I’d like to tell you about a famous blond actress who was arrested in California the other day for driving like a hopped-up hooker. But before I give away her name, I’m going to tell her story:

An old woman called police after noticing a 47-year-old sexy blond actress driving erratically. It started in the market parking lot. The actress was seen driving back and forth over a pair of sunglasses, over and over. She must have really hated how they weren’t big enough to hide the bags under her eyes. The bags seem to get a little bigger every passing year. But she’s still hot.

The actress took off after teaching those sunglasses a lesson, and was driving down the road like a woman, I mean “a maniac.” Oh, you get the fucking point. She got pulled over eventually and was arrested for driving under the influence of a controlled substance. In Heather’s case it- Ah, dammit, I gave it away! You were supposed to guess her name. I thought if someone told me that story, then I’d immediately be like “It’s Heather Locklear, isn’t it?”

Heather posted bail and drug tests haven’t been finished yet. I think when the test results come in, she will have been found to be abusing sexy pills.

Mmmm, Heather. This is the first time I’ve popped a boner while writing a story. Haha, just kidding, it’s definitely not the first time.