I’ve always had a problem with authority, mainly school officials though. You can have a problem with a cop, but keep it to yourself or you’ll get fucked. But if you have a problem with a school principal, tell him to eat your ass because he’s just a walking dick in a neck tie. I have no respect for these people.

I actually had a pretty sweet principal for a short time in elementary. His name was Mr. Bobcat, or something weird like that. One time in fourth grade, some tattling little bitch ratted me out for calling girls whores on the playground. I was like 8-years-old. All I knew was that “whore” was a bad name and that people didn’t like it when you called them one. Mr. Bobcat understood this. He took me into his office, laughed about the incident and then made me write 100 sentences: “I will not call people rude names.”

Mr. Bobcat ended up getting fired awhile later – probably for being too awesome to be a principal – and I learned absolutely nothing from my punishment. This is how life ought to be. Let people figure out the consequences for their words and actions on their own. You call a girl a whore and she’ll kick you in the nuts. Lesson learned. Fuck sentences and detention.

Hey, speaking of fired school officials, Christopher Gregory recently resigned from his job as superintendent of the Washtucna School District in Washington. Aside from having two first names, Chris also had a little secret that was uncovered by police during a routine traffic stop a few weeks ago.

Chris Gregory – my hero. Find out why below.

Chris Greg was driving home on August 23rd when a police officer noticed him swerve into a lane heading the opposite direction. While answering the officer’s questions, Chris appeared nervous. He hesitated when he was asked if he had any drugs in the car. Usually, I just answer this question, “No” right away. Chris, you idiot! Here’s how the rest of the conversation most likely went:

Officer: “So, do you have drugs in the car or not? You’re actin’ funny.”

Chris: “Umm, well I have a small amount of marijuana and a pipe that I confiscated from a student’s locker earlier this afternoo-”

Officer: (Draws gun) “Get out of the car, motherfucker!”

The officer searched the vehicle and found a bag of weed and a pipe, just like Chris said. That wasn’t all though. Here’s a list of all the other items that your typical school board superintendent usually carries:

1) Leather whips
2) Female clothing
3) Assorted sex toys (anal beads, dildos, etc.)
4) Condoms (at least he was being safe)
5) Creams (dick creams and clitoral stimulators)
6) My personal favorite: A shock collar

Hey, that kind of looks like my grocery list! Well, minus the female clothing and butt plugs.

Chris spent a day in jail and received a couple small fines, a year of non-reporting probation, and 40 hours of community service. He also resigned from his superintendent position about a week later. He’s pretty bummed out, but at least his dog still keeps him company.

I feel for you, Chris. If I were to open up a new school district, you’d be my first choice for superintendent and I’m not even joking. You’ve got sass and I like that. Some superintendents get piss drunk every night and beat the shit out of their families. You just like to get stoned and have kinky sex. The shock collar does seem a little questionable, but I won’t knock it ’til I try it later tonight.