is the same reason that Scratch-N-Sniff panties were never released to the underage crowd.

Other failed underage panty slogans include:

“100% legal (in Thailand)”

“If you can read this, then you are probably breaking the law.”

“Shhh! I won’t tell… unless you piss me off.”

“Just pretend it’s not my first time.”