As an American citizen, I have to constantly remind myself that not everyone in Canada is nicer and smarter than me. Canada has a much lesser population than America, so the evidence of inbreeding there isn’t as noticeable as in, say, the Southeastern United States. Don’t be fooled. Canada is a fantastic country, but there are still some cousin-fuckers around. Take the city of Kitchener, for example:
Friday night, two men were taken to the hospital after an explosion occurred at their auto shop in Kitchener, Ontario. The men were removing a rusty bolt from a car’s gas tank when the fire ignited.
Removing a bolt from a gas tank is a standard procedure when you’re a mechanic. So where did the men go wrong? I’d say right about they time they decided to use a cutting torch on the bolt that was attached to a leaky gas tank, sitting right next to an additional bucket of fuel. This has FAIL written all over it.
“Now this here’s a great idear.”
Fuel underneath the car caught on fire when red-hot metal scraps fell from the bolt. In turn, a nearby bucket of fuel was also set ablaze, causing an explosion that injured both men. They escaped with only 2nd degree burns, but this ingenious stunt has branded “FUCKTARD” permanently on their foreheads.
First of all, I’d like to thank the two people so far that have donated to Sidecarsally: Don and Ryan. My friend Bob also donated a whopping 69 cents, but Paypal’s transfer fee ended up costing me a dollar after the transaction. But basically, I’m able to sit in my room and write more stories because of Ryan and Don’s generous donations. To show my thanks, I made this picture to show the world what Ryan and Don’s spirits would be if they were anthropomorphized.
Here, we can clearly see that Don is a majestic lion, and Ryan is a badass flying shark.
If you are feeling generous, you can send me some money via Paypal by clicking the button below. You also have my word that this money is strictly going towards helping me survive, and not to feed any kind of drug or sex addiction.
Sometimes, I feel like someone should just write a book about my life and title it “The Awful Life and Times of Sidecarsally.”
Today has not been a good day for me. The morning started out normal; I drove to work, stopped at the gas station for a 5-Hour Energy drink, and was 3 minutes late (as usual). My boss approached me shortly after I took a seat at my cubicle - the same way I have every weekday for the past two and a half years.
“Dustin, can you please come into my office,” he said.
Now, I’ve been having this surreal feeling of impending doom for about a month now. Anxiety has placed this weird pressure on my heart and I often feel like I’m going crazy for feeling like this for no reason. Well, now that sense of doom has finally manifested itself above my head in the shape of a diarrhea-filled cloud. I was fired today, and if I don’t find a well-paying job within the next week, I am fucked.
I entered my boss’s office and he asked me to close the door. This is rarely a good thing. If your boss asks you to close the door after requesting a meeting with you, unless you’re getting a raise, it’s bad news. And that’s the first thing he said to me. He just came right out with it.
“Dustin, I’ve got some bad news. You’re fired. I’m not angry at you, but I’m disappointed. Repeatedly, I’ve asked you to work overtime, but you have only worked the minimal 40 hours week after week.”
Mind you, I’m salaried and do not get paid for overtime. There was also no real need for me to work overtime.
“OK” was literally all that I said as my brain tried to deal with the “Oh shit, ohhh shit” feeling that your body gets when you just hear something very bad. I found it unbelievable that I was fired, of all people. Only a month ago, I heard about an employee who was caught looking at porn during work hours. That person never got fired, but I did.
The real truth is that I have been working a pointless, waste-of-time job for over two years. I was a tester for a medical software company. My boss simply couldn’t justify paying the salary of a software tester anymore after our newest release was shipped. Basically, I was hired, performed my job well, and was put down like a rabid bitch when my services were no longer needed.
I really hope to continue Sidecarsally, but I could use help from everyone. As much as I’d like to say “I can get out of this all on my own,” it’s more complicated because I’m now in a position of relying on others. I’m putting a Paypal donation link at the bottom of this post. If you have a Paypal account, think of it as a one-time voluntary subscription fee that will only ever apply when I’m hopelessly desperate for money.
Even more than money, I’m interested in jobs. I’d really like to start writing for a living, so if any of you have connections that could help me land a phone interview or anything, please let me know.
Well, I’m back from my little hiatus, and I feel like a million dicks… err, dollars. I decided to go to Los Angeles. The Hollywood Hills area, to be exact. California was a totally new experience for me because I had never been out West before. I had more fun than a midget at a petting zoo!
This has nothing to do with a petting zoo. I just like talking about midgets.
The first exciting thing I found in Hollywood was discovered on a walk to the local 7-Eleven. It was a vomit-covered reclining chair, sitting on the side of the road at the end of this tunnel:
The puke looked like someone ate a bunch of hot dogs, red kool-aid, and feces.
Oh wait! How could I forget about the abandoned panties that were hanging on the fence, just before the tunnel?
Mmmm.
OK, let’s rewind for a second.
I decided to give you guys the full experience of these discoveries, so I went to Google’s Street View and looked up the exact locations I was at.
If you were approaching the tunnel from the side the vomit chair was on, then it would look exactly like this:
Obviously, the vomit chair wasn’t in Google’s pictures. So I added one in Photoshop.
Going through the tunnel was like walking into the deadlights. I was expecting St. Peter to be at the end, ready to see me and say, “You better turn around right now buddy. Have fun in Hell.” If you look closely at the picture, I circled a lost soul being ushered into eternity. Lucky bastard.
If we look even closer, we can see that it’s actually not a lost soul. It’s a prostitute who was also turned away by St. Peter. Weird shit like this is common in Hollywood.
Sucks to be you! Get it? She’s a hooker.
Once outside of the tunnel, you come to this little 3-way intersection. I like 3-ways, hehe. I drew an arrow to where the panties were:
Street View’s pictures don’t go any further up Ivar Ave., but if you zoom in, you can clearly see the exact place where the panties were hanging for at least four days:
Hepatitis: You’ve got it!
Later on, I went hiking at Runyan Canyon in Hollywood. I thought I was going to die, but I made it to the top and took this awesome picture of the city. Well, it would’ve been awesome, but some asslicker had to walk up the trail as I snapped the photo.
Later on, I met one of my heroes. He only smoked blunts. I figured this out after opening a kitchen drawer and finding countless empty Swisher boxes.
Ahh, California.
As for the Hollywood “Star Walk,” it was pretty much what I expected. A lot of freaks, weirdos, and tourists - but still amazing to see for the first time. I really can’t help but feel that I love LA now, and it is one of the most exciting places I’ve ever been to. At some point, my desire to move there is going to make me quit my job and pack my bags. If I’m ever going to lose my mind, I might as well lose it in Los Angeles.
My only regret was that I didn’t take mushrooms before walking down Hollywood Blvd.
Hey everyone, sorry for leaving you hanging without a story yesterday, but the news gets worse. I have decided to take an impromptu vacation for the next four days. I’ll be back on Tuesday, but there will most likely not be any updates until then - unless something incredible happens to me and I just have to write about it.
I sure hope my plane doesn’t crash and burn. After all, I haven’t been the nicest person lately. I spend hours a day poking fun at others’ misfortunes. Maybe today will be the day that karma gets the best of me. If the plane does crash, I hope I can at least get a blowie from one of the flight attendants before we all die. Oh, I’d also like to slap an old lady in the tits, just once.
For those of you who are truly angry at me for leaving you hanging without your daily offbeat news, here’s a quick story:
Brad Scuillo from Pennsylvania recently won an eating contest. He ate a twenty-pound burger in under 5 hours and won $400.
No word on how Brad is after shitting that thing out. I’m sure his hospital bills were much more than $400 dollars. Was this even worth it? You bet. Brad will have an awesome x-ray showing the ten-pounds of the burger that didn’t get properly digested and is now impacted in his colon.
Fire prevention education should be as important in schools as sexual eduction. In a typical sexual education class, students are taught about condoms, pregnancy, STDs, and anatomy. But, what are they taught about fire prevention? Some retard in a bear costume tells 4-year-olds not to play with matches.
Instead of Smokey the bear, David Stanifer should travel around and tell children about his recent brush with a fiery death.
David, obviously a nerd. Look at that fancy computer. Let’s play some Warcraft, dude! LOL
Early Monday morning, David and two of his friends were drinking in his garage and playing with his pet rat. David decided to let the rat run around freely, but didn’t want it getting lost, so he tied some twine to the rodent. Instead of using scissors to cut the twine, he tried burning through it with a lighter. You can guess what happened next.
“Ahhhhhhhh!”
Animals don’t like when you set them on fire. The rat looked back at David setting the twine ablaze and thought, “Ummm, fuck this!” It ran around the garage, with the flaming leash, and started small fires wherever it went. David and his friends weren’t able to put out the flames, so they spread to the house and caused over $30,000 in damage before being extinguised. The best part: It was his parent’s house. His dad was in Africa teaching starving children about Jesus, and his mom was working.
To me, this is a sign from above. Don’t blame David for his stupid actions. God is just punishing his father for trying to force his religious beliefs on an impoverished African country that could give a fuck less about Jesus.
Oh, you should also add David Stanifer as a friend on Facebook. Just click here. Yes, he lives in Florida.
**This next article contains a link to an image that should definitely not be viewed at work or in front of children.**
Some people hate their name so much that they actually go thru the hassle of legally changing it. Are you pissed off because your parents named you Marvin, so you want to legally change it to something badass like Thor Vagsmasher? Too bad. Fuckin’ deal with it.
You could have been named Cumstain McHerpes.
He’ll never be president with a name like that.
Until today, I had never heard of a person changing their name to support a cause. You know, like if I changed my name to Dustin Legalizemarijuana, or Dustin Prochoice.
Well, a 19-year-old girl from North Carolina was so offended by animals being dissected in school (for science!), she legally changed her name to CutoutDissection.com. I’m not kidding.
Aside from being the new name of a retarded 19-year-old, CutoutDissection.com is PETA’s website aimed at eliminating animal dissections from Science class curriculum. Like most things that PETA does, the CutoutDissection initiative will lose support and fail. I wish I could see the look on that girl’s face when she goes to the website one day and it’s no longer available. She will probably make the same face that I made when I saw this photo of Chris Crocker.
You’re welcome for that.
I’d like to start a website that campaigns for better animals to dissect in school. When I was in high school, we only got to dissect a grasshoppers, frogs, and owl puke-turd things. That’s boring. I found a mouse skull in the owl puke-turd thing, which was the highlight of my whole fucking semester. Why can’t we dissect something sweet a baby panda, or better yet… a human.
On the up-side, if I had more of those owl turds to dissect, I could have made myself a little caveman necklace!
A great injustice has been done in America. Around midnight last night, 27-year-old Shawn Pannullo got the munchies. McDonald’s sounded delicious to him because you just can’t beat a $1 double cheeseburger. He lives in Florida, so you can probably guess that things don’t end well for Shawn. Here he is later that night, showing off his new haircut. Haha, just kidding. He’s in jail ;/
“All my friends told me not to go to Carnival Cuts, but they actually did a great job!”
When Shawn got to McDonald’s, prior to his arrest that night, he tried to pay for his order with weed. Now, if I was the one taking his order, that would have been amazing to me. I’d even toss in a couple apple pies for him - right after dropping a few pubes into his milkshake… but I do that to everyone’s food.
Well, the McDonald’s employee took great offense to the bribe, so they called the police and gave a description of Shawn’s car. He was found shortly after and arrested for possession of marijuana. I hope whoever ratted Shawn out is reading this right now because you are a piece of shit asshole snitching cunt. I hope your mother’s asshole gets infested with gerbils and Richard Gere stabs her and eats her brain in a jealous attempt to gain her power.
I’m not a complete idiot, so I obviously know that it’s a stupid idea to pay for fast food with weed. I just can’t blame Shawn for his actions after finding his baby picture:
You know, I think we should put a large fence between Florida and the rest of the United States. There would be a single giant steel door that would only open or close for out-of-state tourists that were visiting. Orlando, Miami, and other nice destinations would be exterminated of Floridians and then rebuilt for the tourists. We can keep the alligators. Disney employees are decent enough people too, so they could be kept as slaves for the tourists.
Quite often, my weirdness is the topic of a lot of personal questions from Sidecarsally readers. People are always like, “Why are you so weird Dustin? You must’ve had a fucked up childhood.”
Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. If anything fucked up happened to me growing up, it was usually a direct consequence of my weirdness. I have been a disgusting, perverted, sarcastic, cynical douchebag my entire life.
The way parents raise their kids can also help guide them to a positive, productive life. Unlike me, who is good at playing Guitar Hero, farting, and swearing a lot. Still though, my folks were always great to me and can’t be blamed for any of my problems.
One person who can be called a shitty parent is Carol Jones from Wiltshire, England. She stands accused of buying her 13-year-old daughter and her two friends vodka, wine, and “alcopops,” so they could participate in a 7-mile charity hike drunk as fuck. You know what my favorite thing about England is? It’s shaped like Flounder from The Little Mermaid.
It’s Flounder!
Don’t see it? Here, I’ll remove a few of the counties:
It’s Flounder!
Back to the story: Like 99% of girls I know, the three teenagers couldn’t handle their alcohol, and got destroyed. They were seen passed out at a checkpoint along the hike, and an ambulance was called. Carol was fined £80 ($32,737,091 US dollars) on the spot, but once the public heard how easily she walked away from her punishment, social services are looking to take away her daughter.
According to the article, “One of the teenagers was treated by paramedics after drinking so much she became violently ill and lost consciousness.”
Violently ill is a nice way of saying that she drank a lot of wine, and then barfed all over the fuckin’ place for several hours. Ugh, those are the worst kind of drunk bitches. I pissed on a girls head one time at a party because she was passed out, barfing all over the floor next to the toilet. And you know what? I did it on purpose.
If I hear anymore updates with Carol’s situation, I’ll post an update. Until then, Carol isn’t the worst mother on Sidecarsally, but she’s definitely one of the ugliest.
Back in March I wrote about a Kansas woman who didn’t leave the toilet for two years. Her ass skin had grown around the toilet, and she later suffered from depression when the doctors removed her best friend - the toilet seat - from her ass. This woman may have some serious problems, but it’s not outside of my morals to say, “Hahaha, you stupid bitch. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
I never updated you all on the toilet girl’s boyfriend, Kory McFarren. He was scrutinized for allowing toilet girl to sit in the bathroom for so long without notifying the police or medics. He claimed that after awhile, it became a normal thing for him to bring her food and try to coax her out. When she declined, he’d leave her alone and try again the next day.
Ultimately, he plead no contest to misdemeanor mistreatment of a dependent adult and received six months of probation. Woopty-fuckin’-doo. I’m still sympathizing with Kory because I envy him. Do you know how many times I’ve wished a girlfriend of mine would go to take a shit and never return? At least eight times. Kory, you’re my hero.
“I just don’t give a fuck.” - Kory McFarren
It seems that things have started to turn around for Kory. On Monday, he cashed in a winning scratch-off lottery ticket for $20,000. That’s pretty fortunate, huh? Well, this is actually Kory’s second $20,000 winning ticket this year.
With that kind of money, I’m sure that Kory is living in a nice home, or drives a really nice, newly-leased vehicle.
Nope, lol.
I hope all you Jesus-lovers out there stop labeling Kory as a bad person now. Obviously God loves him very much. He awarded him $20,000 for each year that he let his girlfriend sit on the toilet.
Edit: For the record, that really is Kory McFarren’s house.
