There are a few dozen people in Australia that read this site and many of them have told me that I should report on more Australian news. Although “child attacked by crocodile,” or “man fucks kangaroo” sounds like perfect material for Sidecarsally, I figured this kind of shit happens all the time “down under.”

As it turns out, Australia actually has it’s fair share of interesting news, but it was one particular story that I was compelled to write about. It’s been awhile since I have went on a rant about someone who filed a frivolous lawsuit or complained about something stupid.

Like a mosquito bite on my nutsack, today’s story has me very irritated.

See? I’m irritated.

Maguire Pinner is a 6-year-old student in Melbourne, Australia. He also has a little potty mouth. After overhearing young Maguire saying, “fuck you” to a peer on the playground, his teacher decided the best punishment was to have him write an apology letter to his parents, explaining what he did wrong.

This is standard punishment in most elementary schools. What makes Maguire’s case unique is that his teacher actually made him write out the verbal insult that he shouted on the playground. The letter probably looked like this:

Since parents always act like irrational dicks when it comes to defending their children, Maguire’s folks were very offended by their son’s letter. The family filed a formal complaint with the school board, and Maguire’s dad, Kirk, had this to say:

“What teacher in their right mind could think it is acceptable to have a five-year-old write and correctly spell the F-word?”

Kirk, you dumb bastard, your kid is six-years-old. No wonder he’s running around screaming “fuck” on the playground. You don’t even know how old your own goddamn kid is. This is bad parenting. I wonder where he even learned the F-word in the first place. Hmmmmm…

Kirk claims that his son is “traumatized” and “having nightmares” since having to write that horrible apology letter. Pfft. If my son told me he was having nightmares because his teacher made him write an apology letter, I’d call him a pussy and put a dress on him. I’m having trouble even imagining what kind of weird nightmare that would be:

He’ll get over it.

Luckily, the school board is backing the teacher’s disciplinary actions. Still though, it’s parents like the Pinners that make me wish I could somehow magically reach inside their bodies and twist apart their reproductive organs. If this were 1958, Maguire would have been spanked, beaten with a rubber hose, and forced to eat a bar of soap. Then he would’ve grown up straight and made a positive impact in the world, instead of being the shletered little shit that he is now.

What we need is less complaining and more spankings – for the children, not for me. Although you can spank me too, if you’d like.