The most embarassing type of mishaps are sexual mishaps. Think about it. Do you think Richard Gere was expecting that frozen gerbil to come alive when he shoved it up his asshole? Imagine the humiliation when he walked into the emergency room and said, “I’m Richard Gere. I starred in ‘Pretty Woman’ with Julia Roberts, and right now… God, I can’t believe I’m saying this – I have a gerbil stuck up my ass.“

Richard Gere stars in “The Gerbilman Prophecies.”

A 14-year-old boy in India, who we’ll call “Hadji,” had an embarrassing moment of his own recently, when doctors removed a 2cm fish from his wee wee. The fish had entered Hadji’s urethra (peehole) and worked its way up into his bladder. Within 24 hours, Hadji went to the hospital with complaints of urinary pain and difficulty.

We’ve all heard stories about the tiny parasitic fish in the Amazon River that can swim up your urethra if you pee underwater, but Hadji’s story was much less plausible. He obviously hadn’t fully fabricated a giant lie to cover up how he ended up with “fishcock,” but this is apparently what happened:

Hadji was cleaning his fish tank and scooped one of the tiny fish out of the tank with his hand. While still holding the fish, Hadji decided that he needed to take a piss. With the fish still in his hand, he walked into the bathroom and started urinating. The fish must have been excited because it slipped out of Hadji’s hand and somehow fell directly into his penis.

Um, no.

First of all, who the fuck would even believe something this ridiculous? Is it normal in India to urinate while holding a live fish in your hand?

You can’t drop a fish into the tip of your penis unless you were pissing straight up at your own face. That entire story is a lie, but I don’t blame Hadji for being embarrassed and hiding the truth. I have prepared a truthful explanation on his behalf:

“What can I say? I got bored with normal masturbation. I thought the fish would give me a good feeling, and it worked… until he went up into my bladder. I’m embarrassed that people found out about this and I definitely learned my lesson. Now, if we could all keep quiet about this and just consider it teenage curiosity, I’d be very grateful. Thank you.”

The story has a happy ending though. The fish was removed via surgery and Hadji was provided with counseling “to help him overcome any trauma.” Let’s just hope other kids learn a lesson from Hadji’s experience: Don’t shove things up your dickholes! It is never, ever, ever a good idea.

“Hmmm, I wonder how this would feel up there.”