Hey everyone, sorry for leaving you hanging without a story yesterday, but the news gets worse. I have decided to take an impromptu vacation for the next four days. I’ll be back on Tuesday, but there will most likely not be any updates until then - unless something incredible happens to me and I just have to write about it.

I sure hope my plane doesn’t crash and burn. After all, I haven’t been the nicest person lately. I spend hours a day poking fun at others’ misfortunes. Maybe today will be the day that karma gets the best of me. If the plane does crash, I hope I can at least get a blowie from one of the flight attendants before we all die. Oh, I’d also like to slap an old lady in the tits, just once.

For those of you who are truly angry at me for leaving you hanging without your daily offbeat news, here’s a quick story:

Brad Scuillo from Pennsylvania recently won an eating contest. He ate a twenty-pound burger in under 5 hours and won $400.

No word on how Brad is after shitting that thing out. I’m sure his hospital bills were much more than $400 dollars. Was this even worth it? You bet. Brad will have an awesome x-ray showing the ten-pounds of the burger that didn’t get properly digested and is now impacted in his colon.