Have you ever opened up the newspaper to a giant headline that read something completely obvious?

The news doesn’t usually report on stuff that the general public already knows, so you can imagine my dismay when I saw at least 50 news websites reporting about Clay Aiken finally announcing that he’s gay. The first thing I thought was, “OMG CLAY AIKEN IS GAY? Who would’ve guessed?”

If you’re trying to imagine me actually saying that aloud, then insert very heavy sarcasm into the “Who would’ve guessed” part.

It’s time for an epic introduction. I paid legendary ring announcer Michael Buffer to do a voice-over and specially made this video. This is my first video attempt ever.

(cue the lightshow)

Yeah, I do a shitty Michael Buffer impersonation. Fuck you.

Whereas most of my news stories involving stupid fucks originate from Florida, it’s Oklahoma that claims the “Bad Parent State” title. Awhile back, I reported about a baby boy in Oklahoma that was eaten by the family dog after his mother passed out and left her son strapped into a swinging chair. Today’s story involves a luckier baby with an equally shitty mother.

Rose Adame, 32, was charged with child neglect yesterday after being arrested in late-June for letting her 3-year-old son wander aimlessly thru their apartment complex’s parking lot. Some of you are probably thinking, “That’s a little harsh. I was wandering around by myself when I was that young.” Yeah, and look how you turned out, you fucking degenerate.

Here’s how the whole thing went down:

Officer Cox: “Dispatch, Officer Dix and I are responding to a 417 in progress – wandering child. We have found the child and he’s holding a baby bottle with what appears to be beer in it.”

Officer Dix: (takes a sip from the bottle) “Yep, it’s beer alright. Woo, doggy! Mickey’s malt liquor. I wouldn’t give this shit to my dog, let alone one of my kids.”

The officers went to Rose’s apartment to inquire on why her son was wandering alone with beer in his bottle, but when they got there, she was too wasted to talk. She reportedly tried to grab the bottle from an officer and continue drinking. Man, that bitch knows how to party!

While paramedics were checking on her son, the drinking finally caught up to Rose and she became unresponsive and stopped breathing in the ambulance on her way to the hospital. I’m definitely not inviting this lady to my next party.

With women like Rose, who needs date rape drugs? Just take her to the $1 beer special night at the local pub and watch her demolish herself. She won’t even remember how she got home, let alone who the guy was that fucked her and then shit in her bed before bailing out the next morning. Ohh, the splendors of alcohol.

“Who the hell shits that much? Seriously.“

Back in the 80s, a sensational music group rocked the world with talent that is legendary to this day. Girls everywhere were going insane. They would trample and beat the fuck out of each other just to pick up a stray hair that fell from one of the singers’ heads. Teenage boys hated the group because their girlfriends would would accidentally moan, “Ohhh Donnie!” as they got fingered in the movie theater.

Who else would I be talking about, except for New Kids on the Block.

Why am I writing an article about the New Kids? Because they just performed a 3-day reunion concert in Toronto over the weekend. I came across some pretty exclusive photos, and I couldn’t believe how much homoerotic imagery was injected into the show.

Don’t get me wrong here. I’m actually a fan of the New Kids, but I used to despise them as a child. I had a babysitter who was obsessed with them. I remember being forced to sit on the couch, cuddled under her New Kids blanket next to her, watching live performances of the New Kids over and over. If I have any homosexual tendencies (which I don’t), I blame it on those nights. At least I got to touch her boobs a few times when she fell asleep.

I don’t really want to turn this into some kind of New Kids-bashing article, and I certainly don’t want to call the New Kids out on being gay because I know they aren’t. Well, except for Jonathan. He came out of the closet earlier this year.

Jonathan Knight, circled in pink for extra gay emphasis.

As a boy, I remember not even knowing what the word “homosexual” meant, but somehow I still knew that Jonathan Knight was one. A lot of girls disagreed with me, even after I would hold this picture in their face and scream at them, “HOW CAN YOU NOT BELIEVE ME?”

Yeah, this is a tough one.

You know who else used to wear the exact same outfit? Surely you remember WHAM.

Double confirmation.

Back to the recent New Kids concert, I was talking about the homoerotic imagery. Numerous pictures and videos show the guys in the band rubbing themselves, bending each other over, and gyrating their groins into the faces of little boys onstage. OK, I’ll admit that very last statement isn’t true.

Joey, dominating for top position.

I also noticed something strange about Jordan Knight. He always seemed to be making strange expressions.

It’s almost like he’s auditioning for a role in a movie…

All joking aside, I really have nothing bad to say about the New Kids. I admire the fact that they’re old as fuck but still have the ability to get onstage and perform without lip syncing like Britney Spears.

There is one more thing that has been bothering me though, and that’s the fact that I don’t remember Danny’s neck being the exact same thickness as his head.

Well, this is probably going to be one of my lesser cruel posts because it involves someone that I’m a fan of. No, it’s not your mom.

Travis Barker and DJ AM were on a small Learjet with four other people last night in South Carolina, when the plane crashed during takeoff. Air traffic controllers saw sparks coming from the plane, and it veered off the runway and crashed into an embankment on the side of a road.

Four of the six passengers perished in the flames and only Barker and DJ AM survived. They were both severely injured in the crash and are currently in critical care at a burn center in Augusta, Georgia – which is also the same city where Amanda Johnson tried selling her baby for crack last week.

Mother of the year.

Most of you know Travis Barker as the drummer from Blink 182 and The Transplants. If you’ve never heard of Travis or his bands, go find a gun and blow your fucking head off because you’re an idiot.

“I’m Travis Barker and I have a huge penis because I’m awesome.”

DJ AM, on the other hand, is lesser-known. He was in a band called Crazy Town. If you’ve never heard of Crazy Town, it’s probably a good thing because their music sounds like every living animal in the world taking a shit at the exact same time. DJ AM also dated Nicole Richie, who has notoriously terrible taste in men, so I hope he’s not too proud of that.

“I’m DJ AM. I was in Crazy Town and my penis isn’t as big as Travis Barker’s.”

Is it worthwhile to mention that a WOMAN was piloting the plane?

I really didn’t have time to write a story today. You should be OK though because it’s National Talk-Like-a-Pirate Day! This holiday ranks near the top of the “Fun Holiday” list – right below National Wash-Your-Socks Day, Feed-the-Ducks-at-the-Park Day, and Play-With-Your-Asshole-While-Nobody-Is-Looking Day. The last one is my favorite.

While on the subject though, here’s some little-known background information about pirates:

The word “Pirate” is derived from two Latin words – “Pi” and “Rate.” The translation for these two words is as follows:

Pi = Man, dude, or guy.
Rate = Raper or rapist.

So, the word “pirate” literally translates to “man raper,” or a person who rapes men. The original pirates were European men who were exiled for being caught in homosexual acts in public. They were cast out to sea on a small raft, but several of them found shelter on a tropical island and formed a subculture.

As the exiled pirates grew older and realized that anal sex between two men did not produce children to continue their legacy, they turned to violence and began raiding harbor villages and capturing women. Although they had sex with the women for breeding, the women did not mind because they were attracted to the pirates’ “bad boy” image. The lust, however, was not mutual because these pirates were strictly gay and could only achieve erection if another pirate was in the room. This story would explain their outfits and flamboyant behavior.

I hope you all learned something today.