It’s the absolute worst nightmare that affects most young children; Having a sex dream about one of your parents. One minute you’re dreaming about banging a hot slut, and then you look up and it’s your mother on top of you - her tits buried in your face. Then things get a little weird. You wake up feeling awkward and you can’t look at your mom for a week. You wouldn’t dare tell your friends about the dream. Maybe you just ate something funny before bed because you sure as fuck don’t want to bang your mom… or do you?
The only thing worse than dreaming about incest is actually being a victim of it. Such is the case with a 2-year-old boy in Florida. Oops, it’s not Florida this time? West Virginia, maybe? Nope. Today’s story comes from Denver, Colorado. 31-year-old Alicia Lee is being charged with incest and sexual assault after sending a friend photos of her performing oral sex on her 2-year-old son. Oddly enough, no child pornography charges were filed.
Alicia Lee, professional baby fellator.
You know, for someone who doesn’t look half-bad like Alicia, it amazes me that she could be turned on by her own infant son. It really makes me question her taste in men. Apparently, Alicia was changing her son’s diaper when she became aroused and decided to put her mouth on the little tyke’s pecker. She snapped a few photos and then sent them to a friend, making note that her son seemed to enjoy the blowjob - he even giggled during it!
Like any normal person, the friend found this to be a little disgusting. They forwarded the pictures to the boy’s father, who forwarded them to the police. The child was sent to a foster home last month. I’m assuming the father was like, “I ain’t takin’ care of no son that gets blowies from his mama. That shit just ain’t right.”
The weirdest part about this story is the fact that Lee is currently released on bail. She will most likely - I mean hopefully - end up in prison, but she’s currently roaming free. I’d like to have a few words with the judge that grants even momentary freedom to women who suck the cocks of 2-year-old children.
I’d like to tell you about a famous blond actress who was arrested in California the other day for driving like a hopped-up hooker. But before I give away her name, I’m going to tell her story:
An old woman called police after noticing a 47-year-old sexy blond actress driving erratically. It started in the market parking lot. The actress was seen driving back and forth over a pair of sunglasses, over and over. She must have really hated how they weren’t big enough to hide the bags under her eyes. The bags seem to get a little bigger every passing year. But she’s still hot.
The actress took off after teaching those sunglasses a lesson, and was driving down the road like a woman, I mean “a maniac.” Oh, you get the fucking point. She got pulled over eventually and was arrested for driving under the influence of a controlled substance. In Heather’s case it- Ah, dammit, I gave it away! You were supposed to guess her name. I thought if someone told me that story, then I’d immediately be like “It’s Heather Locklear, isn’t it?”
Heather posted bail and drug tests haven’t been finished yet. I think when the test results come in, she will have been found to be abusing sexy pills.
Mmmm, Heather. This is the first time I’ve popped a boner while writing a story. Haha, just kidding, it’s definitely not the first time.
I’ve been messing around in Windows Movie Maker lately. Today, I thought I would make a PSA about why it’s not nice to mock retarded people in their own presence.
The pregnancy ads still manage to haunt my website. I don’t know where they’re coming from anymore because they don’t even seem to make sense. Check out this one:
Tell Pregnancy?
What the fuck does that even mean?
Tell someone that you’re pregnant? Tell who? Your mom? Grandma? Tell Jesus and pray that a miracle happens and he makes you fall down the stairs so you have a guilt-free miscarriage? Let me tell you, you’re still going to feel guilty if you pray to Jesus for a miscarriage and then actually have one.
Oh, and let’s not forget about this one:
“Find the widest variety of cancer on the web. Buy now!”
Some adult webcam ads or breast implant ads would be nice.
Cops are supposed to be fearless heroes that would climb up a flaming tree to save a chinchilla, right? Oops, that’s firemen. Cops, cops, cops. What the fuck is a cop anymore besides some douchetard with a badge waiting to arrest the next person that annoys them?
Back in the 70s, if you got pulled over for a DUI, sometimes the cops would put you in jail for the night and release you the next day. If you were close to home and not completely hammered, they would just follow you home to make sure you made it safely. Cops used to have respect for their fellow humans. They were decent people who didn’t sit on a high horse and cast judgment down on commonfolk. Too bad that’s not the case anymore. Nowadays, cops are more like senile old women that hate life and feel obliged to complain about everything.
Meet 34-year-old Jose Cruz. I couldn’t find a picture of him, so here’s a picture of a different man named Jose Cruz.
Jose’s unfortunate story would best be described by a nice little poem I wrote:
Jose Cruz, from West Virginia
Had some skills, quite like a ninja
He’s facing jail, it’s so retarded
Charged with battery when he farted
Driving home with no headlights
I never said Jose was bright
A little drunk, he got pulled over
The cop could tell he wasn’t sober
At the station, getting booked
Jose was treated like a crook
“I need to shit,” Jose mumbled
He sat there as his tummy grumbled
He ripped a fart, the smell was foul
Enough to make the drug dogs howl
It smelled like an abortion clinic
Jose laughed… the officer didn’t
Although it didn’t seem that large,
The cop tacked on a battery charge
The one thing you can learn from this:
Don’t ever fart in front of the pigs.
I know this sounds ridiculous, to be charged with battery for a simple fart, but have you ever smelled a 100% authentic Mexican fart? It’s HORRIBLE.
Have you ever opened up the newspaper to a giant headline that read something completely obvious?
The news doesn’t usually report on stuff that the general public already knows, so you can imagine my dismay when I saw at least 50 news websites reporting about Clay Aiken finally announcing that he’s gay. The first thing I thought was, “OMG CLAY AIKEN IS GAY? Who would’ve guessed?”
If you’re trying to imagine me actually saying that aloud, then insert very heavy sarcasm into the “Who would’ve guessed” part.
It’s time for an epic introduction. I paid legendary ring announcer Michael Buffer to do a voice-over and specially made this video. This is my first video attempt ever.
Whereas most of my news stories involving stupid fucks originate from Florida, it’s Oklahoma that claims the “Bad Parent State” title. Awhile back, I reported about a baby boy in Oklahoma that was eaten by the family dog after his mother passed out and left her son strapped into a swinging chair. Today’s story involves a luckier baby with an equally shitty mother.
Rose Adame, 32, was charged with child neglect yesterday after being arrested in late-June for letting her 3-year-old son wander aimlessly thru their apartment complex’s parking lot. Some of you are probably thinking, “That’s a little harsh. I was wandering around by myself when I was that young.” Yeah, and look how you turned out, you fucking degenerate.
Here’s how the whole thing went down:
Officer Cox:“Dispatch, Officer Dix and I are responding to a 417 in progress - wandering child. We have found the child and he’s holding a baby bottle with what appears to be beer in it.”
Officer Dix: (takes a sip from the bottle) “Yep, it’s beer alright. Woo, doggy! Mickey’s malt liquor. I wouldn’t give this shit to my dog, let alone one of my kids.”
The officers went to Rose’s apartment to inquire on why her son was wandering alone with beer in his bottle, but when they got there, she was too wasted to talk. She reportedly tried to grab the bottle from an officer and continue drinking. Man, that bitch knows how to party!
While paramedics were checking on her son, the drinking finally caught up to Rose and she became unresponsive and stopped breathing in the ambulance on her way to the hospital. I’m definitely not inviting this lady to my next party.
With women like Rose, who needs date rape drugs? Just take her to the $1 beer special night at the local pub and watch her demolish herself. She won’t even remember how she got home, let alone who the guy was that fucked her and then shit in her bed before bailing out the next morning. Ohh, the splendors of alcohol.
Back in the 80s, a sensational music group rocked the world with talent that is legendary to this day. Girls everywhere were going insane. They would trample and beat the fuck out of each other just to pick up a stray hair that fell from one of the singers’ heads. Teenage boys hated the group because their girlfriends would would accidentally moan, “Ohhh Donnie!” as they got fingered in the movie theater.
Who else would I be talking about, except for New Kids on the Block.
Why am I writing an article about the New Kids? Because they just performed a 3-day reunion concert in Toronto over the weekend. I came across some pretty exclusive photos, and I couldn’t believe how much homoerotic imagery was injected into the show.
Don’t get me wrong here. I’m actually a fan of the New Kids, but I used to despise them as a child. I had a babysitter who was obsessed with them. I remember being forced to sit on the couch, cuddled under her New Kids blanket next to her, watching live performances of the New Kids over and over. If I have any homosexual tendencies (which I don’t), I blame it on those nights. At least I got to touch her boobs a few times when she fell asleep.
I don’t really want to turn this into some kind of New Kids-bashing article, and I certainly don’t want to call the New Kids out on being gay because I know they aren’t. Well, except for Jonathan. He came out of the closet earlier this year.
Jonathan Knight, circled in pink for extra gay emphasis.
As a boy, I remember not even knowing what the word “homosexual” meant, but somehow I still knew that Jonathan Knight was one. A lot of girls disagreed with me, even after I would hold this picture in their face and scream at them, “HOW CAN YOU NOT BELIEVE ME?”
Yeah, this is a tough one.
You know who else used to wear the exact same outfit? Surely you remember WHAM.
Double confirmation.
Back to the recent New Kids concert, I was talking about the homoerotic imagery. Numerous pictures and videos show the guys in the band rubbing themselves, bending each other over, and gyrating their groins into the faces of little boys onstage. OK, I’ll admit that very last statement isn’t true.
Joey, dominating for top position.
I also noticed something strange about Jordan Knight. He always seemed to be making strange expressions.
It’s almost like he’s auditioning for a role in a movie…
All joking aside, I really have nothing bad to say about the New Kids. I admire the fact that they’re old as fuck but still have the ability to get onstage and perform without lip syncing like Britney Spears.
There is one more thing that has been bothering me though, and that’s the fact that I don’t remember Danny’s neck being the exact same thickness as his head.
Well, this is probably going to be one of my lesser cruel posts because it involves someone that I’m a fan of. No, it’s not your mom.
Travis Barker and DJ AM were on a small Learjet with four other people last night in South Carolina, when the plane crashed during takeoff. Air traffic controllers saw sparks coming from the plane, and it veered off the runway and crashed into an embankment on the side of a road.
Four of the six passengers perished in the flames and only Barker and DJ AM survived. They were both severely injured in the crash and are currently in critical care at a burn center in Augusta, Georgia - which is also the same city where Amanda Johnson tried selling her baby for crack last week.
Mother of the year.
Most of you know Travis Barker as the drummer from Blink 182 and The Transplants. If you’ve never heard of Travis or his bands, go find a gun and blow your fucking head off because you’re an idiot.
“I’m Travis Barker and I have a huge penis because I’m awesome.”
DJ AM, on the other hand, is lesser-known. He was in a band called Crazy Town. If you’ve never heard of Crazy Town, it’s probably a good thing because their music sounds like every living animal in the world taking a shit at the exact same time. DJ AM also dated Nicole Richie, who has notoriously terrible taste in men, so I hope he’s not too proud of that.
“I’m DJ AM. I was in Crazy Town and my penis isn’t as big as Travis Barker’s.”
Is it worthwhile to mention that a WOMAN was piloting the plane?
I really didn’t have time to write a story today. You should be OK though because it’s National Talk-Like-a-Pirate Day! This holiday ranks near the top of the “Fun Holiday” list - right below National Wash-Your-Socks Day, Feed-the-Ducks-at-the-Park Day, and Play-With-Your-Asshole-While-Nobody-Is-Looking Day. The last one is my favorite.
While on the subject though, here’s some little-known background information about pirates:
The word “Pirate” is derived from two Latin words - “Pi” and “Rate.” The translation for these two words is as follows:
Pi = Man, dude, or guy.
Rate = Raper or rapist.
So, the word “pirate” literally translates to “man raper,” or a person who rapes men. The original pirates were European men who were exiled for being caught in homosexual acts in public. They were cast out to sea on a small raft, but several of them found shelter on a tropical island and formed a subculture.
As the exiled pirates grew older and realized that anal sex between two men did not produce children to continue their legacy, they turned to violence and began raiding harbor villages and capturing women. Although they had sex with the women for breeding, the women did not mind because they were attracted to the pirates’ “bad boy” image. The lust, however, was not mutual because these pirates were strictly gay and could only achieve erection if another pirate was in the room. This story would explain their outfits and flamboyant behavior.
