Some of you reading this right now might have children. The rest of you are probably a bunch of nerds that will never get laid. Haha, sucks to be you. But if you have been cursed with the terminal disease of parenthood, this next story may concern you and your family.

Last week in northern suburbia Las Vegas, a first grader was sneaking out of school. Since the media can’t give away the names of children to protect their sweet asses from molesters, this particular first grader will be named Alfie Dingleberry.

This may very well be what little Aflie looks like. Probably not though.

It was early morning, and after eating school breakfast, Alfie wasn’t feeling so well. He decided not to tell anyone at school that he was leaving as he walked thru the front doors and began his journey home. He didn’t even make it off school property before a woman kidnapped him.

Kidnapper, Laurinda Drake. She actually kind of looks like my old roommate, Bill.

Laurinda may look like a bad transvestite, but she’s actually the mother of a different child that went to Alfie’s school. She noticed Alfie walking by himself and was outraged that the school would let a first grader walk home alone, so she took it upon herself to expose the school’s lack of child safety. Her plan was to take Alfie to the School District building and turn him over, explaining that it’s far too easy to kidnap kids these days. Yeah, genius fucking idea.

Her child safety awareness plan quickly turned to kidnapping once Laurinda decided to make several pitstops before turning Alfie in to the School District – one of those stops was Wal-Mart. I guess those paper plates and Doritos couldn’t wait. Laurinda then drove to her friend Elaine Clermont’s house. For some insane reason, Elaine was OK with the whole ordeal, so they arranged for the local media to meet them at the School District building.

Elaine was very proud to have her mugshot taken. This is the face I make whenever someone asks me if I’d like a freshly grilled hamburger.

When the two women arrived with Alfie at the School District building, the police were already waiting for them. They were booked at the North Las Vegas Jail on first degree kidnapping charges. It was a classic backfiring of plans.

This is yet another example of why people just need to mind their own fuckin’ business. You don’t point out security flaws in a school by bringing a gun into the office and wave it around screaming, “You see how easy it is to bring a gun in here?! Anyone can do this!” And you certainly don’t show a careless drunk girl how easily she can get raped by putting some GHB in her vodka Redbull while she isn’t looking.

Congratulations, Laurinda and Elaine. You made the news! You also just notified every pedophile in the area how easy it is to kidnap a kid from the Jo Mackey Elementary school in Las Vegas.

In other news, several local Las Vegas churches have reported that their priests didn’t show up for mass this morning…