There are several different levels of desperation when a person has no money and the bills keep adding up. Here’s how it usually goes for me:

Level 1 (Slightly broke): Buy rolling tobacco instead of Marlboro cigarettes.

Level 2: Return empty cans and bottles for the deposit money.

Level 3 (Moderately broke): Stop eating. Look for money underneath couch cushions.

Level 4: Sell personal items, such as DVDs and clothes.

Level 5 (Very broke): Borrow/steal money. File bankruptcy.

Level 6: Panhandling. Mugging old women.

Level 7 (Hopelessly broke): Giving blowjobs.

Luckily I haven’t reached Level 7 on the broke chart yet. It will be a sad, humiliating day when I do. If it ever got that bad for me, I’d be fucked because typical men can’t really get money for sex. I’d have to be willing to swallow a load for a few dollars because to be a real gigolo and not just a knob licker, a man must be extremely attractive and hung like a whale.

Whales are hung like a man; 6 feet 3 inches. Try stuffin’ that up your ass.

Women, on the other hand, can exploit their vaginas like a child worker in a sweatshop. Men are pigs and can’t get enough of that magical little critter between a woman’s legs. 22-year-old Natalie Dylan is well aware of this.

Natalie has some school loan debt to pay off, but is too fucking stupid to get a goddamn job like the rest of us. She is, however, a self-proclaimed capitalist bursting with bright ideas. It has been announced on the Howard Stern Show that Natalie will auction off her virginity to pay for her school debt. My first thought was, “This girl better be hot, or there’s no way I would even consider placing a bid.”

Holy horsecunt! A lot better than I was hoping for, actually.

Waaaaait a second. This girl? A virgin? Her anus maybe. You can’t always judge a book by its cover though – even if the book looks like a slut – so maybe Natalie Dylan just looks like a slut. Let’s see what she had to say about why she would go 22 years without sex and then auction her viginity to a total stranger:

“I don’t have a moral dilemma with it. We live in a capitalist society. Why shouldn’t I be allowed to capitalize on my virginity?”

Wow, spoken like a true virgin.

And who is representing Natalie on her mission to get fucked? None other than Nevada brothel owner Dennis Hof – owner of “America’s Favorite Little Whorehouse.” The highest bidder will claim his prize and deflower Natalie at the whorehouse. Romantic, huh?

Left to right: Natalie, Dennis Hof, Tits McGee

If there was any truth behind this publicity stunt up until now, it’s about to be smashed. Behold the girl on the right in the picture above. That’s Natalie’s sister, Avil. She is a prostitute at the very same whorehouse that Natalie will lose her virginity.

It’s time for a real-life mathematical equation:

22-year-old attractive virgin girl – any kind of morals or self respect + whorehouse connections + prostitute sister + Howard Stern = BULLSHIT

I’m still going to keep an eye on the auction though. If the highest bid doesn’t go over $14, I’m totally in, virgin or not.