Almost everyone remembers that one kid in middle school who could somehow grow a beard since he was 10-years-old. My old buddy Joe was that kid at my school. I remember he started balding and had ass crack hair when he was twelve. It’s not that I was checking out his crack – he just always wore baggy pants. That was back in the “gangsta is cool” phase of male puberty. It strikes most men around the age of fourteen.

I was always jealous of Joe and his goatee. By the time I was 15-years-old, I had some wispy tufts of armpit hair but Joe had a full-blown neck beard. And he didn’t shave it either. He knew it was cool to be more mature-looking and not just some pubeless dingleberry like me. So, I plotted to kill him.

Just kidding. All that pube envy finally caught up to me when I was eighteen. Every time I shaved, the beard hairs seemed to be filling in thick and fast. It didn’t stop there either, let me tell you. Wait, no, I won’t tell you. Just imagine what a bird’s nest looks like – that was my asshole. Nowadays, I can grow a beard that would make a lumberjack stare at me and wish I was his son.

This picture just screams of manliness.

A lot of people blame the early-maturation phenomenon on the growth hormones in beef. It’s getting harder to differentiate between the students and the faculty. Is that Mr. Johnson, the chemistry teacher? Oh nope, it’s just freshman Larry Hughes. He looks older from eating all those mutant chickens from KFC.

Some people are starting to take advantage of the early-maturation phenomenon in schools. People like 33-year-old Wendy Brown. Wendy lives in Green Bay, but her 15-year-old daughter lives in Nevada. After seeing how much fun her daughter was having on Myspace and Facebook, Wendy was envious:

“I wish I wouldn’t have pissed away my high school years. I think I’ll register at the local high school under my daughter’s name and sign up for the cheerleading team too.”

FAIL.

Wendy isn’t the brightest identity theif. First of all, if you’re a 33-year-old pretending to be your teenager daughter, it would probably be best to hang out with the special ed kids if you actually look in your thirties. Quite often, tards appear to be advanced in age, but not in brains. The tard class would have provided Wendy with protection from the suspicious liaison officer who eventually uncovered the truth.

Wendy was arrested a week later on felony identity theft and is facing up to six years in prison and $10,000 in fines. Personally, I don’t think the punishment is strict enough. Today’s schools already have a terrible overpopulation of unattractive, awkward teenage girls with low self esteem. We really don’t need people like Wendy Brown adding to the “ugly problem” in our schools.

It is worthwhile to mention that Wendy Brown did make it into the cheerleading program at school, before being arrested. The coaches agreed that Wendy looked older than she claimed, but her childlike demeanor made it acceptable. Apparently the kind of women that end up becoming cheerleader coaches aren’t the brightest crayons in the box, either. Who woulda guessed?

Just because they make movies about old people pretending to be in high school doesn’t mean you should try it in real life.

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