I don’t really like reporting on sports because sports bore the dick out of me, but today’s story hit me where it counts – right in the golf balls.

What does America do when it starts failing at something? We don’t try to better ourselves through hard work and determination; we blame other people for our inadequacies and then make up asinine laws to prevent better people from topping us. Such is the case with the LPGA.

This picture is very ironic. Read more to find out why.

I’m too lazy to double-check my facts right now, but I’m fairly certain that LPGA stands for “Ladies Professional Golf Association,” and not for “Lesbians Playing Golf Allthetime.” Even so, some of those “ladies” have bigger clits than my boner. Back to the story…

Many of today’s top LPGA athletes are not American. In fact, many of them speak very poor English or none at all. According to MSNBC.com, “a new LPGA policy says international players could face suspensions from the tour in 2010 if they can’t show a grasp of basic English skills needed to communicate with tournament sponsors, playing partners, and the media.”

Basically, too many foreigners were kicking our asses and earning top money-making spots in the league. Nobody could talk to them because they didn’t speak English, so instead of hiring translators, we’re just going to fuck them out of playing altogether. Amerrrrica! Amerrrrrica! God wipe your ass on theeeee.

Seriously, guys. Yes, this is America and most of us speak English, but it’s not the Ladies Professional Golf Association of America. Once again, I must come back to the lesbian thing, but hear me out:

I love lesbians. I have all their movies and I think about lesbians for about 9 hours a day, collectively. That said, I think it’s fairly obvious that they are jealous of all the foreign non-lesbos that have taken over their sport and are beating them like a drunken father.

It’s too bad we don’t have a World’s Biggest Asshole League because nobody could ever beat America in that. Trying to use language barriers as an excuse to exclude foreign women from destroying us at golf makes no sense. Nobody can understand the American LPGA players either because they always have their faces buried in snatch.

“Did somebody say snatch!?”