It’s the absolute worst nightmare that affects most young children; Having a sex dream about one of your parents. One minute you’re dreaming about banging a hot slut, and then you look up and it’s your mother on top of you – her tits buried in your face. Then things get a little weird. You wake up feeling awkward and you can’t look at your mom for a week. You wouldn’t dare tell your friends about the dream. Maybe you just ate something funny before bed because you sure as fuck don’t want to bang your mom… or do you?

The only thing worse than dreaming about incest is actually being a victim of it. Such is the case with a 2-year-old boy in Florida. Oops, it’s not Florida this time? West Virginia, maybe? Nope. Today’s story comes from Denver, Colorado. 31-year-old Alicia Lee is being charged with incest and sexual assault after sending a friend photos of her performing oral sex on her 2-year-old son. Oddly enough, no child pornography charges were filed.

Alicia Lee, professional baby fellator.

You know, for someone who doesn’t look half-bad like Alicia, it amazes me that she could be turned on by her own infant son. It really makes me question her taste in men. Apparently, Alicia was changing her son’s diaper when she became aroused and decided to put her mouth on the little tyke’s pecker. She snapped a few photos and then sent them to a friend, making note that her son seemed to enjoy the blowjob – he even giggled during it!

Like any normal person, the friend found this to be a little disgusting. They forwarded the pictures to the boy’s father, who forwarded them to the police. The child was sent to a foster home last month. I’m assuming the father was like, “I ain’t takin’ care of no son that gets blowies from his mama. That shit just ain’t right.”

The weirdest part about this story is the fact that Lee is currently released on bail. She will most likely – I mean hopefully – end up in prison, but she’s currently roaming free. I’d like to have a few words with the judge that grants even momentary freedom to women who suck the cocks of 2-year-old children.

I’d like to tell you about a famous blond actress who was arrested in California the other day for driving like a hopped-up hooker. But before I give away her name, I’m going to tell her story:

An old woman called police after noticing a 47-year-old sexy blond actress driving erratically. It started in the market parking lot. The actress was seen driving back and forth over a pair of sunglasses, over and over. She must have really hated how they weren’t big enough to hide the bags under her eyes. The bags seem to get a little bigger every passing year. But she’s still hot.

The actress took off after teaching those sunglasses a lesson, and was driving down the road like a woman, I mean “a maniac.” Oh, you get the fucking point. She got pulled over eventually and was arrested for driving under the influence of a controlled substance. In Heather’s case it- Ah, dammit, I gave it away! You were supposed to guess her name. I thought if someone told me that story, then I’d immediately be like “It’s Heather Locklear, isn’t it?”

Heather posted bail and drug tests haven’t been finished yet. I think when the test results come in, she will have been found to be abusing sexy pills.

Mmmm, Heather. This is the first time I’ve popped a boner while writing a story. Haha, just kidding, it’s definitely not the first time.

I’ve been messing around in Windows Movie Maker lately. Today, I thought I would make a PSA about why it’s not nice to mock retarded people in their own presence.

More news tomorrow.

The pregnancy ads still manage to haunt my website. I don’t know where they’re coming from anymore because they don’t even seem to make sense. Check out this one:

Tell Pregnancy?

What the fuck does that even mean?

Tell someone that you’re pregnant? Tell who? Your mom? Grandma? Tell Jesus and pray that a miracle happens and he makes you fall down the stairs so you have a guilt-free miscarriage? Let me tell you, you’re still going to feel guilty if you pray to Jesus for a miscarriage and then actually have one.

Oh, and let’s not forget about this one:

“Find the widest variety of cancer on the web. Buy now!”

Some adult webcam ads or breast implant ads would be nice.

Cops are supposed to be fearless heroes that would climb up a flaming tree to save a chinchilla, right? Oops, that’s firemen. Cops, cops, cops. What the fuck is a cop anymore besides some douchetard with a badge waiting to arrest the next person that annoys them?

Back in the 70s, if you got pulled over for a DUI, sometimes the cops would put you in jail for the night and release you the next day. If you were close to home and not completely hammered, they would just follow you home to make sure you made it safely. Cops used to have respect for their fellow humans. They were decent people who didn’t sit on a high horse and cast judgment down on commonfolk. Too bad that’s not the case anymore. Nowadays, cops are more like senile old women that hate life and feel obliged to complain about everything.

Meet 34-year-old Jose Cruz. I couldn’t find a picture of him, so here’s a picture of a different man named Jose Cruz.

Jose’s unfortunate story would best be described by a nice little poem I wrote:

Jose Cruz, from West Virginia
Had some skills, quite like a ninja
He’s facing jail, it’s so retarded
Charged with battery when he farted

Although it didn’t seem that large,
The cop tacked on a battery charge
The one thing you can learn from this:
Don’t ever fart in front of the pigs.

I know this sounds ridiculous, to be charged with battery for a simple fart, but have you ever smelled a 100% authentic Mexican fart? It’s HORRIBLE.