When cute animals attack
posted on September 5th, 2008 by Dustin at 11:07 am (EST) with 12 Comments
As if Australia doesn’t have enough problems with poisonous snakes and spiders, there is a new menace lurking the streets – wallabies.
Wallabies are vicious little bastards. One minute you’re admiring a family of them in your backyard, and the next minute your wife is dead and your house is on fire. Vicious, I tell you.
Saturday afternoon, Alwyn Bailey and his two sons – Morgan, age 9 and Bodine, age 6 – were hanging out in their yard. Morgan was feeding bread to horses, which is stupid because horses eat hay, not bread. A nearby wallaby was hiding in the shadows of the tall grass, leering at Morgan from afar. The wallaby also shares my dismay for feeding bread to a horse, so it decided to violently attack Morgan.
Alwyn ran to his son’s rescue and struck the animal twice in the face. Mr. Wallaby didn’t like that. He turned on Alwyn and made a fierce growl… or whatever kind of noise they make. For some reason, I picture a wallaby sounding like “Ooohooo caw!” Like an owl-crow. Do owl-crows even exist? I think they should.
The story gets better. Alwyn and Morgan Bailey had nowhere to go. The wallaby had them cornered and he was thirsting for blood. Cue the trumpets because here comes little 6-year-old Bodine with a stick! Bodine chased the animal away and returned to make sure his dad and older brother were OK.
Wow.
If my son told me he was nearly killed by a marsupial, I’d put some body glitter on him and tell him to go play with his Barbies. Alwyn is really pissed about this attack though. He’s been pushing for action to cull the wallaby population in his area by using violent force:
“Someone should get a gun and shoot the buggers. They’re not just friendly, cute little wallabies any more – they’re killers,” says Alwyn. [Actual quote]
How ’bout this, ya pussy: Take some self defense classes. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Rescued by a 6-year-old with a stick.
I’m starting to enjoy Australian news. Stay tuned for next week’s story, when Alwyn Bailey complains about the evil prairie dogs that keep his family awake at night.
12 Comments - Leave One!
Comments
Comment from Baby
Time September 5, 2008 at 11:42 am
I wanna play with barbies!!! D,=
Comment from Johnny
Time September 5, 2008 at 11:49 am
Hail the almighty owl-crows and body glitter!
Best article this week!
Comment from Cardboard Shell
Time September 5, 2008 at 12:27 pm
This article reminds me of that episode of Rocko’s Modern Life when Rocko beat the shit out of a kid and his dad.
Makes me nostalgic for my childhood.
Comment from Caitlin
Time September 5, 2008 at 1:15 pm
crowls.
Comment from blackhand
Time September 5, 2008 at 3:53 pm
omg reminds me of last week my friend and i where deer hunting(yes in the country 13 year olds can go shoot deers) and we shot at one and it climbed the fucking tree and bit my friend
we where bout 10 feet up and it was weird as shit.. we then shot it in the head and made deer jerky… thats really good!
Comment from blackhand
Time September 5, 2008 at 3:54 pm
rofl not to double post but my code is referi…. im calling off the wallaby fight because it jsut istn fair… 3 on 1???
Comment from Metal Mistress
Time September 5, 2008 at 9:04 pm
must have been bush
hahahahaha
we dont all have koalas and kangaroos in our yards. The most exciting animal i have had in my yard is a lizard…and it was dead. So thats what my yard is…a place to die.
I dont know why this dude is complaining, PUT UP A FRICKIN FENCE!
Comment from Lucy
Time September 6, 2008 at 3:09 am
DUDE LMFAO!!!!!!!!
Sidecarsally > School
Comment from Camila
Time September 6, 2008 at 4:14 am
lmfao
Lucy is right.
I rather read your site than watch the news/study for school, jaja.
I think the animals just feel the vibe from the people and are like, “I’m gonna murder this bastard for being so goddamn stupid”. Then, they attack and people wonder why. I think next time they should emphasize more on the person, than the animal, lol.
I don’t know if I made sense… Oh well.
Great story -thumbs up-
Keep it up.
Comment from Jim Gaudet
Time September 5, 2008 at 11:34 am
If my son told me he was nearly killed by a marsupial, I’d put some body glitter on him and tell him to go play with his Barbies
Just perfect. I added you to my RSS reader..