As if the people in Florida weren’t out of their fucking minds already, the cops and judges in Florida are apparently gigantic assholes too. Last week, a teenager was riding his bicycle down the street when an officer noticed his pants were sagged 4 to 5 inches below his boxers.

Officer Asshat: “Well, I’ll be dipped. It’s a teenage boy doin’ that ’sag thing’ to his pants. You know, I haven’t been a colossal prick to anyone today. I think I’ll cornhole this little bastard for havin’ his ass hangin’ out. Hey boy! Didn’t your mama teach you how to wear a belt?”

“Dis is how we be wearin’ our shit now. We gangstas.”

The 17-year-old teen spent a night in jail for violating Riviera Beach’s law that bans sagging pants. Yeah, that’s right, the town has a law banning a certain fashion trend. If this happened to me, I wouldn’t even believe I was in America. Curiously, popped collar and extremely-gelled hair bans have not been put in place anywhere yet.

“I sentence you all to 10 years in prison for 1st degree douchebaggery.”

Judge Paul Moyle heard the teen’s case and declared the fashion law unconstitutional, but didn’t drop his charges.

Paul Moyle: “Well, I agree this law interferes with freedom of expression, but I’m gonna keep the charges against this kid for sagging his pants. I’ll see you on October 5th, when I sentence you for a crime I just declared unconstitutional.”

Jesus fucking shit! What the fuck is wrong with America? How can any of this seem normal to people? Congratulations Florida, for making me so angry that I couldn’t even finish a story for the first time ever.

By now, most of you know that I have a profound hatred for Oprah Winfrey. She is responsible for Dr. Phil’s fame, which is one of my biggest problems with her, but even more annoying is how often she brags about losing weight – only to gain it all back a year later.

Oprah likes to shed a few pounds and then show off her “new body” to an applauding studio. Afterwards, she buys her entire audience new cars as thanks for being stupid enough to actually attend her show. I wish I could buy all of my readers nice gifts, but most of you guys don’t deserve anything except a pile of feces on your pillows.

My gift to you all. Thanks for reading.

It has been recently reported that Oprah has gained nearly 100 pounds in the past year or so. That’s like 1.3 anorexic cheerleaders just stapled to her ass.

National Enquirer: The most reliable news source ever.

This morning, the radio announced that Oprah could weigh as much as 260 pounds now and blamed the eating frenzy on a recent relationship breakup. It’s too bad most people don’t stop eating when they get depressed, because I’d probably bone a skinny Oprah if I was desperate enough. It would be that I-hate-you kind of sex though.

Like most people that inexplicably gain insane amounts of weight quickly, Oprah contributes her weight gain on medical problems. Apparently, she has a thyroid condition of which there is no cure for. Actually, Oprah, there is a cure for that: A bullet spraying your brains into that half-gallon tub of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. End this madness before your producers have to carry you onto the set with a forklift.

Oprah and Jabba the Hut’s lovechild. Oh wait, it’s actually just Oprah.

Oprah: “I urge all of you to reach out to Africa and help save the starving children. Every donation you send means so much to these childre- oops, one second, there’s someone at my door.”

Pizza man: “Holy shit, Oprah!?”

Oprah: “Yup, that’s me. What’s the damage, sir? I’m starving.”

Pizza man: “Twenty-seven large pizzas with every topping and crushed Oreo cookies on top. That’ll be $270.”

I thought I would take a crack at making some of those “motivational posters,” but people kept saying mine were terrible.

“Your posters don’t even have a point or a lesson. It’s just gibberish,” they said.

Well, fuck you guys. Maybe somebody out there is smart enough to understand the meaning behind my work. Once you do, it will change the way you look at polar bears forever.

Over 15,000 cannabis plants were ripped from the ground on Tuesday in Sweden. The giant field was discovered by police, but they have yet to determine whether they were just pussy hemp plants or some serious sticky icky chronic.

I can’t caption this photo because I’m too busy crying.

The police had to call in a landscaping company to help them remove the plants. Too bad this wasn’t in America because the landscapers would’ve been Mexican and I could’ve most likely bought some of that weed off them today.

Police are also not sure if the cannabis field was cared for by anyone, or if it was natural. 15,000 cannabis plants in a natural field? That’s called heaven, which doesn’t exist. So right now, two really pissed off growers are watching the news and thinking, “FUCK.”

“And all they left us was this broken bottle, man.”

Edit: I hate to change the title because I realized “Swiss” is actually Switzerland, not Sweden.

The most embarassing type of mishaps are sexual mishaps. Think about it. Do you think Richard Gere was expecting that frozen gerbil to come alive when he shoved it up his asshole? Imagine the humiliation when he walked into the emergency room and said, “I’m Richard Gere. I starred in ‘Pretty Woman’ with Julia Roberts, and right now… God, I can’t believe I’m saying this – I have a gerbil stuck up my ass.“

Richard Gere stars in “The Gerbilman Prophecies.”

A 14-year-old boy in India, who we’ll call “Hadji,” had an embarrassing moment of his own recently, when doctors removed a 2cm fish from his wee wee. The fish had entered Hadji’s urethra (peehole) and worked its way up into his bladder. Within 24 hours, Hadji went to the hospital with complaints of urinary pain and difficulty.

We’ve all heard stories about the tiny parasitic fish in the Amazon River that can swim up your urethra if you pee underwater, but Hadji’s story was much less plausible. He obviously hadn’t fully fabricated a giant lie to cover up how he ended up with “fishcock,” but this is apparently what happened:

Hadji was cleaning his fish tank and scooped one of the tiny fish out of the tank with his hand. While still holding the fish, Hadji decided that he needed to take a piss. With the fish still in his hand, he walked into the bathroom and started urinating. The fish must have been excited because it slipped out of Hadji’s hand and somehow fell directly into his penis.

Um, no.

First of all, who the fuck would even believe something this ridiculous? Is it normal in India to urinate while holding a live fish in your hand?

You can’t drop a fish into the tip of your penis unless you were pissing straight up at your own face. That entire story is a lie, but I don’t blame Hadji for being embarrassed and hiding the truth. I have prepared a truthful explanation on his behalf:

“What can I say? I got bored with normal masturbation. I thought the fish would give me a good feeling, and it worked… until he went up into my bladder. I’m embarrassed that people found out about this and I definitely learned my lesson. Now, if we could all keep quiet about this and just consider it teenage curiosity, I’d be very grateful. Thank you.”

The story has a happy ending though. The fish was removed via surgery and Hadji was provided with counseling “to help him overcome any trauma.” Let’s just hope other kids learn a lesson from Hadji’s experience: Don’t shove things up your dickholes! It is never, ever, ever a good idea.

“Hmmm, I wonder how this would feel up there.”