By now, most of you know that I have a profound hatred for Oprah Winfrey. She is responsible for Dr. Phil’s fame, which is one of my biggest problems with her, but even more annoying is how often she brags about losing weight – only to gain it all back a year later.

Oprah likes to shed a few pounds and then show off her “new body” to an applauding studio. Afterwards, she buys her entire audience new cars as thanks for being stupid enough to actually attend her show. I wish I could buy all of my readers nice gifts, but most of you guys don’t deserve anything except a pile of feces on your pillows.

My gift to you all. Thanks for reading.

It has been recently reported that Oprah has gained nearly 100 pounds in the past year or so. That’s like 1.3 anorexic cheerleaders just stapled to her ass.

National Enquirer: The most reliable news source ever.

This morning, the radio announced that Oprah could weigh as much as 260 pounds now and blamed the eating frenzy on a recent relationship breakup. It’s too bad most people don’t stop eating when they get depressed, because I’d probably bone a skinny Oprah if I was desperate enough. It would be that I-hate-you kind of sex though.

Like most people that inexplicably gain insane amounts of weight quickly, Oprah contributes her weight gain on medical problems. Apparently, she has a thyroid condition of which there is no cure for. Actually, Oprah, there is a cure for that: A bullet spraying your brains into that half-gallon tub of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. End this madness before your producers have to carry you onto the set with a forklift.

Oprah and Jabba the Hut’s lovechild. Oh wait, it’s actually just Oprah.

Oprah: “I urge all of you to reach out to Africa and help save the starving children. Every donation you send means so much to these childre- oops, one second, there’s someone at my door.”

Pizza man: “Holy shit, Oprah!?”

Oprah: “Yup, that’s me. What’s the damage, sir? I’m starving.”

Pizza man: “Twenty-seven large pizzas with every topping and crushed Oreo cookies on top. That’ll be $270.”